m 


\  f  i  **/ 
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LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIFORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 
Donated  in  memory  of 

John  W.    Snvder 

by 

His  Son  and  Daughter 


JOHN   W 


TOM  M9NEAI/S 
FABLES 


BY  T.  A.  McNEAL 
Editor  of  THE  MAIL  AND  BKEEZE 


ILLUSTRATED     BY    ALBERT     T.    REID 


CRANE  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS 

TOPEKA,  KANSAS 

1900 


Copyrighted  by 

CRANE  &  COMPANY,  Topeka,  Kansas 
1900 


REFACE 


WHEN  a  new  book  is  sprung  on  the  public  it  is 
customary  for  the  author  to  write  a  preface,  or 
introduction,  which  is  supposed  to  serve  as  an 
excuse  for  the  publication.  Sometimes  the  au- 
thor gets  a  gifted  and  indulgent  friend  to  write 
the  preface  for  him. 

This  is  the  reason  why  the  preface  to  a  book  is 
often  the  best  part  of  the  publication. 

I  have  concluded  to  vary  the  usual  program  just 
a  little.  I  offer  this  book  without  any  excuse  for 
its  being.  If  the  public  doesn't  like  the  book,  the 
public  doesn't  have  to  buy  it.  I  will  say,  how- 
ever, for  the  benefit  of  the  publisher,  who  is  taking 
most  of  the  risk,  that  I  hope  the  public  will  not 
refuse  to  buy.  Such  a  conclusion  on  the  part  of 
the  public  would  be  simply  mortifying  to  the  au- 
thor, but  it  would  be  tough  on  the  publisher. 

Books  of  fables  are  not  uncommon,  therefore 
this  book  is  not  without  precedent. 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

The  most  popular  of  fable-writers  among  the 
ancients  was  ^Esop.  Although  ^Esop  lived  and 
wrote  more  than  twenty-five  hundred  years  ago, 
more  people  know  about  him  now  than  do  about 
several  writers  whose  works  were  published  as  late 
as  last  January.  ^Esop  had  not  much  of  a  show 
for  immortality  when  he  started  in  the  fable  busi- 
ness. Circumstances  were  decidedly  against  him. 
He  was  a  Greek  slave.  At  times  his  master  made 
it  very  sultry  for  ^Esop,  and  ^Esop  had  to  take  it. 
He  did  not  have  the  privilege  of  a  proud  American 
citizen  when  insulted,  of  putting  frescoes  on  tho 
countenance  of  the  man  who  insulted  him.  He 
simply  had  to  take  it  out  in  thinking  about  the 
way  he  would  like  to  punch  the  face  of  his  insulter. 
In  addition  to  being  a  slave,  ^Esop  had  no  graces 
of  face  or  figure  to  help  him  out.  He  was  de- 
formed, and  had  a  face  that  would  stop  an  eight- 
day  clock.  But  ^Esop  had  brains.  That  was 
where  he  had  considerably  the  advantage  of 
many  modern  authors. 

In  writing  either  books  or  articles  for  maga- 
zines, brains  are  quite  a  help  to  the  author,  though 
one  could  not  discover,  from  reading  a  great  many 


PREFACE 


books  and  articles  that  are  published,  that  any- 
thing of  that  sort  was  considered  requisite. 

How  zEsop  learned  to  read  and  write,  history 
does  not  definitely  state;  in  fact,  there  is  almost 
as  much  mystery  clinging  about  the  early  history 
of  ^Esop  as  there  is  about  the  real  identity  of  the 
"man  with  the  iron  mask,"  or  the  person  who 
forcibly  and  surreptitiously  swatted  William  Pat- 
terson. 

^Esop  was  an  observing  person,  but  discreet 
withal.  In  modern  phrase,  he  kept  his  eyes  open 
and  sawed  wood.  It  would  have  been  unwise  for 
him  to  express  his  opinion  of  public  men  in  plain 
language,  but  the  thought  occurred  to  him  that 
he  could  give  his  opinion  in  the  shape  of  fables 
and  get  in  some  good  undercuts  that  way.  He 
noticed,  for  instance,  a  prominent  man  who  was 
continually  boasting  of  what  he  was  going  to  do, 
while  as  a  matter  of  fact  his  real  achievements 
never  amounted  to  anything  worth  speaking  of, 
and  it  suggested  to  him  the  fable  of  the  mountain 
in  labor  that  finally  brought  forth  a  mouse.  Ho 
noticed  another  man  who  was  short  on  brains  but 
long  on  conceit,  who  strutted  with  a  lordly  air 


TOM  McXEAL'S    FABLES 


and  attempted  to  impress  beholders  with  his  dig- 
nity; this  suggested  to  -Esop  the  fable  of  the  ass 
in  the  lion's  skin. 

When  ^Esop's  fables  began  to  get  circulated 
around,  they  made  quite  a  hit  in  Greece.  The 
Greeks  were  a  quick-witted  people.  They  caught 
on  with  remarkable  alacrity,  and  saw  what  -Esop 
was  driving  at.  In  a  little  while  he  became  a  regu- 
lar contributor  to  the  Athenian  Bungstarter,  the 
leading  weekly  of  that  day.  In  addition  to  his 
fables,  which  became  a  regular 
feature,  he  originated  several 
jokes,  which,  though  decrepit 
and  toothless  from  age,  are 
still  doing  duty  in  the  cam- 
paign speeches  of  the  present 
generation. 

^Esop  finally  managed  to 
save  a  little  on  the  side,  and 
offered  to  purchase  his  freedom. 
He  got  himself  at  a  bargain ; 
his  master  afterward  declaring 
that  the  reason  he  let  JEsop  go 
so  cheap  was  on  account  of  the 


"He  became  a  regular  contributor 
to  the  Athenian  Bungstarter." 


PREFACE 


fact  that  since  he  began  to  write  for  the  news- 
papers he  wasn't  worth  a  continental  anyway,  and 
all  he  could  sell  him  for  was  clear  gain. 

After  he  became  a  freeman,  ^Esop  got  to  the 
front,  with  astounding  rapidity.  He  stood  in  with 
the  upper  crust  of  Athens,  and  became  the  trusted 
financial  agent  of  Croesus,  who  was  the  Rocke- 
feller of  that  time.  Croesns  was  something  of 
a  politician  as  well  as  business  man,  and  liked  to 
mix  in  affairs  of  state.  Wishing  to  carry  an  elec- 
tion, Ciwsus  sent  -Esop  over  to  Delphos  with 
a  large  campaign  fund,  and  told  him  to  place  it 
among  the  boys  where  it  would  do  the  most  good. 
On  arriving  at  Delphos,  ^Esop  found  that  the 
politicians  were  divided  on  the  question  of-  who 
should  handle  the  funds.  Each  one  wanted  more 
of  it  than  anybody  else.  -Esop  finally  got  warm 
under  the  collar,  and  told  the  Delphos  crowd  thai 
they  could  not  have  a  dollar  of  the  money  he  was 
carrying  about  on  his  person.  When  the  Delphos 
fellows  found  that,  they  were  likely  to  lose  all 
chances  for  boodle,  they  forgot  for  a  time  their 
differences  and  made  a  rush  for  JEsop,  as  the  story 
goes.  To  use  a  modern  phrase,  they  did  not  do 


a  thing  to  him.  They 
mopped  the  ground 
with  his  person,  and, 
taking  him  out,  threw 
him  over  the  bluff. 
This  was  the  last  ever 
heard  from  xEsop. 
Whether  he  was  killed 
by  the  fall,  or  whether 
he  struck  out,  carrying 
the  campaign  fund  with 
him,  will  never  be  defi- 
nitely known ;  whatever 
may  have' been  the  real  facts  in  the  case,  his  admir- 
ers have  for  many  years  mourned  him  as  one  dead. 
It  may  be  said  without  fear  of  successful  con- 
tradiction, that  xEsop's  book  has  been  an  unquali- 
fied success.  It  has  probably  been  more  widely 
read  than  any  other  work  ever  published,  with 
the  possible  exception  of  the  Bible.  Shakespeare's 
plays  have  been  read  with  increasing  delight  by 
a  certain  class,  but  ^Esop's  fables  have  been  read 
by  all  classes  for  many  generations.  If  the  writer 
of  this  book  of  fables  could  make  himself  believe 


"They  did  not  do  a  thing  to  him.' 


PREFACE 

that  they  would  ever  be  read  by  one-hundredth 
part  as  many  people  as  have  read  the  fables  writ- 
ten by  the  ancient  Greek  slave,  he  would  at  this 
time  be,  metaphorically  speaking,  walking  on  the 
clouds. 

A  word  of  praise  can  be  given  the  illustrations 
in  this  book  without  subjecting  the  author  to  the 
charge  of  unseemly  egotism.  They  are  made  by 
Albert  T.  Reid,  at  this  time  the  best-known  car- 
toonist in  Kansas,  and  who  has  won  a  place  with 
such  publications  as  Judge,  McClure's  Magazine, 
and  other  leading  publications  in  the  East.  The 
illustrations  are  good,  whether  the  fables  they  il- 
lustrate are  worth  perusal  or  not. 

In  closing  this  preface,  I  wish  to  have  it  dis- 
tinctly understood  that  no  diagrams  or  explana- 
tory chart  will  be  furnished  with  the  book.  The 
reader  buys  it  at  his  own  risk.  If  the  point  to 
any  fable  is  not  clear  to  him,  let  him  call  in 
an  obliging  neighbor.  Possibly,  after  the  two  of 
you  have  carefully  pondered  over  the  matter,  you 
may  make  something  out  of  it;  if  not,  let  it  go, 


TOM   McXEAL'S    FABLES 


or  call  on  the  publisher.  He  has  agreed  to  do 
his  best  in  making  the  application  of  these  fables 
clear  to  the  earnest  and  thoughtful  reader. 

T.  A.  McIsTEAL. 


P7 


"T)ie  Publisher  will  explain." 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE. 

The  Wasp  in  Church, 21 

The  Snake  and  the  Bird. 22 

Reward   Counts   for   More   than   Punishment 23 

The  Rabbits  and  the  Hound, 24 

The  Chimpanzees   and   the  Hyena, 25 

A  Fable  Showing  that  Circumstances  Alter  Oases,   .    .  26 

The   Cat  and  the  Singer, '......  27 

The  Woman  and  Her  Vociferous  Hen, 28 

The  Indolent  Colt, 28 

Prometheus  and  the  Dog, '  .  29 

A   Kansas    Cow, 30 

The    Indolent    Woodpecker, 31 

The   Ant   and   the   Robin, 32 

The  Cats  and  the  Bald  Man, 33 

The  Monkey  and  the  Parrot, 34 

The  Meddlesome  Cur, 34 

The  Foolish   Squirrel   and  the  Kansas   Corn 36 

The   Ambitious   Tick, 38 

The  Boy  and  the  Slipper, 39 

The   Small   Dog   and   the   Mastiff, 40 

The  Doctored  Egg, 41 

The  Love-sick  Couple  and  the  Maple  Worm,    .  ~    .    .  43 

Honesty    is   the    Best    Policy,    . 44 

The  Texas  Bull  and  the  Howler, 44 

The  Snake  and  the  Christian  Scientist 45 

The   Two   Cows,    . 46 


11 


TOM   McNEAI/S  FABLES 

The    Jay-Bird    and    the    Hen. 47 

Hercules    and    Atlas, 48 

The  Dogs  and  the  Porcupine, 51 

The  Canary-Bird  that  Wanted  to  be  Free, 52 

The  Painter  who  Lacked  Brains 53 

The   Goat  and   the   Butter, 54 

Actions   Speak   Louder   than   Words 55 

The  Dog  and  the  Tin  Can, 56 

The   Deacon   and    the    Cow, 56 

Fable  Showing  that  Age  is  not  always  a  Protection,  .  59 

The   Shrewd   Farmer, 60 

The   Envious    Chickens, 62 

The  Rag-Man  and  the  Discouraged  Farmer 63 

The  Rats   and  the   Fat  Thomas-Cat 63 

The   Eagle   and   the   Bluebird,    .    .' 64 

The  Inconsiderate  Pup, 65 

The  Tiger  and  the  Cat, 66 

The    Politician    and    the    Leech 67 

The  Wise  Fly, 68 

The   Boy    who    Learned    a   Lesson. 69 

The    Coyote    and    the    Crane, 70 

The  Cat  and  the  Politician, 71 

Fable    Showing   that    Xerve    Beats    Size, 72 

The  Fly  and  the  Paint, 73 

The  Foolish  Mule  and  His  Bald-Headed  Master,  ...  74 

The   Mistake   of   Midas, 75 

The  Dog  and  the  Jack-Rabbit 78 

The   Pretentious   Horse, 79 

The  Church  Oyster, 80 


12 


CONTENTS 

The   Bugs   and   the   English   Sparrows 81 

The    Imitative    Goat, 82 

The  Kissing-Bug  and  the  Wax  Figure, 82 

Jupiter  and   the   Wasp, 83 

The   Watchdog  and   the   Hound, 84 

The   Mud- Dauber   and    the    Pantaloons, So 

The  Tough   Spring  Chicken 8(5 

The  Philanthropist  and  the  Buzzard, 88 

The   German    Carp,    .'  -. 89 

The  Carriage-Horse  and  the  Mule,    .........  90 

The  Man  with   the  Chromatic  Xose, .  92 

The  Eagle  and  the  Quarreling  Dogs, !)2 

The    Disadvantages    of    Politics, 93 

The  Woodpecker  and  the  Wise  Old  Bird, 94 

The  Newspaper  Liar  who  was  Saved, 96 

The  Wise  Tossum, 97 

The  Skunk  and  the  House-Cat, 98 

The  Foolish  Terrapin, 99 

The   Plodding   Swine, 100 

The  Dog  and   the   Bumblebee, 101 

The    Horse    and    the    Donkey, 101 

*The    Wise    Elephant, 102 

The  Unfortunate  Steer, 104 

The  Man  and   the  Full  Ripe  Boil, 105 

The  Dog  and  the  Cold   Trail, 100 

The  Sportive  Ram,    .    .^ 107 

The  Scientific  Cook, 108 

Money   Mak'es   the   Difference, 109 

The    Observing    Colt, 110 


13 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

The    Drowsy    Boy.    . 112 

The  Quarryman  and  the  SnaJkes, 113 

Fable  Showing  the  Value  of  Experience,    ......  114 

The  Rhinoceros  and  the  Mosquitoes, 114 

The   Boy  and   the  Gun, 110 

There   are   Drawbacks   to  all   Conditions. 117 

The   Lusher   and   the   Giraffe, 118 

The  Hypochondriac   and  the   Boy, 118 

The   School-Boy   and   the   Muscular    Instructor,    .    .    .  120 

The  Coyote  and  the  Watchdog 122 

The   Preacher   and   th'e   Dynamite, „  124 

The  Dog   and   the  Hot  Taffy, 125 

The  Youth  and  the  Hornet's  Nest, 126 

The  Timid   Cow, 128 

The    Tramp    who    Understood    His    Business,    ....  129 

The    Snorer, .130 

The  Boy  who  Loved,  a  Joke  not  Wisely  but  Too  Well,  .  131 

The  Boy  with  a  Disabled  Jaw, 133 

The  Old  Horse  who  Got  Gay, 133 

The  Observing  Fox, 134 

The  Man  who  Thought  He  was  Sick,  when  He  was  only 

Lazy, 135 

The  Alligator  and  the  Toads, 137 

The  Hound  and  the  Bulldog, 139 

The  Jealous  Peacock, 140 

The  Singing  Mosquito, 141 

The  Discontented  Fly, , 141 

The  Dog  and  the  Bologna, 143 

The  Woman  and  the  Overworked  Hen,   .......  144 


.14 


CONTENTS 

The  Quarreling  Fowls  and  the  Lucky  Worm,   ....  145 

The  Female  Lion-Tamer  and  the  King  of  Beasts,  .    .    .  146 

The  Reformer  and  the  Bug,    . 148 

The  Dog  and  the  Fleas, 149 

The    Conceited    Frog, 149 

The   Careless   Coyote, 150 

The  Boasting  Hen, ,  V  .    .    .  \    .  151 

The  Fice  and  the  Moon,   .    . ;......  151 

The  Mule  Colt,   .    . 152 

The  Squirrel  and  His  Designing  Visitors, 153 

The   Muzzled   Calf,    .    .   , .    .    .    .  154 

The  Bird  and  the  Trap,   ....    .    .    r  .    . 154 

The  Persistent  Goose,    .    .    .    ,    .-.. ; 155 

The    Farmer    and    the    Crows,    .    .    . 156 

The  Mocking-Bird  and  the  Barn-Swallow, 158 

The  Hen  and  the  Hungry  Crow, 159 

The  Discontented  Youth  and  the  Ant, 160 

The  Bee  that  Lacked  Judgment, 161 

The  Conservative  Ground-Hog, 162 

The  Rats  and  the  Sleeping  Cat, 162 

The   Duck   and  the  Rooster, 163 

The   Indolent    Dog,    .    .  • . 164 

The  Crow  and  the  Coyote, .  161 

The  Ambitious   Frog, 165 

The  Snake  and  the  Prairie-Dogs, 166 

The  Saloonist  and  the  Bum, 167 

The  Belligerent  Goat  and  the  Mirror, 163 

The  Flies  and  the  Bald-Headed  Clerk, ^ .    .  169 

The  Lean  Horse  and  His  Master, 170 


15 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

The  Blooded  Pig  and  the  Wallow. 170 

The  Disappointed  Fly, 171 

Law  and  Mortal  Suasion, 172 

The  Injudicious  Pup 172 

The  Ambitious  Land-Terrapin, 173 

The  Unfortunate  Fly, 174 

The  Rooster  and  the  Cyclone, 175 

The  Barking  Pup, 17G 

The  Lightning-Bug  who  Thought   He   was   the   Whole 

Thing, 177 

The  Dog  who  Chased  Passing  Trains, 178 

The  Singed  Bug, 179 

The   Conceited   Donkey, 179 

The  Cricket  and  the  Opera  Singer, 180 

The  Jack-Rabbit  who  had  Profited  by  Example,  ....  181 

The  Foolish  Country  Rat, 182 

The   Mule   who   Wouldn't   be   Imposed    Upon,    ....  183 

The  Chinch-Bug  and  the  Farmer, 184 

The  Hen  and  the  Chicken-Hawk, 184 

The   Wise   Kansas   Sheep, 18G 

The  Sheep-Man  and  the  Dogs, 186 

The  Kansas   Game   Rooster, 187 

Jupiter  and  the  Bees, 188 

The  Dog  and   the  Churn 190 

It  Depends  on  the  Raising, 191 

The  Proud  Butterfly, 192 

The  Boasting  Bully, 193 

The  Boy  with  the  Stubbed  Toe, 193 

Discretion  is  Necessary  to  Success, 194 


16 


CONTEXTS 

The  Dancing  Bear,    ....    «    ." 195 

The  Horse  with  the  inconsiderate  Master,    .....  196 

The  Farmer  and  His  Son, 197 

The  Aged  Horse  and  the  Old  Sport, 198 

The  Scarecrow  and  the  Birds, 199 

The  Theory  that  Didn't  Work, 200 

The   Cattle   and   the   Shade, 201 

The  Hen  that  Lost  Her  Son, 202 

The  Banqueter  and  the  Dog 203 

The   Orator   and   the    Farmer, 204. 

The  Chimpanzee  and  the  Elephant 205 

The  Boy  who  Wouldn't  Lie, 207 

The  Man  who  Bet  the  Wrong  Way,    .    .    .".    .    .    .    .  209 

The  Wooden  Limb  and  the  Surprised  Dog. 209 

The   Man   who  was   Never   Satisfied, 210 

The  Rich  Man's  Son  and  the  Alley  Urchin 211 

The  Camel  and  the  Judge,  . 212 

The  Fat  and  the  Lean  Swine, 213 

The  Fakir  Toad,    ......... 214 

The  Crocodile  and   the  Hippopotamus 215 

The   Donkey    and    the    Mugwump, 2l(i 

The   Lady's   Hat 217 

The  Rat   and   the  Trap, .   -.    .    .    .  2  IS 

The    Rooster   and   the   Chickens 218 

The    Deacon    and    the    Calf, 219 

The  Awkward  Youth  who  Spoiled  His  Chances,   .    .    .  220 

The  City  Dog  and  His  Country  Cousin. 221 

The  Two  Boys  who  Tried  Different  Plans,    ..- 223 

The  Woman  who  Broke  Her  Husband  of  a  Bad  Habit,  .  227 


17 


TOM   McNEAL'S 
FABLES 


TOM    McNEAI/S    FABLES 


flfllasp  in  Cfjutcl). 

A  WASP  which-  had  built  her  nest  among  the 
rafters  of  a  Kansas  church,  observed  "that  while 
the  preacher  was  expounding  the  Gospel  two  of 
the  deacons  and  about  half  the  congregation  were 
peacefully  slumbering.  Just  by  way  of  experi- 
ment, the  wasp  flew  down  and  socked  her  sticker 
into  the  bald  dome  of  thought  of  a  sleeping  dea- 
con, who  awoke  with  a  wild  snort,  like  unto  the 
snort  of  a  startled  colt;  and  in  less  than  a  min- 
ute there  wasn't  a  man,  woman  or  child  in  that 
congregation  who  wasn't  wide  awake.  Then  the 
wasp  remarked,  as  she  returned  to  the  bosom  of 
her  family:  "If  that  preacher  would  either  take 
me  into  partnership,  or  else  put  more  point  into 
his  remarks,  this  church  might  not  look  so  much 
like  a  lodging-house." 

MORAL. — If  you  want  to  interest  your  hearers, 
have  some  point  to  your  remarks. 


fenafte  and 


A  SNAKE  that 
had  a  hankering  for 
young.  birds  and  also 
for  birds'  eggs,  no- 
ticed a  bluebird 
building  her  nest  in 
the  fork  of  a  tree, 
and  said:  "Why  do 
you  build  your  nest 
up  there,  where  the 
wind  will  get  action 
on  it  ?  Don't  you 
know  that  this  tree  is 
liable  to  be  blown 
down  by  a  cyclone  or 
struck  by  lightning  ? 
Build  your  nest  down 
here  on  the  ground, 
where  you  will  be 
safe."  But  the  blue- 
bird, who  had  lived 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

in  Kansas  and  was  onto  a  few  things  herself, 
simply  said:  "If  I  hadn't  seen  yon  lunching  at 
a  meadow-lark's  nest  yesterday,  I  might  wonder 
why  yon  take  so  much  interest  in  my  affairs." 

MOEAL. — The  individual  who  makes  an  osten- 
tatious display  of  interest  in  your  affairs  will  gen- 
erally bear  watching. 


Counts  tor  9pore  t&an 

A  MAN  secured  a  horse  for  a  drive  out  into  the 
country,  and  observed  on  the  way  out  that  it  wa& 
nearly  impossible  to  urge  the  beast  out  of  a  walk. 
When,  however,  he  turned  the  horse  in  the  direc- 
tion of  the  stable  where  it  was  fed,  he  noticed  that 
the  animal  pricked  up  its  ears  and  lit  out  down  the 
pike  at  a  four-minute  gait  or  better,  and  kept  it 
up  until  it  reached  the  stable  door.  "I  observe," 
said  the  man  reflectively,  "that  even  in  the  case  of 
a  horse,  the  hope  of  reward  is  sometimes  more  of 
an  incentive  to  action  than  the  fear  of  punish- 
ment." 


23 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

l&abluta  and  t&e 

A  FAMILY  of  Kansas  jack-rabbits  had  been  ac- 
customed to  having  considerable  amusement  at 
the  expense  of  a  fat,  short-tailed  dog-,  who  was 
in  the  habit  of  coming  out  every  day  and  chasing 
the  rabbits  until  his  wind  would  give  out.  The 

.jack-rabbits  did  all  they  could  to  encourage  the 
fat  dog  by  loitering  along,  sometimes  allowing 
him  to  get  within  a;  rod  or  two  of  them,  and  then, 
suddenly  straightening  themselves  out,  they  would 
scatter  space  behind  them  in  a  way  that  would 
make  the  fat  dog's  head  swim.  In  this  way  the 
younger  of  the  jack-rabbits,  who  had  never  seen 

"any  dogs  except  the  fat,  short-tailed  cur,  acquired 
the  impression  that  he  could  outrun  any  dog  on 
earth.  One  day,  seeing  a  lean  and  hungry-look- 
ing greyhound  in  the  distance,  the  young  jack- 
rabbit  said  to  his  parent:  "Yonder  seems  to  be 
another  dog;  let  us  go  out  and  have  some  amuse- 
ment with  him."  But  the  elder  rabbit,  who  had 
had  some  worldly  experience,  took  one  look  at 
the  hound,  and  then  said :  "My  son,  if  my  eyes 
serve  me  aright,  I  am  not  hankering  for  any  fun 


24 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

with  that  kind  of  dog.  If  he  ever  catches  sight 
of  you,  you  will  notice  that  he  has  an  entirely 
different  sort  of  movement  from  that  of  our  fat, 
stub-tailed  friend  who  sleeps  under  the  porch 
yonder." 

MORAL. — It  is  well  to  size  up  an  individual 
carefully  before  you  undertake  to  have  fun  at  his 
expense. 


C!)tmpaiw0  and  tfie 

A  PAIR  of  chimpanzees  who  had  just  been 
brought  into  a  menagerie  were  looking  about,  try- 
ing to  make  up  their  minds  what  animals  it  would 
bo  safe  to  tie  up  with.  Finally  their  attention  was 
called  to  a  hyena,  which  looked  at  them,  and,  grin- 
ning a  mirthless  grin,  spoke  up  and  said  that  he 
would  be  glad  to  make  their  acquaintance.  "Xot 
on  your  life,"  said  the  elder  chimpanzee,  who  was 
a  shrewd  sort  of  animal;  a  beast  that  carries 
that  sort  of  a  grin  would  rob  the  dead  if  he  got 
a  chance." 

MORAL. — Beware  of  the  individual  who  wears 
a  made-to-order  smile. 


25 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


t&at  Circumstance 


Si  Jafele 


A  DOG  who  had  in  the  course  of  his  investiga- 
tions disturbed  the  slumber  of  a  small  but  healthy 
mephitis,  came  home  and  took  his  accustomed 
place  in  the  kitchen.  And  straightway  the  hired 
girl  came  in  with  the  mop-stick  and  made  the  dog 
hike  out  of  the  culinary  de- 
partment at  a  gait  such  as  he 
had  not  struck  since  the 
time  when  some  evil-minded 
youths  had  fastened  a  tin 
bucket  to  his  narrative.  As 
the  unfortunate  dog  ran  yelp- 
ing out  of  the  yard  he  met 
a  lady  dressed  in  silks  and 
furs,  who  was  heading  for  the 
parlor.  An  odor  of  musk  sur- 
rounded her  like  a  cloud,  but 
she  was  met  with  an  affection- 
ate greeting  and  embrace  by 
the  lady  of  the  house.  Then, 
as  the  dog  licked  the  sore 


26 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

places  where  the  mop-stick  had  belted  him,  Le 
bitterly  said :  "Such  are  the  inequalities  of  life. 
That  woman  smells  a  lot  worse  than  I  do,  but 
she  is  kissed  and  hugged  and  invited  into  the 
parlor,  while  I  get  my  ribs  cracked  if  I  even 
try  to  get  into  the  kitchen." 


Cat  and  t&e  &ina;er. 

A  FEMALE  who  labored  under  the  impression 
that  she  could  sing,  was  imposing  upon  a  long- 
suffering  company  at  an  evening  party.  When 
she  had  finished  her  first,  selection  the  host  politely 
insisted  that  she  should  sing  again.  Whereupon 
a  Thomas-cat,  who  was  sitting  near  by,  making 
his  toilet,  slowly  winked  his  other  eye  and  said: 
"Xow  just  the  other  night  I  sat  out  on  the  back- 
yard fence  and  yowled  just  like  that  female,  and 
the  old  man  came  to  the  back  window  and  swore 
and  threw  things  at  me,  but  he  asks  her  to  sing 
again." 

MORAL. — Compliments  do  not  always  come 
from  the  heart. 


27 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


flflloman  and  ^er  Poriferoug 

IN  the  month  of  .Tune  a  hen  was  cackling  vocif- 
erously over  a  new-laid  egg,  when  her  mistress, 
who  was  standing  near  by,  exclaimed  in  disgust  : 
"Oh,  yes,  you  can  make  more  noise  than  a  female 
sewing-circle  now,  when  eggs  are  only  six  cents 
a  dozen,  hut  last  winter,  when  eggs  were  thirty 
cents  a  dozen,  you  never  said  a  word." 

MORAL.  —  Work  done  at  the  right  time  is  what 
knocks. 


Indolent  Colt. 

A  COLT  whose  mind  was  set  on  the  pleasures  of 
life,  heard  some  men  discussing  the  horseless  car- 
riage and  declaring  that  the  time  was  near  at  hand 
when  all  the  hauling  of  the  country  would  be  done 
with  the  automobile.  The  colt  was  greatly  pleased 
.  with  the  prospect,  and,  cantering  over  to  his 
mother,  said :  "Mother,  we  won't  need  to  work 
any  more,  will  we,  after  these  new  contraptions 
come  into  use  ?"  But  his  mother,  instead  of  re- 
joicing with  her  alecky  offspring,  looked  at  him 


28 


TOM   McNEAL'S    FABLES 

sadly  and  said:  "My  son,  when  the  time  comes 
that  we  are  not  needed  any  longer  for  work,  you 
can  bet  your  sweet  young  life  we  won't  be  allowed 
to  just  ramble  around  in  this  pasture  and  fill  our- 
selves with  grass  and  enjoy  life.  When  the  time 
comes  that  we  are  of  no  further  use  in  the  world, 
a  way  will  be  found  to  get  us  out  of  it." 

MOBAL. — The  world  has  mighty  little  use  for 
the  individual  who  is  of  no  account. 


and  t&e 

WHEX  Prometheus  was  chained  to  the  rock  and 
the  birds  were  permitted  to  feed  on  his  liver,  which 
grew  as  fast  as  it  was  devoured,  a  dog  came  by 
and  was  invited  by  the  birds  to  eat.  "Xo,  thanks/' 
said  the  dog;  "my  master  keeps  a  cheap  boarding- 
house  in  Missouri,  where  the  boarders  have  liver 
three  times  a  day  and  I  live  on  the  scraps.  If  you 
have  nothing  but  liver  on  the  bill  of  fare  you  will 
have  to  excuse  me." 

MORAL. — Variety  is  the  spice  of  life. 


29 


Coto. 


A  cow,  that 
bad  speculated 
considerably  on 
tbe  inequalities 
of  tilings  in  gen- 
eral, concluded 
tbat  she  was  the 
victim  of  unjust 
conditions,  and 
said :  "  Here  I 
am,  working 
away,  turning 
grass  into  milk 
and  cream  in 
order  that  yon- 
der gang  of  but- 
terfly dudes  and 
young  females  may  fill  themselves  with  ice  cream. 
I  am  going  to  quit  until  things  are  evened  up  more 
than  they  are  under  our  present  iniquitous  social 
system."  The  cow  therefore  ceased  to  eat  grass,  in 
order  that  she  might  not  turn  it  into  milk,  and  thus, 
as  she  figured  it,  would  she  get  even  with  the  dudes 


30 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

and  giddy  young  females  who  filled  themselves 
with  ice  cream,  but  toiled  not,  neither  did  they 
spin.  About  a  week  after  the  cow  had  started  on 
this  track,  she  found  that  she  had  grown  so  weak 
and  thin  that  she  was  obliged  to  lean  up  against 
the  barn  to  think,  and  as  she  pondered  over  the 
situation  she  said:  "I  may  be  cutting  short  the 
supply  of  cream  for  those  dudes,  but  it  occurs  to 
me  that  before  I  get  even  with  them  I  will  be 
a  dead  cow  myself." 

MORAL. — As  a  general  thing,  the  individual 
who  spends  his  time  figuring  on  how  he  can  get 
even  with  somebody  who  he  imagines  has  the  best 
of  him  in  this  world,  will  do  himself  more  harm 
than  he  can  inflict  on  the  other  fellow. 


flfiloodpecfeet. 

AN  indolent  young  woodpecker,  who  had  been 
sent  out  by  his  mother  to  gather  in  some  provender 
for  the  family  table,  was  found  sitting  on  a  limb, 
listlessly  eyeing  a  place  where  a  borer  seemed  to 
have  entered.  When  his  mother  asked  him  what 


31 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

he  was  doing,  the  young  woodpecker  answered 
that  he  was  waiting  for  that  grub- worm  to  come 
out  of  the  hole  so  that  he  could  catch  it.  Where- 
upon the  mother  woodpecker  said  impatiently : 
"My  son,  if  you  sit  around  waiting  for  grubs  to 
come  out  of  their  holes,  you  will  have  a  mighty 
lean  time  of  it  in  this  world,  I  fancy.  If  you  want 
that  worm,  you  will  have  to  get  a  move  on  yourself 
and  dig  it  out." 

MOKAL. — People  who  sit  around  waiting  for 
things  to  come  to  them  will  cut  little  figure  in 
this  world,  and  probably  little  in  the  next. 


ftnt  and  tt)r  ttobm. 

A  BUSY  ant,  who  frequently  lectured  her  off- 
spring on  the  necessity  of  being  up  betimes  in  the 
morning,  started  off  at  the  first  streak  of  dawn  in 
search  of  grub.  But  as  the  busv  ant  was  hiking 

o  «/ 

out  in  the  direction  of  some  food,  she  saw  in  the 
distance  a  robin,  who  was  also  out  on  a  grub- 
hunting  expedition.  It  flew  down  and  took  the 
busy  ant  in  and  carried  it  away  to  its  nest.  Then 


32 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

one  of  the  young  ants  who  looked  out  of  the  front 
door  of  the  ant-hill  in  time  to  see  his  mother 
carried  away  in  the  robin's  bill,  said  to  his  breth- 
ren and  sisters :  "If  mother  had  been  content  to 
lie  abed  a  spell  and  take  it  easy,  she  wouldn't 
have  been  fed  to  one  of  those  blamed  young  robins 
this  morning." 


Cat0  and  t&e  Bald 

Two  Thomas-cats  were  engaged  in  a  heated  ar- 
gument on  the  back-yard  fence,  when  the  lady  of 
the  house  came  out-  with  a  kettle  of  hot  water  and 
dashed  it  over  the  felines.  A  few  days  after,  one 
of  the  cats  \vho  had  most  of  the  hair  scalded  off 
his  back  by  the  hot  water,  noticed  the  woman  who 
had  carried  the  kettle  walking  down  the  street  with 
her  husband.  And  as  the  man  raised  his  hat  to 
wipe  his  brow  the  feline  noticed  that  he  had  no 
more  hair  on  the  top  of  his  head  than  a  paper- 
weight. "Ah,  ha,  old  man!"  mused  the  cat,  as 
it  looked  over  the  dehaired  portions  of  its  own 
person,  "you  seem  to  have  been  out  on  the  back- 
yard fence  yourself." 

-3  33 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


and  tfie 

A  TEAVELING  showman  was  the  owner  of  a  mon- 
key and  a  parrot,  who  were  somewhat  envious  of 
each  other.  One  day  the  showman  dressed  the 
monkey  up  in  a  cap  and  small  red  coat,  of  which 
it  was  quite  proud.  And  as  the  small  quadru- 
mane  was  strutting  about  in  front  of  the  parrot's 
cage  wearing  his  new  clothes,  he  said  :  "Well,  old 
green-top,  I  rather  figure  that  in  this  rig  I  will 
pass  for  a  human  being."  "Possibly  you  might," 
said  the  parrot,  in  a  sarcastic  tone  of  voice,  "if 
that  tail,  sticking  out  from  under  your  coat, 
didn't  give  you  away." 

MOEAL.  —  Clothes  do  not  make  the  man. 


Cur. 

AN  alecky  dog,  seeing  a  dispute  between  two 
other  dogs,  couldn't  resist  the  temptation  to  mix 
in  and  see  what  the  fuss  was  about.  He  had  no 
particular  trouble  in  getting  in ;  but  when  the 
fuss  was  stopped  by  a  policeman  with  a  club,  this 


34 


35 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

dog  was  short  one  ear,  and  his  person  looked  as 
if  it  had  been  run  over  by  a  disk  harrow.  When 
this  alecky  dog  came  back  to  his  kennel  and  was 
licking  the  sore  places,  an  aged  mastiff  who  was 
lying  in  the  sun  near  by  looked  him  over  carefully 
and  then  remarked :  "My  son,  I  have  noticed, 
during  several  years  of  close  observation,  that  the 
average  dog  generally  has  troubles  enough  of  his 
own,  without  hunting  for  any  on  the  side." 


jFooltsi)  fequiml  and  tjje  &an0a0  Corn. 

A  KANSAS  squirrel,  hunting  for  a  location  for 
a  winter  home,  spied  a  corn-stalk,  and  said  to  his 
mate :  "Here  is  a  beautiful  green  and  lofty  tree. 
Let  us  build  our  nest  among  the  branches  and  lay 
away  our  winter  store  and  enjoy  ourselves  until 
the  spring  comes  again  gentle  Annie."  But  the 
squirrel's  mate,  who  was  younger  and  had  better 
eyesight,  remarked:  "Tree,  your  foot!  That  is 
no  tree ;  that  is  a  cornstalk.  If  we  build  our  nest 
in  its  branches  the  farmer  who  is  running  this 
ranch  will  come  strolling  along  with  his  ax  in  the 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

course  of  a  couple  of  weeks  and  cut  the  stalk  down, 
and  we  will  be  a  busted  community,  so  to  speak." 
But  the  elder  squirrel  was  one  of  the  sort  who 
thought  he  knew  it  all,  and  didn't  propose  to  take 
any  advice.  He  said  he  thought  if  he  was  per- 
sonally acquainted _  with  himself,  that  he  knew 
a  tree  when  he  saw  it,  and  also  that  he  could  tell 
the  difference  between  a  tree  and  a  corn-stalk  when 
they  came  within  his  range  of  vision.  And  the 
aged  sqmrrel  would  not  take  the  advice  of  the 
younger  and  keener-eyed  partner,  but  went  right 
on  and  built  his  nest  among  the  upper  branches  of 
the  corn-stalk.  Two  weeks  after  that,  the  farmer 
came  into  the  field  with  his  axe  and  chopped  down 
the  stalk  of  corn  where  the  squirrel,  who  thought  he 
knew  it  all,  had  built  his  nest ;  and  when  the  stalk 
fell  the  squirrel  was  crippled  by  the  fall  so  that  he 
died.  And  as  he  was  about  to  breathe  his  last, 
he  feebly  said:  "If  I  had  been  content  to  take 
a  little  friendly  advice  and  not  try  to  locate  so 
high  up  in  the  world,  I  might  now  have  been 
living  in  comfort  on  yonder  cottonwood." 


37 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

&miutiou0  Cjcfe. 

A  STKANGER  prospecting  in  Arkansaw  for  min- 
eral wealth,  lav  down  to  rest  under  a  shelving 
rock.  And  while  he  slept  and  dreamed  of  wealth, 
a  family  of  ticks  located  on  his  person  and  began 
business.  They  found  the  stranger  sweet  and 
tender  as  compared  with  anything  they  had 
struck  in  that  country,  and  began  to  congratulate 
one  another  on  the  luck  they  were  having.  "This,''* 
said  one  of  the  ticks,  "is  far  ahead  of  the  tough 
razor-back  that  we  have  been  feeding  on  during 
i-the  winter.  We  pity  those  other  ticks  in  this 
vicinity,  who  have  nothing  but  native  meat  to 
live  on."  But  when  the  stranger  awoke  and  felt 
something  on  him,  he  proceeded  to  strip  and  exam- 
ine his  person.  And  as  he  pulled  the  last  tick 
loose  and  was  about  to  mash  it  on  a  rock,  the 
insect  said:  "If  I  had  been  content  with  a  razor- 
back  diet  instead  of  getting  gay  and  running  after 
Kansas-fed  meat,  I  might  have  been  here  next 
year." 

MORAL. — Contentment  is  better  than  high  liv- 
ing. 


38 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


anli  t&e 

A  MOTHER  who  found  it  necessary  to  take  a 
few  reefs  in  her  son's  sails  on  account  of  un- 
becoming conduct  on  the  part  of  the  youth,  laid 
him  across  her  knee  and  was  preparing  to  apply 
the  slipper  where"  it  would  do  the  most  good. 
Whereupon  the  youth,  who  was  well  up  in  Shake- 
speare for  one  of  his  age,  called  on  his  mother 

to  pause  while  he  argued 
the  case  with  her.  "You 
should  remember,  mother, 
what  Cardinal  Woolsey 
said:  "Let  all  the  ends 
thou  aimest  at  be  thy 
country's.'  You  are  not 
aiming  that  slipper  at 
your  country's  end  now." 
"You  are  wrong,  my 
son,"  said  the  mother,  as 
she  took  a  firmer  grip 
on  the  nape  of  his  neck; 
"you  are  a  part  of  this 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


great  and  glorious  country."  And  then  there 
was  a  sound  such  as  the  busy  housewife  makes 
when  she  rounds  the  fresh-churned  butter  into 
form  with  a  wooden  paddle. 


and  t&e  SI£a0tiff. 

A  SMALL  dog,  which  was  allowed  to  sleep  in 
the  house,  was  being  guyed  by  a  huge  mastiff,  who 
figured  that  he  was  about  the  most  accomplished 
watch-dog  that  ever  came  down  the  pike.  That 
night  a  gang  of  burglars  entered  the  house  where 
the  mastiff  kept  watch.  The  mastiff,  as  was  his 
custom,  made  no  noise,  but  when  the  burglars  came 
in  he  made  #  running  jump  for  the  head  burglar. 
But  the  burglars  were  fixed  for  him,  and  while 
he  was  trying  to  get  at  the  head  man  the  second 
burglar  stuck  a  long  knife  into  him  and  killed 
him  too  dead  to  skin.  As  the  dog  hadn't  said 
a  word,  the  family  were  not  aroused,  but  slept  on 
while  the  burglars  helped  themselves  undisturbed 
to  a  case  of  diamonds  and  also  to  a  couple  of 
thousand  dollars  in  cash  that  the  Kansas  man,  who 
owned  the  house,  had  not  had  time  to  deposit  in 


40 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

the  bank  before  closing-time  the  evening  before. 
The  same  night  the  gang  undertook  to  rob  the 
house  where  the  small  cur  dog  stayed;  but  the 
small  canine,  hearing  the  burglars,  commenced  to 
bark  so  loudly  that  he  roused  the  family,  and 
also  woke  a  policeman  who  happened  to  be 
slumbering  near  by.  Then  the  head  of  the  fam- 
ily, aroused  by  the  racket  made  by  the  little  dog, 
arose  and  emptied  the  contents  of  a  large  double- 
barreled  shotgun  into  the  person  of  the  chief  bur- 
glar; while  the  policeman,  whose  slumber  had 
been  disturbed  by  the  noise,  came  up  and  nabbed 
another  burglar  before  he  could  get  away. 

MORAL. — This  fable  seems  to  teach  that  some- 
times the  individual  who  gets  up  and  snorts  and 
makes  a  great  noise  may  accomplish  more  than 
the  person  who  keeps  his  mouth  shut;  but  this 
will  not  do  to  bank  on  as  a  general  proposition. 


SDoctottto 

A  DOG  had  fallen  into  the  evil  habit  of  sucking 
eggs.     The  lady  of  the  house  where  the  dog  re- 


41 


TOM    McXEAL'S   FABLES 

sided,  having  determined  to  break  him  of  the  evil 
practice,  filled  an  eggshell  with  a  mixture  of  egg 
and  cayenne  pepper  and  left  it  in  a  nest  that  had 
been  robbed  on  several  previous  occasions  by  the 
dog.  Soon  after,  the  dog  passed  that  way,  and 
seeing  the  tempting  specimen  of  hen-fruit,,  clapped 
it  into  his  month.  It  Avas  two  days  before  the 
dog  was  able  to  get  the  temperature  of  his  jaws 
down  to  normal.  A  few  days  afterward,  while 
the  incident  was  still  fresh  in  his  memory,  he  hap- 
pened to  notice  a  hen  that  had  just  laid  an  egg  in 
the  nest  which  he  had  visited  to  his  sorrow.  When 
she  had  finished  her  jubilant  cackling  and  gone 
away  to  dig  a  few  worms  and  vegetables  out  of 
a  neighbor's  garden,  the  dog  walked  over  and 
looked  for  a  moment  at  the  egg  she  had  laid,  and 
then  said  to  himself:  "That  egg  looks  like  a  good 
thing,  but  that  hen  seemed  to  be  suffering  mightily 
from  an  inward  fever  when  she  laid  the  last  egg  I 
tackled,  and  I  am  afraid  she  may  not  have  re- 
covered. I  believe  I  don't  care  for  any  eggs  to- 
day." 

MOKAL. — Experience  is  the  mother  of  caution. 


42 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


iote-gick  Couple  and  t&e  Staple  dfllorm, 

A  LOVE-SICK  couple  were  sitting  under  the 
spreading  branches  of  a  maple  tree.  "Do  you 
trust  me,  my  love  ?"  asked  the  youth,  with  the 
tender  inflection  and  tone  of  a  six-months-old  calf. 
"Do  I  trust  you?y  cooed  the  maiden,  as  she  nes- 
tled closer.  "While  you  are  near  I  think  of  noth- 
ing else  but  you."  Just  then  a  large  and  -active 
worm  that  had  taken  up  its  abode  in  the  tree,  re- 
marked to  itself :  "This  is  getting  too  sick- 
ish  for  me.  I  will  just  drop  down  on  the 
back  of  that  girl's  neck  and  show  the  young 
man  that  she  can  think  of  something  else 
while  he  is  near.  I  will  also  make  a  tempo- 
rary break  in  that  dream  of  love." 

MORAL. — As  you  grow  older  you  will 
find  that  some  unpleasant  practical  expe- 
rience will  knock  sentiment  galley  west 
and  crooked. 


43 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


10  tfie  Be0t 

A  DOG  that  had  been  taught  by  its  master  to  go 
to  the  market  with  a  basket  and  carry  home  the 
meat  and  bread  for  the  family  dinner  was  met 
one  day  by  a  mangy  cur,  who  said  :  "Why  do 
you  carry  that  meat  home  like  a  fool  and  hand  it 
over  to  the  cook,  when  you  might  as  well  stop  here 
and  eat  the  whole  business  yourself?"  But  the 
honest  dog  took  a  fresh  grip  on  the  basket  as  he 
trotted  on,  remarking  as  he  passed  :  "If  I  should 
take  your  advice  I  would  live  high  to-day,  but  to- 
morrow I  would  lose  my  situation,  and  after  that 
I  would  have  to  take  my  chances  with  onery,  half- 
starved  and  scabby  curs  like  you." 

MORAL.  —  In  the  long  run  it  pays  to  be  honest, 
just  as  a  business  proposition. 


Bull  and  t&e 

A  SMALL,  slender-hammed  Texas  bull,  which 
had  a  voice  that  could  be  heard  for  two  miles 
on  a  still  day,  was  wont  to  spend  a  good  share  of 
his  time  in  pawing  the  earth  and  bellowing.  Other 


44 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

animals  that  heard  his  bellow,  before  they  saw 
from  what  sort  of  animal  it  proceeded,  were  much 
frightened,  but  when  they  saw  the  bull  himself 
they  sniffed  at  him  with  contempt.  The  bull, 
finally  realizing  that  his  voice  was  out  of  propor- 
tion to  his  general  ability,  hearing  a  ranting  orator 
filling  the  surrounding  atmosphere  with  sound, 
looked  at  him  for  a  moment  and  then  said :  "My 
vociferous  friend,  if  you  and  I  could  be  judged  by 
our  roar  and  not  by  our  general  appearance,  we 
would  be  considered  as  two  of  the  warmest  articles 
in  this  part  of  the  country." 


and  t& 

A  KANSAS  bull-snake,  out  hunting  for  break- 
fast, spied  a  nest  in  which  there  was  a  beautiful- 
appearing  egg;  and  the  snake,  not  knowing  that 
the  egg  was  made  of  chinaware,  swallowed  it. 
Shortly  afterward,  hearing  a  Christian  scientist 
proclaiming  that  all  ailments  were  purely  imagi- 
nary, the  snake,  who  was  having  a  deal  of  trouble 
in  trying  to  digest  that  egg,  said:  "That  talk 


45 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

sounds  pretty  well,  but  if  I  could  perceive  that  my 
gastric  juices  were  getting  any  action  on  that  con- 
founded thing  that  I  took  for  an  egg  this  morn- 
ing, I  would  take  a  heap  more  stock  in  your 
remarks." 


Cotog. 

A  LARGE,  raw-boned  cow  at  a  cattle  sale  ob- 
served with  chagrin  that  a  meek  and  diminutive 
Jersey  was  being  eagerly  bid  for  by  a  number  of 
buyers,  while  nobody  offered  over  twelve  dollars 
and  fifty  cents  for  herself.  Then  in  a  complain- 
ing way  she  turned  to  a  companion  and  said: 
"I  can't  understand  why  those  people  should  be 
ready  to  pay  a  big  price  for  that  little  sawed-oif 
Jersey,  when  they  won't  pay  a  third  of  the  price 
for  a  large  Husky  cow  like  me."  But  the  steer, 
to  whom  she  directed  her  complaint,  replied,  as  he 
stowed  away  another  mouthful  of  hay :  "My  raw- 
boned  female  friend,  this  is  not  a  question  of  size, 
but  a  question  of  butter-fat." 

MORAL. — Your  value  in  this  world  will  be 
.judged  by  your  usefulness,  and  not  by  your  size. 


46 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


3ap*25itd  and  tfje 

A  SMART  jay-bird,  seeing  the  awkward  effort 
of  a  hen  to  fly  over  a  fence,  began  to  guy  her, 
saying:  "Well,  old  toppy,  if  I  couldn't  fly  any 
better  than  you  I  would  go  and  drown  myself." 
But  in  answer  to  the  taunt,  the  hen  simply  said: 

"I  am  aware,  my 
alecky  young  fel- 
low, that  I  am  no 
exhibition  flyer. 
It  is  my  work 
as  a  sitter  that 
knocks." 

MOKAL. —  After 
all,  it  isn't  the 
grand-stand  player 
that  counts  in  final 
results,  but  the 
humble  individual 
who  attends  to 
business  and 
makes  no  fuss 
about  it. 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


and 

AT  one  time,  when  Hercules  was  wearing  the 
belt  as  the  best  man  in  the  world  in  the  heavy- 
weight class,  he  grew  restless  on  account  of  the 
fact  that  he  was  unable  to  take  on  anybody  around 
home  who  had  the  ability  to  interest  him.  Hav- 
ing heard  considerable  talk  about  an  orchard  on 
one  of  the  Philippine  islands  which  grew  nothing 
but  golden  apples  that  ran  twenty-four  karats  fine, 
Hercules  announced  to  the  proprietor  of  the  hash- 
house  where  he  boarded  that  he  wanted  to  be 
marked  off  the  register  for  about  six  weeks,  as  he 
was  going  to  take  a  little  trip,  and  if  he  should 
come  back  and  find  that  he  had  been  charged  up 
with  any  board  during  his  absence  he  would  break 
the  landlord  in  two.  To  show  that  he  meant  busi- 
ness, Hercules  tied  a  large  iron  poker  in  a  double 
bow-knot  and  left  it  with  the  boarding-house 
keeper  as  an  evidence  of  good  faith.  He  then  pro- 
ceeded on  his  journey  until  he  came  to  an  ocean 
which  it  would  be  necessary  to  cross  in  order  to 
reach  the  orchard.  There  was  no  boat  handy,  and 
Hercules,  not  having  had  the  experience  of  the 


48 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

Twentieth  Kansas  in  swimming,  did  not  care  to 
try  swimming  across.  He  however  found  the 
giant  "Atlas/'  who  had  a  steady  job  holding  up 
the  sky,  and  persuaded  him  to  wade  across  to  the 
orchard  on  condition  that  he  (Hercules)  would 
hold  up  the  sky  while  Atlas  was  gone.  This  ar- 
rangement seemed  to  be  entirely  satisfactory,  but 
when  Atlas  returned  after  an  absence  of  half 
a  day,  with  a  pocketful  of  golden  apples,  he  did 
not  seem  to  be  in  any  rush  to  take  back  his  old  job. 
Hercules  tried  to  smile  and  look  pleasant,  but  as 
a  matter  of  fact  the  sky  was  growing  blamed 
heavy  on  his  shoulders,  and  he  wanted  to  get  rid 
of  it  the  worst  way.  Finally  he  suggested  to 
Atlas  that  he  was  perfectly  willing  to  hold  up  the 
sky  for  a  week,  but  that  he  had  an  engagement  at 
home  that  required  his  immediate  attention.  At- 
las, however,  replied  that  he  had  not  figured  on 
immediately  resuming  business  at  the  old  stand. 
He  had  about  concluded  to  go  away  and  look  for 
another  opening.  It  had  been  intimated  to  him 
that  he  could  make  good  money  in  the  side-show 
business,  and  have  nothing  to  do  but  sit  in  a  tent 


49 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

and  have  people  pay  two  bits  per  head  to  come  in 
and  look  at  him. 

"You  don't  mean  to  say,"  yelled  Hercules,  who 
was  a  hot-tempered  person,  "that  you  intend  to 
go  away  and  leave  this  sky  on  my  shoulders  ?" 

"Don't  get  gay,  young  feller/'  said  Atlas  in  an 
insolent  tone  of  voice.  "It  seems  to  be  on  you 
at  the  present  writing,  and  if  I  am  personally 
acquainted  with  myself?  the  temperature  will  be 
quite  low  when  I  take  up  my  old  job;  it  is  en- 
tirely too  monotonous  for  an  enterprising  giant 
like  myself.  Ta,  ta,  young  feller ;  I  may  return 
in  the  course  of  four  or  five  hundred  years  to  see 
how  you  are  getting  along." 

"Wait  a  minute,"  said  Hercules,  as  he  saw 
Atlas  getting  ready  to  pull  out.  "I  have  some- 
thing here  that  I  want  to  show  you.  There  is 
a  giant  over  in  my  country  who  has  been  knock- 
ing on  you ;  says  you  are  no  good,  and  that  he 
could  saw  a  better  giant  than  you  are  out  of  a 
bass  wood  log." 

"Who  is  he?"  asked  the  exasperated  Atlas,  as 
he  kicked  a  large  oak  tree  out  of  the  ground  to  re- 
lieve his  feelings.  "Tell  me  where  to  find  him, 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 


and  I  will  show  him  iu  less  than  a  minute  that 
he  is  a  liar." 

"I  have  his  name  and  address  on  a  card  in  my 
inside  pocket,"  said  Hercules.  "If  you  will  hold 
up  this  sky  for  a  moment  I  will  find  it  for  you." 

Then  Atlas,  who  was  not  onto  many  of  the 
curves  of  the  confidence  men.,  unsuspectingly  took 
the  sky  off  Hercules's  shoulders  in  order  that  he 
might  hunt  for  the  card.,  But  as  soon  as  Hercules 
Avas  relieved  from  the  burden  he  placed  his  thumb 
to  his  nostril,  and  taking  the  golden  apples  from 
the  pocket  of  Atlas,  he  walked  away,  saying :  "My 
overgrown  chump?  I  will  have  to  leave  you  now." 
And  then  he  took  from  his  pocket  a  card  on  which 
were  inscribed  the  words,  "This  is  my  busy  day." 

MORAL. — This  tale  teaches  that  a  little  smooth 
talk  and  tact  is  more  effective  than  a  bluff. 


and  t&e  Porcupine, 

Two  DOGS  were  out  hunting  together,  when 
they  spied  a  porcupine  near  by.  One  of  the  dogs 
was  about  to  make  a  rush  for  the  animal,  but 


51 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 


the  other  restrained  him,  saying:  UI  can't  say 
that  I  ever  saw  this  particular  animal  before, 
but  I  once  tackled  a  brother  of  his,  and  I  have  re- 
gretted it  ever  since." 

MORAL. — You  can't  always  tell  from  the  size 
and  appearance  of  an  individual  just  what  will 
happen  when  he  is  stirred  up. 


Canat^Bird  tfiat  flfllanted  to  be  free. 

A  CANARY-BIRD  that  had  been  kept  in  captivity 
all  its  life,  began  to  yearn  for  liberty.  Finally 
the  owner  of  the  bird  concluded  to  grant  the 
request,  and  opening  the  door  of  the  cage,  bt 
the  bird  fly  out  into  the  open  air.  For  a  little 
time  the  bird  was  happy,  but  after  awhile  it 
began  to  be  hungry  and  cold,  and  did  not  know 
how  to  hustle  for  either  food  or  shelter.  Finally 
it  could  bear  it  no  longer,  and,  flying  back  to  the 
door  of  its  cage,  begged  to  be  taken  in,  and  gladly 
returned  to  its  old  condition  of  dependence. 

MORAL. — Liberty  is  a  doubtful  blessing  to  the 
individual  who  is  not  fitted  to  enjoy  it. 


52 


A  N  individual 
who  had  a  fool 
notion  that  he 
could  paint,  took 
one  of  his  pro- 
ductions to  an  art 
sale,  but  found 
to  his  disappoint- 
ment that  there 
were  no  bidders 

for  it.  At  the  same  time  he  saw  a  little  painting 
by  another  man  knocked  off  at  $2,000.  Filled 
with  chagrin,  he  complained  to  the  auctioneer, 


53 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

saying:  "How  is  this?  There  are  more  paint 
and  more  colors  in  this  picture  of  mine  than  in 
that,  but  this  man  walks  off  with  a  wad  of  monev 

'  €/ 

while  I  don't  get  a  cent."  "It  is  possible,  my 
friend,"  said  the  auctioneer,  as  he  took  down  an- 
other picture,  "that  if  you  would  use  more  brains 
and  less  paint  you  might  have  more  chance  of 
making  a  sale." 


(Boat  anti  tfje  TSutter. 

AN  educated  and  also  conceited  billy-goat,  who 
had  whipped  everything  in  his  class  in  the  neigh- 
borhood in  which  he  resided,  concluded  that  he  was 
a  little  the  warmest  proposition  in  the  goat  line 
that  had  ever  struck  that  section  of  the  country. 
One  day  as  the  billy-goat  was  passing  a  grocery 
store  he  noticed  the  sign,  "The  best  country  butter 
kept  here."  "I  figure,"  said  the  proud  goat  as  he 
re-read  the  sign,  "that  I  am  a  little  the  best  coun- 
try butt-er,  myself,  that  there  is  around  these 
parts,  and  I  will  just  step  in  and  whip  the  whey 
out  of  this  thing  that  is  kept  in  this  store."  But 
when  the  proud  and  conceited  goat  got  near 


54 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

enough  to  get  a  whiff  of  the  article  that  was  kept 
in  a  crock  on  the  counter  of  the  store,  his  coun- 
tenance fell,  and  he  walked  out  without  saying  a 
word.  And  when  the  goat's  wife,  who  had  not 
gone  into  the  store,  but  who  noticed  the  look  of 
dejection  on  the  face  of  her  spouse,  asked,  ''Why 
did  you  not  knock  it  out,  William  ?"  the  crest- 
fallen goat  replied :  "My  confiding  spouse,  I  may 
be  reckless  at  times,  but  I  think  I  know  when  I  am 
up  against  something  that  is  stronger  than  I  am." 


Actions  &piafc  iotiarr  ttjan 

A  TEAMP,  sauntering  along  the  road,  stopped  at 
the  front  gate  of  a  yard  and  was  about  to  enter  and 
call  for  a  hand-out,  when  suddenly  a  large  brindlc- 
complexioned  bulldog  appeared  on  -the  porch,  and 
looked  the  traveler  over  without  making  a  sound. 
"Good  day,"  said  the  tramp,  as  he  hastily  shut  the 
gate  and  got  a  move  on  himself  down  the  pike; 
"'you  haven't  opened  your  mouth,  you  pug-nosed 
son-of-a-gun,  but  there  are  times  when  actions 
speak  louder  than  words." 


55 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


and  tfje  tHin  Can. 

AN  unfortunate  dog,  to  whose  narrative  some 
bad  boys  had  'attached  a  tin  can,  was  hitting  the 
road  on  the  elevated  places  and  proceeding 
through  space  at  the  rate  of  about  thirty  miles  an 
hour,  when  another  dog,  who  had  had  considera- 
ble experience,  noticing  the  vanishing  form  of 
his  fellow-canine,  said  to  some  companions: 
"Hear  that  dog  howl,  and  notice  the  way  he  is 
pulling  out  through  space.  And  yet  if  he  had 
sense  enough  to  stop  and  investigate  he  would 
find  that  aside  from  a  slight,  inconvenience,  that 
can  wouldn't  bother  him  at  all." 

MORAL.  —  If  you  will  boldly  face  the  thing  that 
seems  likely  to  do  you  harm,  you  will  probably 
find  that  it  is  not  so  serious  as  you  imagined. 


Draron  and  rtjr  Coto. 

A  cow  that  was  owned  by  a  deacon,  who  had 
long  been  a  devout  class-leader,  heard  him  ad- 
monishing his  son  and  heir  that  he  should  always 


56 


57 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

guard  his  temper,  saying  that  outbursts  of  pas- 
sion were  both  unnecessary  and  sinful.  A  little 
while  after,  the  deacon  came  down  the  path  to 
the  cow-lot  with  a  pail  in  his  hand,  humming 
a  hymn-tune  as  he  came.  And  after  the  deacon 
had  seated  himself  beside  the  brindle  cow  and 
extracted  a  bucket  of  foaming  milk,  it  occurred 
to  her  that  she  would  have  some  fun  with  him; 
and  she  thereupon  proceeded  to  give  him  a  right 
hook  with  her  rear  limb.  The  deacon  did  not  have 
his  guard  up  at  the  time,  his  mind  being  occupied 
with  thoughts  of  higher  things,  and  the  cow's  foot 
took  him  square  in  the  diaphragm,  knocking  him 
the  space  of  about  ten  feet,  and  spilling-  the  bucket 
of  milk  over  his  person.  Then  the  cow  laughed 
softly  to  herself,-  saying :  "This  will  be  all  right 
with  the  deacon,  because  I  heard  him  say  that 
under  no  circumstances  should  one  let  his  temper 
get  away  with  him."  But  the  deacon,  as  soon  as 
he  could  gather  enough  wind  to  take  the  place  of 
that  which  the  cow  had  knocked  out  of  him,  arose 
to  his  feet,  and  gathering  a  hard-wood  club,  pro- 
ceeded to  beat  the  cow  to  a  f are-you-well,  and  also 
addressed  language  to  her  that  sounded  like  the 


58 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

language  of  a  man  who  had  temporarily  forsaken 
the  communion  of  the  saints.  And  as  the  cow  sub- 
sequently meditated  on  her  experience,  she  said: 
"I  gather  from  the  conduct  of  the  deacon  that  it 
is  a  lot  easier  to  tell  somebody  else  how  to  be 
good  than  it  is  to  stick  to  your  own  text." 


Jable  &&otom£  tjjat  &$t  i&  not  altoapgf  a 
^protection. 

AN  aged  turkey  and  a  fat  young  gobbler  were 
feeding  together  in  the  same  yard,  when  the  young 
and  alecky  bird  began  to  guy  the  aged  turkey 
about  his  lean  and  scrawny  appearance.  "Don't 
get  gay,  young  feller,"  said  the  aged  turkey,  who 
was  somewhat  riled  by  the  insolent  remarks  of  his 
young  companion  ;  "Christmas  is  coming,  and  you 
will  go  to  pot.  Then  YOU  will  see  that  it  is  not  so 

JL  i/ 

much  advantage  to  be  young  and  fat,  after  all." 
And  when  Christmas-time  came  around  a  spare- 
built  female  came  to  the  poultry-yard  to  select  a 
fowl  to  feed  to  her  boarders — for  keeping  board- 
ers was  her  business.  Then  the  aged  turkey,  who 


59 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

was  of  a  revengeful  disposition,  chuckled  to  him- 
self and  said :  "Xow  that  fat  young  thing  who 
guyed  me  but  yesterday  will  be  taken  and  I  will 
be  left."  But  to  the  astonishment  and  sorrow  of 
the  aged  bird,  the  spare-built  female  passed  by  the 
young  turkey  and  nabbed  HIM.  Then  the  aged 
turkey  protested,  and  called  the  attention  of  the 
spare-built  female  to  the  young  and  tender  bird ; 
but  she  only  replied,  as  she  wrung  his  neck  with 
a  circular  sweep  of  her  arm :  "I  think  I  under- 
stand my  business.  My  boarders  have  been  clam- 
oring for  turkey,  but  after  they  get  through  with 
you  they  will  be  content  with  plain  pork  anil 
beans." 

MORAL. — The  individual  who  thinks  he  is  all 
right  is  liable  to  get  it  in  the  neck  when  he  least 
expects  it. 


fe&rrtob  farmer. 

A  SMOOTH  Kansas  farmer  had  a  stack  of  straw 
that  he  wanted  eaten,  but  his  cattle,  who  had  been 
dining  on  sorghum  and  alfalfa,  turned  up  their 


60 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

noses  at  the  straw  when  it  was  thrown  out  to  them. 
Then  the  farmer  built  a  weak  fence  about  his 
straw-stacks,  and  went  away  to  see  what  would 
happen ;  and  a  large,  husky  steer,  who  was  the 
leader  of  the  herd,  "seeing  the  fence  about  the 
stacks,  addressed  his  companions,  saying:  "The 
old  fool  who  owns  this  ranch  seems  to  be  getting 
mighty  particular  about  his  straw,  but  if  he  thinks 
for  a  minute  that  he  has  fixed  it  so  that  we  can't 
get  at  it,  we  will  show  him  a  few  curves  that  ho 
never  dreamed  of  before."  Then  the  steer  arid 
his  companions  made  a  rush  and  broke  the  fence 
and  commenced  to  eat  the  straw  as  if  it  was  the 
best  thing  they  had  ever  struck  in  the  way  of  prov- 
ender. And  when  the  farmer-man  looked  out  and 
saw  the  cattle  filling  themselves  with  straw,  he 
laughed  a  low,  chuckling  laugh,  and  said :  "It  is 
as  I  thought :  them  cattle  hain't  got  any  more 
•sense  than  a  good  many  human  bein's  who  are  al- 
ways red-hot  to  get  the  things  they  suppose  some- 
body don't  want  them  to  have."  Which  speech 
showed  that  the  farmer  was  short  on  grammar 
but  long  on  common-sense. 


61 


CEnbiougf 

A  FLOCK  of  chickens 
were  tramping  round  after 
the  mother  hen,  when  one 
of  them  seized  a  good-sized 
worm  and  lit  out  with  it 
in  its  beak.  Immediately 
all  the  rest  of  the  flock 
started  to  run  after  the  one 
with  the  worm.  Then  the 
mother  hen  called  to  her 
offspring,  saying :  "If  you 
little  fools  would  put  in 
your  time  digging  round 
here  instead  of  trying  to 
take  the  worm  away  from 
your  successful  brother, 
you  wouldn't  be  so  leg- 
weary  and  would  have 
your  craws  a  lot  fuller." 

MORAL.  —  It  is  much 
better  to  try  to  dig  up  something  on  your  own 
account  than  to  spend  your  time  figuring  on  how 
you  can  get  the  best  of  somebody  else  and  do  him 
out  of  what  he  has  accumulated. 


62 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


anfc  tf&t  SDtecouraffrti  farmer, 

A  BAG-MAN,  who  was  gathering  up  worn-out 
clothing  in  the  country,  purchased  a  pair  of  dis- 
carded pants  at  a  farmhouse,  and  remarked  to  the 
man  of  the  house,  as  he  paid  for  the  stuff  he  had 
bought :  "I  see,  sir,  that  you  are  about  to  lose 
your  land  on  a  mortgage."  "I  guess  you  are 
right,"  said  the  discouraged  farmer;  "but  will 
you  tell  me  how  the  Sam  Hill  you  found  that 
out  ?"  "Easy  enough,"  said  the  cheerful  rag-man, 
as  he  settled  back  on  the  seat  of  his  peddling- 
wagon  and  clucked  to  his  horse.  "I  notice  that 
these  pants  are  completely  played  out,  so  far  as 
the  part  you  sat  down  on  is  concerned,  but  they 
show  mighty  little  wear  anywhere  else." 


anto  tty  jfat 

A  FAMILY  of  young  rats,  seeing  a  large  fat 
Thomas-cat  lying  in  the  sun  near  their  home,  ran 
to  their  mother  in  great  fear,  saying:  "Mother, 
there  is  a  cat  out  there  nearly  as  big  as  a  dog.  It 
will  get  the  whole  outfit  of  us,  sure,  if  we  don't 


63 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

move."  But  the  mother  rat,  after  going  out  where 
she  could  take  a  survey  of  the  fat  Thomas-cat, 
said :  "Children,  don't  worry  yourselves  about 
that  cat ;  we  can  do  business  in  this  locality  for 
a  year,  so  far  as  he  is  concerned.  But  if  you  hap- 
pen to  notice  a  lean,  scrawny-looking  female  feline 
scouting  round  in  this  neighborhood,  let  me  know, 
and  we  will  get  out  of  here  so  quick  it  will. make 
your  little  heads  swim.  You  can  bank  on  it  that 
she  has  a  family  to  support,  and  that  she  is  looking 
for  rats  in  dead  earnest." 


(Eagle  and  t&e  Bluebirb. 

A  LARGE  eagle  was  making  sport  of  a  modest 
little  bluebird  that  was  industriously  gathering 
a  batch  of  worms  with  which  to  feed  her  young. 
"You  insignificant  bird,"  said  the  eagle,  "all  you 
can  do  is  to  gather  measly  little  worms,  while  I 
live  on  choice  young  mutton."  Just  then  a  man, 
who  had  seen  the  eagle  carry  off  one  of  his  lambs, 
slipped  up  in  range  with  his  gun,  and  shot  a  hole 
into  the  person  of  that  eagle  that  you  could  have 


64 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

put  a  half-inch  auger  through.  And  as  the  little 
bird  flew  away  with  a  worm  in  her  beak,  she  re- 
marked to  herself:  "The  eagle  that  soars  up  in 
the  sky  and  lives  on  fresh  mutton  don't  seem  in 
the  long  run  to  hold  the  edge  to  any  considerable 
extent  over  the  little  bluebird  who  lives  on  com- 
mon worms." 


Uncongf  iterate 

A  PLAYFUL  young  pup,  seeing  a  mule  standing 
near  by,  quietly  filling  himself  with  hay  and  gaz- 
ing about  in  a  meditative  manner,  concluded  to 
have  some  fun  by  nipping  the  mule's  heels.  A 
little  while  later,  as  the  alecky  pup's  mother  looked 
over  the  mangled  remains  of  her  son,  she  said :  "If 
that  son  of  mine  had  asked  me,  before  he  tried  to 
spring  his  little  joke,  which  end  of  that  mule  was 
loaded,  he  might  have  been  alive  and  well  at  this 
writing." 

MORAL. — It  is  a  mighty  good  idea  for  the 
young  to  consult  their  elders  before  they  under- 
take projects  on  their  own  hook. 


65 


DON'T 

TEASE 
AN'IMALS 


and 


A     HOUSE  -  CAT, 

having  heard  that 
it  belonged  to  the 
same  family  as 
the  tiger,  became 
puffed  up  on  account  of  the  supposed  relationship, 
and  went  around  the  neighborhood  blowing  about 
his  connection  with  royalty.  Shortly  afterward  the 
swell-headed  cat,  seeing  a  royal  Bengal  tiger  in 
the  zoo,  approached  the  lord  of  the  jungle  and 
with  a  bland  smile  remarked  :  "I  am  one  of  your 
near  relatives,  and  thought  I  would  step  up  and 
call  on  you."  "Is  that  a  fact?"  asked  the  tiger, 


66 


TOM    McNEAL'S   FABLES 


with  a  slight  curl  of  the  lip.  "Well,  come  here, 
cousin,  and  allow  ine  to  embrace  you."  Then  the 
fool  cat,  flattered  by  this  reception,  came  up 
within  reach  of  the  tiger,  who  caught  it  between 
his  jaws  and  squeezed  the  life  out  of  it  before 
a  person  of  active  speech  could  say  Jack  Robin- 
son. And  a  companion,  who  had  heard  the  boast- 
ing cat  talk,  said,  as  it  viewed  the  dead  feline 
lying  in  the  bottom  of  the  tiger's  cage:  "It  oc- 
curs to  me  that  I  would  rather  be  just  a  common 
Thomas-cat  alive,  and  be  able  to  sit  on  the  back- 
yard fence  and  yowl,  than  the  dead  relative  of 
a  royal  Bengal  tiger." 


politician  and  t& 

A  MAN  who  was  fool  enough  to  contribute  of  his 
substance  to  a  lot  of  grafters  who  flattered  him 
into  believing  that  he  had  a  chance  to  be  elected  to 
office,  was  one  day  bathing  in  a  pond,  when  a  leech 
fastened  itself  to  his  leg.  As  soon  as  the  man  dis- 
covered it  he  hurriedly  pulled  it  off  and  threw 
it  away.  Then  the  leech,  looking  after  the  man 


67 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 


as  he  walked  away,  said :  "That  fool  won't  permit 
a  little  blood-sucker  like  me,  who  only  wants  a  drop 
or  two,  to  touch  him,  but  he  keeps  that  crowd  of 
big  bleeders  about  him  and  lets  them  drain  him 
dry." 


A  SPIDEE  carefully  wove  his  net  in  the  corner 
of  the  room,  and  waited  for  a  victim.  By-and-by, 
seeing  a  fly  meandering  along  in  that  direction, 
he  invited  him  in  to  chat  awhile,  casually  offering 
to  set  'em  up  as  an  extra  inducement.  ''May  I 
ask,"  said  the  fly  as  he  brushed  a  bread  crumb 
off  his  left  eyebrow  with  his  front  foot,  "why  you 
are  so  blamed  anxious  to  strike  up  an  acquaintance 
with  an  entire  stranger?  So  far -as  I  know,  you 
never  saw  me  before  in  your  life."  "True,"  re- 
plied the  spider,  as  he  fastened  another  strand ; 
"but  as  soon  as  I  saw  you  I  was  stuck  on  your 
appearance,  and  determined  that  you  were  the 
individual  I  had  been  looking  for  to  go  in  with 
me  in  a  great  business  venture.  I  can  see  iu 
a  minute  that  you  have  a  great  head  for  business." 


68 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

» 

But  the  fly,  instead  of  being  taken  in  by  this  sort  of 
talk,  simply  said :  "My  fuzzy-headed  duffer,  I  might 
possibly  be  caught  by  the  sort  of  glucose  you  are 
giving  me,  if  it  wasn't  for  the  fact  that  I  see  the 
remains  of  a  friend  of  mine  from  Missouri  hang- 
ing up  there  in  the  corner  of  your  establishment. 
He  had  to  be  shown — I  don't/'  And  with  a  light 
"Ta,  ta, — I  will  see  you  later,"  the  Kansas  fly 
wended  his  way  toward  the  bald  head  of  a  fat 
man  who  was  slumbering  on  a  neighboring  couch. 


Sop  tofjo  Heanwd  a  3U00on. 

A  MEDDLESOME  sort  of  boy  went  into  a  black- 
smith shop,  and  seeing  a  new  horseshoe  lying  on 
the  floor,  picked  it  up.  As  it  had  come  out  of  the 
tire  only  a  few  minutes  before  that,  the  boy 
dropped  it.  with  a  yell,  and  began  to  execute  a 
sort  of  green-corn  dance  on  the  smithy  floor.  "If 
you  will  learn  from  this,  young  man,"  said  the 
smith,  as  he  tied  up  the  boy's  hand,  "to  use  your 
eyes  more  and  your  hands  less  when  you  are  in 
other  people's  places  of  business,  you  will  have 
more  friends,  and  fewer  scars  to  carry." 


69 


Coyote  and 
tlie  Crane. 

A  KANSAS  coyote 
while  dining  off 
the  carcass  of  a 
jack-rabbit  got  a 
splinter  of  bone 
fast  in  his  throat, 
and  seeing  a  sand- 
hill crane  fishing- 
near  by,  ran  to 
it,  saying:  "  My 
friend,  yon  seem 
to  be  mighty 
handy  with  that 
neck  of  yours.  I 
wish  you  would  be 
kind  enough  to  fish 
that  piece  of  bone 
out  of  my  throat." 
But  instead  of 
complying  with 
the  request,  the 
crane  slowly  closed  one  optic  as  it  prepared  to  make 
a  dive  for  another  fisli,  and  said:  "I  would  have 
you  understand,  you  sharp-nosed  chicken-thief, 
that  I  am  no  Reuben.  I  was  out  here  in  Kansas 


70 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


during  the  boom,  and  learned  that  there  are  a  lot 
of  things  it  is  safe  to  keep  out  of.  You  will  have 
to  ask  some  tender-foot  to  pull  that  bone  for  you, 
or  else  manage  to  cough  it  up  yourself." 

MORAL.- — It  is  the  part  of  wisdom  not  to  put 
yourself  in  the  power  of  a  scoundrel. 


Cat  and  tfie  politician. 

AN  injudicious  Thomas-cat  became  engaged  in 
a  heated  argument  with  another  male  feline,  who 
was  possessed  of  considerable  more  strength  and 
agility  than  himself. 

When  the  argument  was  ended  the  first-men- 
tioned cat  was  short  one  ear  and  an  eye.  His 
nose  was  also  split  from  base  to  apex,  and  he  had 
lost  enough  hair  to  stuff  a  small  pillow. 

The  unfortunate  Thomas-cat  crawled  feebly 
under  a  neighboring  porch  to  take  an  inventory 
of  what  was  left  of  himself,  and  begin  to  figure 
on  the  question  of  repairs.  Just  then  two  Demo- 
cratic politicians  came  out  and  sat  down  upon  the 
porch,  and  began  to  comment  on  the  election  re- 


71 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

turns.  They  insisted  that  on  the  whole,  the  result 
of  the  late  contest  Mras  very  favorable  to  the  Demo- 
cratic party. 

Then  a  sad  smile  came  over  the  disfigured  coun- 
tenance of  the  Thomas-cat,  who  was  listening 
under  the  porch,  and  he  said  to  himself:  "I  con- 
clude, after  listening  to  the  conversation  of  those 
two  cheerful  ducks,  that  I  must  have  whipped  that 
other  cat  after  all ;  but  if  I  were  to  whip  him 
again  the  same  way  there  wouldn't  be  a  piece  of 
hide  left  on  me  big  enough  to  make  a  collarette 
for  a  katydid." 

MOKAL. — It  is  a  raw  day  indeed  when  a  Demo- 
cratic politician  can't  get  some  comfort  out  of 
election  returns. 


tfiat 

A  SMALL  but  belligerent  dog  was  left  in  charge 
of  a  buggy  while  his  master  attended  to  some  busi- 
ness in  a  neighboring  store.  A  large  brindle- 
complexioned  cur  happened  along  that  way,  and, 
seeing  nothing  about  the  buggy  to  guard  it  except 
the  small  dog,  concluded  to  help  himself  to  some 


72 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

provisions  he  saw  in  the  vehicle,  supposing  that  his 
size  would  bluff  the  guard.  To  his  astonishment, 
the  small  dog  did  not  bluff  worth  a  cent,  but  on  the 
contrary,  made  a  running  jump,  climbed  all  over 
the  brindle  cur,  and  bit  him  in  four  different 
places  within  three  seconds  by  the  watch.  Tt  was 
a  great,  surprise  party  to  the  brindle  cur,  and, 
filling  the  surrounding  atmosphere  with  howls  of 
pain,  he  lit  out  down  the  street.  As  the  small 
dog  quietly  lay  down  again  under  the  buggy,  he  re- 
marked softly  to  himself:  "I  have  noticed  during 
my  association  with  both  dogs  and  men,  that  nerve 
and  activity  count  for  a  blamed  sight  more  than 
size  and  hair." 


and  t&e  Paint 

A  FLY  was  found  by  a  companion  rolling  about 
in  great  agony.  ''What  ails  you?"  inquired  the 
companion  in  a  sympathetic  tone  of  voice.  "I  have 
the  painter's  colic,"  groaned  the  sick  fly  as  an 
expression  of  agony  swept  over  his  countenance. 
"I  thought  I  would  take  a  few  bites  off  the  bright 
red  cheeks  of  that  woman  over  there,  and  this  is 
the  result." 


73 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


fictile  and 


AN  observant  mule  noticed  that  his  master,  who 
was  very  short  on  hair,  was  much  bothered  by 
flies  lighting  on  his  bald  crown,  —  so  much  so 
that  he  frequently  expressed  himself  in  language 
that  was  unbecoming 
to  a  pillar  of  the 
church  militant.  The 
mule,  thinking  to 
make  himself  useful, 
watched  until  a  fly 
settled  clown  on  his 
master's  dome  of 
thought.  Then  the 
mule  let  go  with  his 
right  hind  foot,  say- 
ing to  himself  as  he 
did  so:  "I  will  just 
knock  the  tar  out  of 
that  infernal  fly,  and 
win  the  lasting  grati- 
tude of  my  master." 
The  kick  killed  the 
flv. 


74 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

It  was  some  time  before  the  bald-headed  man 
recovered  consciousness,  but  when  he  did,  in- 
stead of  praising  the  mule  as  that  animal  had 
expected,  he  gathered  up  a  club  and  beat  him  to 
a  fare-you-well.  Then  the  mule  went  to  a  horse 
that  was  pasturing  in  the  same  field,  and  com- 
plained of  the  lack  of  appreciation  on  the  part 
of  his  master,  saying:  "I  killed  the  fly  that  was 
feeding  on  his  bald  head,  but  instead  of  thank- 
ing me  for  my  generous  act  of  friendship,  he 
broke  my  ribs  with  a  club."  "My  long-eared 
friend,"  said  the  horse  as  he  took  another  nip  of 
alfalfa,  "friendship  is  all  right,  but  you  may 
learn  from  this  experience  that  there  is  such  a 
thing  as  being  too  allnred  effusive." 

MORAL. — A  friend  without  sense  is  liable  to 
do  more  harm  than  good. 


S^tetafee  of 

IN  the  days  when  the  gods  and  goddesses  were 
doing  business  on  earth,  Apollo  was  reckoned  as 
the  leading  musician  among  the  deities  of  the  swell 


75 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

set.  Among  the  second-class  gods  was  Pan,  who 
cut  considerable  ice  in  his  own  neighborhood,  but 
who  never  ranked  as  being  in  the  main  push.  Pan 
had  fixed  up  an  instrument  of  reeds  with  which 
he  could  play  several  old  familiar  tunes,  such  as 
"Zip  Coon,"  "Buffalo  Girls,  are  You  Comin'  Out 
To-night  ?"  and  "Down  on  the  Suwanee  River," 
in  a  way  that  pleased  the  jays  who  were  not  up  on 
opera  music,  very  much.  These  admirers  praised 
Pan  until  he  acquired  the  notion  that  he  was  a 
very  warm  proposition  indeed,  and  issued  a  chal- 
lenge to  the  effect  that  he  would  play  a  match  with 
any  of  the  musicians,  either  gods  or  men,  bar  none, 
two  best  in  three.  The  judges  of  the  contest  were 
to  be  selected  from  among  the  gods  and  men ;  one 
of  the  men  being  King  Midas,  who  supposed  that  he 
was  a  judge  of  music,  though  he  really  knew  little 
more  about  real  melody  than  an  English  sparrow. 
When  the  contest  was  called,  Pan  came  with  his 
piccolo  and  played  a  few  tunes  that  he  had  learned 
by  ear.  Then  Apollo  came  in  with  a  brand-new 
harp  of  his  own  manufacture.  It  was  a  nice  harp, 
and  could  not  be  duplicated  at  this  time  for  less 
than  $2.85.  He  then  proceeded  to  knock  off  some 


76 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

of  the  latest  opera  music,  putting  on  numerous 
frills  such  as  had  not  been  heard  of  in  thocs  parts 
before.  When  he  was  through,  all  the  judges  ex- 
cept Midas  immediately  decided  that  Apollo  was 
entitled  to  the  blue  ribbon,  and  that  Pan  simply 
wasn't  in  it.  Midas,  however,  stood  out,  and  de- 
clared that  Pan's  style  suited  him  a  lot  better  than 
the  operatic  frills  put  on  by  Apollo,  and  that  Pan 
would  have  his  vote.  This  made  Apollo  warm 
under  the  neckband,  and,  after  making  a  few  sar- 
castic remarks  about  a  judge  who  didn't  have  any 
more  idea  of  harmony  than  a  swine  has  of  the  pro- 
tective tariff,  he  said  that  Midas  was  a  sure-enough 
ass,  and  should  have  ears  to  suit  his  character  and 
understanding.  Then  Apollo  ordered  a  pair  of 
ears  put  on  Midas  like  the  auricular  appendages 
of  a  Kansas  mule,  and  from  that  time  on  King 
Midas  had  to  pay  more  for  ear-muffs  than  he  had 
to  pay  for  hats,  because  the  muffs  were  larger. 

MORAL. — This  fable  teaches  that  when  Midas 
saw  that  the  rest  of  the  judges  wTere  against  him, 
the  smooth  thing  to  have  done  would  have  been  to 
look  wise  and  kept  his  mouth  shut. 


A  CUK  dog 
that  had  just 
moved  into  the 
State  and  was 
not  onto  the 
ways  of  the 
country,  jumped  up  a  jack-rabbit  and  pursued  it 
with  great  vigor  until  he  nearly  wore  his  fool  self 
out.  Finally  the  rabbit,  who  had  been  making  a 
monkey  of  the  cur  dog,  said,  as  he  straightened 
himself  out  and  began  to  scatter  space  behind  him 
in  a  way  that  made  tlie  cur  appear  to  be  standing 
still :  ''Well,  my  stub-tailed  friend,  I  will  have 
to  leave  you  now,  as  the  folks  are  expecting  me 
at  home.  If  you  had  directed  your  attention  to 
a  cottontail  cousin  of  mine  instead  of  trying  to 
stay  with  me,  you  might  possibly  have  had  some 
meat  by  this  time." 

MOKAL. — Many  an  individual  wastes  his  life 
and  energy  in  trying  to  travel  in  a  class  that  is 
too  swift  for  him. 


78 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


Pretentious 

Two  HORSES  that  bad  been  reared  on  tbe  same 
farm  were  being  exhibited  at  a  country  fair  as 
competitors  for  the  premium  offered  for  the  best 
work-horse.  One  of  the  horses,  who  had  a  lot  of 
hard  common-sense  in  his  head,  went  at  the  task 
given  him  just  as  he  did  on  the  farm.  He  made 
a  strong,  steady  pull,  but  put  on  no  flourishes. 
The  other  horse,  who  was  considerably  puffed  up 
by  the  fact  that  he  was  on  exhibition,  concluded 
that  he  would  do  something  that  would  excite  the 
wonder  and  admiration  of  the  crowd,  and,  by  a 
mighty  strain,  succeeded  in  pulling  an  extraordi- 
nary load.  That  evening,  as  the  two  horses  were 
standing  in  their  stalls  filling  their  interiors  with 
corn  and  alfalfa  and  talking  over  the  events  of  the 
day,  the  horse  who  had  tried  to  show  off  suggested 
to  his  companion  in  a  pompous  manner  that  he 
considered  himself  about  the  warmest  number 
that  ever  came  down  the  pike.  "Perhaps  so," 
answered  the  other  horse  dryly,  "but  I  am  think- 
ing, young  fellow,  that  when  the  man  who  has 
bought  you  insists  on  your,  keeping  up  to  the 


79 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

record  you  have  made  to-day,  and  warms  you  up 
with  a  blacksnake  if  you  don't  do  it,  you  may 
think  that  you  would  have  been  better  off  if  you 
had  not  been  so  allfired  warm." 

MOKAL.- — Don't  try  to  create  the  impression 
that  you  are  a  warmer  proposition  than  you  really 
are. 


Cfmtci) 

A  STKAXGER  in  a  Kansas  town  was  induced  to 
attend  a  church  social  where  oysters  were  served. 
He  was  brought  a  plate  of  soup  in  which  there  was 
an  oyster  which  had  the  appearance  of  having 
pined  away  for  lack  of  companionship.  In  a  few 
moments  a  female  collector  came  around  and  sug- 
gested to  the  stranger  that  he  dig  up  the  sum  of 
thirty-five  cents,  which  he  did.  As  he  pushed 
back  his  plate  of  soup  with  its  sad-looking  oyster 
and  started  to  leave  the  church,  he  was  waited  on 
by  the  committee  in  charge  of  affairs,  who  gave 
him  a  pressing  invitation  to  attend  church  the  next 
day.  "Thanks-  for  your  invitation,"  said  the 
weary  stranger,  as  he  pushed  on  toward  the  door ; 


•80 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

"but  if  your  religion  is  as  thin  as  your  soup  I 
believe  I  will  hunt  for  another  church." 

MORAL. — You  can't   swindle  a  man's  stomach 
and  at  the  same  time  expect  to  touch  his  heart. 


25uff0  anli  tfje  (Enfflisl)  fepartotog. 

A  FAMILY  of  bugs  were  preparing  to  make  a 
raid  on  some  fruit  trees,  when  one  of  the  younger 
ones  happened  to  notice  a  parcel  of  English  spar- 
rows chattering  around  in  the  immediate  vicinity 
of  the  trees,  and  turning  to  its  mother,  said  with 
alarm :  ".Mother,  we  had  better  hike  out  from  here 
or  those  birds  will  get  every  mother's  son  of  us." 
But  the  old  bug  kept  right  on  heading  for  the  tree, 
as  she  calmly  replied:  "My  son,  those  birds  can 
fuss  and  fight  and  raise  more  trouble  for  their 
size  than  any  birds  I  ever  saw,  but  I  never  knew 
one  to  catch  a  bug  or  a  worm." 

MOKAL. — There  are  many  people 'who  stir  up  a 
good  deal  of  trouble  and  make  lots  of  noise,  but 
when  it  comes  to  doing  anything  useful  they  are 
not  in  evidence. 


81 


3mitatibe 


A  GOAT  that  be- 
longed to  a  man  who 
was  continually  roar- 
Ing  about  something 
or  other,  was  de- 
tected in  the  act  of 
lunching  on  a  some- 
what frayed  suit  of 
his  master's  last  win- 
ter's underwear  which  had  been  washed  and  hung 
on  the  line  to  dry.  But  when  the  hired  girl  went 
after  the  goat  with  a  bit  of  a  board,  he  protested, 
saying  :  "Please  do  not  get  too  gay  with  me,  young 
woman.  I  am  simply  following  the  example  of 
our  master,  and  chewing  the  rag." 


Hiding-Sufi;  and  tlje  flfiia*  Jigurr. 

A  KISSING-BUG,  which  was  flitting  along  the 
street  of  a  town,  noticed  wrhat  he  supposed  was  a 
handsome  pink-cheeked  maiden  standing  in  front 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


of  a  dry-goods  store,  and  said  to  himself:  "There 
is  a  pair  of  lips  for  you.  I  will  make  those  other 
fool  bugs  green  with  envy  when  I  tell  them  what 
a  soft  snap  I  struck  in  the  way  of  osculation." 
But  when  the  kissing-bug  lit  on  the  lips  of  the 
figure  and  began  to  work  his  kissing  apparatus, 
he  was  surprised  to  find  that  the  supposed  female 
exhibited  no  interest  in  the  performance,  and  the 
only  effect  was  to  batter  and  bruise  his  mug  until 
he  wasn't  able  to  attend  to  business  for  a  week. 
When  he  returned  home  and  told  his  troubles  to  his 
parent,  the  old  bug,  who  had  had  some  experience 
with  wax  figures  himself,  said,  as  he  gave  his  de- 
scendant the  bug-laugh:  "My  son,  the  inexperi- 
enced fool  judges  from  appearances,  but  after 
awhile  you  will  learn  that  you  can't  always  bank 
on  cherry  lips  and  a  beautiful  complexion." 


iupitet  and  rf)f  Iliac,  p. 

IN  the  early  time,  when  Tupiter  was  supposed 
to  have  a  sort  of  general  supervision  of  things,  and 
complaints  were  made  to  him  in  person,  a  wasp 


83 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

flew  in  one  day  and  told  Jupe  that  she  would  like 
to  have  a  little  private  conversation  with  him. 
"Well,  what  's  up  now  ?"  asked  Jupiter,  as  he 
shut  one  eye  and  squinted  along  a  fresh  thunder- 
bolt, to  see  if  the  shaft  was  straight.  "It  is  this 
way,"  said  the  wasp,  as  she  glanced  down  at  her 
slender  waist  :  "I  think  I  can  say  without  boast- 
ing that  none  of  the  birds  or  insects  lay  it  over 
me  in  the  matter  of  shape  and  complexion,  and  1 
am  satisfied  you  will  say  so  yourself.  I  ought  to 
be  the  leader  of  the  swell  set,  but  for  some  reason 
or  other  that  tacky  honey-bee,  that  has  no  more 
style  than  a  cow,  can  get  into  society  where  I  can't. 
I  want  to  know  what  is  the  trouble." 

"Well,"  said  Jupiter,  as  he  tested  the  point  of 
the  thunderbolt  with  his  thumb-nail,  "to  tell  you 
the  truth,  your  shape  is  all  right,  but  that  bilious 
disposition  of  yours  would  keep  anybody  out  of 
society." 


flfllatc&doff  and  tfie 

A  HOUSEWIFE  who  was  engaged  in  the  poultry 
business  noticed  that  her  eggs  were  disappearing 
with  marked  rapidity,  and  she  set  a  trained  and 


84 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

trusted  housedog  to  guard  the  henhouse.  Scarcely 
had  the  housedog  taken  his  position  as  guard,  when, 
he  was  visited  by  an  obsequious  hound,  who  began 
to  proclaim  his  own  virtues  and  vehemently  de- 
clare that  he  had  never  sucked  an  egg  in  his  life ; 
but  the  watchdog,  after  listening  to  his  story,  dryly 
replied:  "My  lop-eared  friend,  if  you  had  kept 
your  mouth  shut  and  not  made  this  talk  until 
there  were  some  charges  filed  against  you,  my  at- 
tention might  not  have  been  attracted  to  that  smear 
of  egg  on  your  jaw.  As  it  is  now,  unless  you  pull 
out  of  here  at. a  right  lively  gait  I  will  bite  enough 
bologna  out  of  you  to  feed  two  families  for  one 
meal." 

MOEAL. — The  individual  who  is  in  the  habit  of 
proclaiming  his  own  honesty,  as  a  rule  cannot  be 
trusted  for  a  minute. 


Cfje  S^uti'SDaufaer  anto  tfie  Pantaloons 

A  "MUD-DAUBER"  that  was  looking  through  a 
tumble-down  house  for  a  location  where  she 
might  build  her  nest  and  rear  her  young,  noticed 


85 


TOM  McNEAL'S.  FABLES 

hanging  on  the  wall  a  pair  of  pantaloons  with 
two  holes  worn  through  the  basement.  Seeing  this, 
the  female  "mud-dauber"  said  to  her  mate:  "We 
will  build  our  nest  right  here.  The  man  who  owns 
those  trousers  is  out  somewhere  sitting  on  a  store- 
box  and  wearing  holes  in  the  seat  of  another 
pair;  and  even  if  he  comes  home,  he  won't  have 
enough  energy  to' drive  us  out  from  here."  And 
as  the  summer  went  on,  the  happy  "mud-daubers" 
built  their  nest  and  reared  their  young  undis- 
turbed, while  the  man  who  had  worn  the  panta- 
loons still  sat  on  the  store-box  and  whittled  and 
spat  and  growled  about  the  times. 

MORAL. — A  man  can  frequently  be  sized  up  by 
the  way  in  which  he  wears  out  his  pantaloons. 


C&icken, 

A  BOARDER  in  a  restaurant  who  had  ordered 
spring  chicken,  set  up  a  roar  when  the  piece  of 
cooked  fowl  was  set  before  him,  saying  to  the 
waiter:  "What  do  you  mean  by  trying  to  palm 
this  off  on  me  for  spring  chicken  ?  Why,  I 


86 


87 


TOM  McXKAL'S  FABLES 

couldn't  cut  it  with  an  ax."  "Calm  yourself,  my 
excited  friend/'  said  the  undisturbed  waiter,  as 
he  carelessly  picked  a  cockroach  out  of  the  milk- 
pitcher;  "that  is  spring  chicken  all  right,  enough, 
jus-t  as  represented,  hut  it  was  raised  in  Kentucky, 
where  toughness  is  no  indication  of  age." 


Pljilantijroptet  and  t&e  Buiiard. 

A  TEUE  philanthropist  found  the  nest  of  a  buz- 
zard, and  took  from  it  one  of  the  young  birds  that 
was  not  yet  able  to  fly.  The  man  had  a  notion 
that  by  careful  raising  he  could  make  quite  a 
handsome  and  cleanly  bird  out  of  that  young  buz- 
zard.- He  accordingly  put  the  bird  among  his 
chickens,  and  fed  it  on  clean  corn  and  chop  feed. 
The  buzzard  ate  the  feed  because  there  did  not 
seem  to  be  anything  else  handy,  but  it  was  evident 
that  it  was  not  entirely  happy.  •  At  last  there 
came  a  day  when  the  young  bird's  wings  were 
strong  enough  that  it  could  fly,  and  spreading  its 
pinions,  it  sailed  over  the  chicken-yard  fence  and 
up  into  the  azure  blue.  But  it  did  not  stay  long 


88 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

in  the  azure  blue,  for  it  smelled  the  carcass  of  a 
horse  that  had  departed  this  life  a  week  or  such 
a  matter  previously.  And  when  the  man  that, 
had  taken  the  buzzard  to  raise  and  train  in  the 
way  that  was  right  went  out  to  look  for  it,  he 

«/  CT'  / 

found  it  filling  its  interior  with  the  putrid  flesh 
of  the  deceased  horse  in  a  way  that  was  shocking 
indeed.  Seeing  this,  the  godd  man  said:  "'I 
might  feed  you  on  angel-food  and  bathe  you  in 
rose-water,  but  the  first  chance  you  got  you  would 

fill  yourself  with  carrion  and  associate  with  buz- 

t 

zards." 

MOKAL. — It  is  hard  to  get  any  good  out  of  a  bad 
breed. 


C5erman  Carp. 

A  GERMAN  carp  that  had  filled  up  on  spoiled 
meat,  slops  and  other  delicacies  of  that  sort,  had 
grown  fat  and  much  "stuck"  on  himself.  One 
day  the  carp,  hearing  a  bass  complain  because 
a  fisherman  had  tried  to  catch  it  with  a  hook, 
said:  "You  should  watch  me.  I  am  permitted 
to  live  here  undisturbed,  as  you  see,  because  the 


89 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

owner  of  this  pond  could  not  get  along  without 
me."  But  a  pickerel,  that  knew  the  standing 
of  the  carp  in  the  community  in  which  it  resided, 
remarked  as  it  swam  by:  "My  fat-bellied  friend, 
if  you  were  aware  of  your  standing  in  this  com- 
munity, you  would  know  that  you  are  left  alone 
because  nobody  figures  that  you  are  worth  kill- 
ing." 

MORAL. — Many  people  think  themselves  popu- 
lar, when  as  a  matter  of  fact  they  are  not 
attacked  because  nobody  considers  them  worth 
paying  attention  to. 


Camage^orse  and  tjje 

A  HANDSOME,  light-built  carriage-horse,  who 
was  kept  well  groomed  and  who  never  did  any 
heavier  work  than  pull  a  light  buggy  on  a  g°°d 
road,  was  guying  a  patient,  muckle-dun  mule, 
saying  that  if  he  had  no  more  style  about  his 
movement  than  a  mule,  he  would  hunt  up  a  horse- 
pond  and  drown  himself.  "I  will  admit,"  retorted 
the  mule,  "that  you  are  a  daisy  in  appearance,  but 


I  have  also  noticed  that  when  the  man  who  runs 
this  ranch  gets  in  a  tight  place  with  a  load  he 
calls  on  me,  but  he  never  thinks  of  you." 

MORAL. — Those  who  make  a  deal  of  show  on 
dress  parade  are  of  mighty  little  use  in  a  pinch. 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

$®SLTI  toitl)  t&e  Cfjtomatic 

A  MAN  who  loved  to  fill  his  interior  with  the 
vintage  of  '49,  and  also  with  the  vintages  of  later 
dates,  was  complaining  of  the  hardness  of  the 
times  and  the  unpainted  and  tumble-down  appear- 
ance of  his  house.  And  the  man.'s  horse,  who  had 
stood  out  many  a  night  unblanketed  and  unfed, 
while  his  master  gathered  in  a  jag,  hearing 
the  complaints,  said :  "If  that  master  of  mine 
had  spent  as  much  money  painting  his  house  as 
he  has  in  frescoing  that  nose  of  his,  he  might  have 
it  looking  like  a  picture  gallery  inside  and  out 
long  before  this." 


(Cagl*  anto  t&e  £QttamImff 

Two  DOGS,  who  had  a  difference  of  opinion 
about  some  trifling  matter,  called  in  an  eagle  to 
act  as  referee.  The  eagle  (who  was  hungry  for 
fresh  meat  anyway)  eagerly  assented,  and  encour- 
aged the  dogs  to  fight  it  out  to  a  finish  in  order 
to  show  their  prowess  and  indomitable  courage. 
The  dogs,  egged  on  by  the  words  of  the  eagle, 


92 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

fought  until  one  of  them  was  dead  and  the  other 
so  near  it  that  he  was  helpless.  Then  the  eagle, 
who  had  encouraged  the  fight  and  urged  the 
dogs  to  hang  on,  turned  in  on  the  dead  dog  and 
filled  itself  with  fresh  dog-flesh.  And  a  coyote 
standing  near,  who  had  seen  the  battle^  said 
softly,  as  he  licked  his  chops  and  waited  for 
a  chance  to  get  in  on  the  feast  himself :  "Neither 
of  those  fool  dogs  could  see  that  the  eagle  was 
encouraging  their  quarrel  because  it  wanted 
meat." 

MORAL.: — The  individual  who  is  continually 
trying  to  stir  up  a  fuss  between  other  people, 
does  so  because  he  thinks  there  is  something  in 
it  for  him. 


SDteadtmntagejS  ot 

A  TRAMP,  meeting  a  citizen  on  the  highway, 
asked  him  for  a  donation,  on  the  ground  that  he 
was  a  cripple,  one  of  his  legs  being  several  inches 
shorter  than  the  other.  The  citizen  was  interested 
in  the  case,  and  began  to  make  inquiries:  "Were 
you  born  that  way,  my  poor  fellow,  or  did  that 


93 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

short  limb  shrink  up  after  you  wore  grown?" 
"Neither  one,"  answered  the  tramp.  "My  short 
limb  is  not  the  trouble.  It  is  the  other  leg  that 
compels  me  to  ask  your  charity.  I  was  once  A 
happy  and  prosperous  man,  with  two  as  good  legs 
as  there  were  in  this  neck  of  woods.  I  was  fool 
enough  to  mix  in  politics.  I  ran  for  office  and 
was  in  the  hands  of  my  friends.  You  see  what 
my  friends  did  to  that  leg.  When  the  campaign 
opened  it  was  an  eighth  of  an  inch  shorter  than 
the  other  one.  Xow  it  exceeds  the  other  in  length 
by  fifteen  inches. — If  you  have  ten  cents  about 
your  person,  loan  it  to  me,  that  I  may  go  drown 
my  sorrow." 

MORAL. — The  wise  man  will  steer  clear  of 
politics  unless  he  has  a  tolerably  sure  thing  and 
is  able  to  go  away  on  a  visit  during  the  cam- 
paign. 


flflloo&pfcket  and  t&e  flflltee 

A  CUKIOUS  woodpecker,  noticing  the  glass  in- 
sulator on  a  telegraph  pole,  commenced  pecking 
at  it  to  find  out  what  was-  inside.  He  stayed  with 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


the  job  for  some  time,  pecking  with  great  vigor, 
but  only  succeeded  in  breaking  his  bill  without 
having  any  effect  on  the  insulator.  Finally  a 
wise  old  bird,  who  had  been  in  the  city  many  times 
before,  seeing  what  the  young  woodpecker  was 
trying  to  do,  called  to  him,  saying:  "My  red- 
headed young  friend,  if  you  will  have  sense  enough 
hereafter  to  ask  a  few  questions  before  you  tackle 
something  you  know  nothing  about,  you  may  not 
be  out  quite  so  much  for  repairs  on  that  bill  of 
yours." 


^etogpaper  Eiar  to!)o  toag  feafceto. 

• 

A  MAN  who  had  been  a  reporter  on  a  yellow 
journal  was  taken  sick,  and  finally  appeared  to 
be  dead.  But  though  to  all  appearances  he  had 
passed  over  into  the  uncertain  hence,  his  friends 
refused  to  bury  him.  On  the  third  day  after  the 
reporter  was  supposed  to  have  passed  from  earth, 
an  acquaintance  dropped  in  and  spoke  to  the  man 
in  charge  of  the  remains,  saying:  "Why  do  you 
not  bury  this  man  ?  He  is  as  dead  as  he  will  ever 
get,  and  should  be  put  away."  But  the  man  in 


96 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

charge  shook  his  nead,  and  answered:  "He  acts 
as  if  he  were  dead,  and  appearances  are  that  way ; 
but  I  have  known  him  for  ten  years,  and  he  has 
always  been  such  a  liar  that  I  won't  believe  he  is 
dead  until  I  get  a  certificate  from  the  doorkeeper 
of  Hades  stating  that  he  has  arrived  and  regis- 
tered." And  the  next  day  the  reporter  awoke 
from  a  trance,  and  after  thanking  his  friends  for 
not  burying  him  alive,  he  arose  and  went  out  to 
write  a  story  about  a  political  conspiracy. 

MORAL. — There   seem   to   be   some    advantages 
in  being  a  liar,  after  all. 


A  PAIR  of  'possums  were  strolling  through  the 
wood,  when  they  saw  a  citizen  of  African  descent 
approaching.  Then  one  of  the  animals,  who  was 
not  an  experienced  judge  of  human  nature,  sug- 
gested to  his  companion  that  they  play  "dead'' 
until  the  African  citizen  had  gone  by.  "Not  on 
your  life!"  said  the  other,  who  had  been  a  close 
observer  of  things  for  some  time;  "this  playing- 


97 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

dead  racket  might  work  on  a  white  man,  but 
if  you  undertake  to  play  dead  with  a  man  who 
has  the  lip  and  complexion  of  the  fellow  coming 
yonder,  you  will  be  a  dead  'possum  sure  enough, 
inside  of  fifteen  minutes.  The  only  show  for  us 
is  to  get  out  of  this  neighborhood  before  he  gets 
his  eye  on  us." 

MORAL. — It  is  a  good  idea  to  size  up  an  indi- 
vidual carefully  before  YOU  undertake  to  work  him. 


and  tijr  Oouor-Ciit. 

A  MEPHITIS,  desiring  to  get  into  society,  sent 
an  invitation  to  a  large  and  handsome  house-cat 
to  attend  a  banquet  to  be  given  at  the  home  of  the 
former.  The  cat,  however,  firmly  but  respectfully 
declined  the  invitation,  saying:  "You  look  re- 
spectable enough,  and  I  have  no  doubt  the  feed 
will  be  up  to  date,  but  I  have  observed  that  no- 
body can  associate  with  you  and  not  smell  bad  for 
weeks  after." 

MORAL. — You  can't  be  too  careful  about  your 
associates. 


98 


Cmapin. 

A  LAJN'D  terrapin  persisted  in  crawling  along 
in  the  public  highway,  until  finally  a  loaded 
wagon  came  along,  and  the  terrapin,  not  being 
swift  enough  to  get  out  of  the  way,  was  run 
over  and  crushed.  A  little  while  after,  a  wise 
fox,  happening  along  that  way,  saw  the  re- 
mains of  the  turtle  lying  in  the  road,  and  said: 
"Another  case  of  a  fool  who  tried  to  get  into  the 
procession  when  he  ought  to  have  known  that 
with  his  movement  he  should  have  stayed  out  on 
one  side  and  watched  it  go  by." 

MORAL. — The  individual  who  isn't  swift  enough 
to  keep  up  with  the  procession  had  better  not 
undertake  it.  He  will  surely  get  run  over. 


99 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


plodding 

AMONG  a  herd  of  swine  was  one  that  was  slow 
and  plodding.  And  when  the  farmer-man  who 
owned  the  hogs  came  out  to  give  them  their  fe-id 
of  corn,  he  threw  a  good  bunch  of  ears  out  first 
and  then  started  to  scatter  the  remainder  along 
on  the  ground.  And  the  herd,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  the  slow  and  plodding  hog,  ran  after  the 
farmer-man,  thinking  that  he  was  holding  back 
the  best,  but  the  plodding  hog  settled  himself  down 
to  work  and  filled  up  on  the  big  yellow  ears  that 
had  been  thrown  out  first.  After  the  other  hogs 
had  quarreled  and  fought  over  the  few  scattering 
ears  that  the  farmer  had  left  in  the  basket,  they 
came  back  to  the  first  bunch  of  ears  with  their 
hunger  unsatisfied,  and  found  that  the  plodding 
hog  had  pretty  well  cleaned  up  the  lot.  Then, 
as  the  slow  and  plodding  hog,  whose  hunger  was 
satisfied,  stood  back  and  watched  the  others  pick 
over  what  he  had  left,  he  gave  a  satisfied  grunt, 
and  said:  "My  fellow-rooters,  this  ought  to  dem- 
onstrate to  you  that  it  doesn't  pay  to  leave  a  sure 
thing  to  run  after  a  mere  prospect." 


100 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

SDoff  and  t&e  25umblebee. 

AN  exceedingly  fat  and  indolent  dog  was  one 
day  strolling  through  a  field,  when  a  bumblebee, 
whose  home  had  been  disturbed  by  some  mischiev- 
ous boys,  seeing  the  dog,  made  a  dive  for  him  and 
socked  its  stinger  into  an  exposed  part  of  the  dog's 
person.  The  startled  canine  gave  a  howl  of  pain 
and  lit  out  at  a  rate  that  would  have  made  a  grey- 
hound envious.  Then  a  jack-rabbit  who  wit- 
nessed the  astonishing  burst  of  speed,  said:  "If 
that  dog  would  only  get  a  move  on  him  like 
that  when  he  is  hunting  rabbits,  I  would  proceed 
to  move  out  of  this  neighborhood." 

MORAL. — There  are  a  lot  of  people  in  the  world 
who  could  accomplish  a  great  deal  more  if  they 
were  only  forced  to  get  a  move  on  themselves. 


and  tfie  SDonfetp. 

A  HORSE  and  a  donkey  that  were  traveling  to- 
gether got  lost  in  a  desert  place,  and  were  without 
food  until  they  were  both  as  empty  as  the  promises 


101 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

of  a  fusion  politician.  Finally  they  came  to  a 
place  where  there  grew  a  number  of  cactus  plants 
and  thistles.  Then  the  donkey  gave  a  bray  of 
satisfaction  and  began  to  fill  up  on  the  vegeta- 
tion at  hand,  but  the  proud  horse,  who  couldn't 
go  that  sort  of  provender,  railed  at  the  donkey, 
saying :  "What  an  inferior  and  contemptible  brute 
you  are,  to  consent  to  eat  that  sort  of  stuff!" 
But  the  donkey  placidly  remarked,  as  he  nipped 
off  the  leaf  of  a  cactus :  "You  may  be  right  about 
my  general  appearance,  my  young  fellow,  but  it 
occurs  to  me  just  now  that  it  is  a  good  sight 
better  to  have  my  capacity  to  adapt  myself  to 
circumstances,  than  to  have  your  shape  and  pedi- 
gree." 


CClisr  Clrpljam. 

A  CIKCUS  elephant  who  was  onto  his  job,  was 
filling  himself  with  peanuts  furnished  by  a  crowd 
of  spectators,  who  amused  themselves  by  laughing 
at  his  movements  and  ridiculing  him  on  account 
of  his  awkwardness  and  lack  of  beauty.  Then 
a  giraffe  called  the  attention  of  the  elephant  to 


103 


103 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

the  flippant  remarks  of  the  crowd,  and  the  fact 
that  they  were  laughing  at  him,  asking  at  the 
same  time  why  he  did  not  resent  it.  "Let  'em 
laugh  and  be  blowed,"  said  the  elephant  as  he 
stowed  away  another  handful  of  peanuts.  "As 
long  as  they  keep  putting  up  the  peanuts  it  is 
immaterial  to  me  what  they  say  about  my  personal 
appearance." 

MORAL. — Just  attend  to  business,  and  do  not 
mind  what  people  may  say  about  your  looks. 


(Unfortunate 

A  NUMBER  of  cattle  were  feeding  at  a  rack, 
when  one  of  the  very  strongest  happened  to  get  his 
head  fast  between  the  rungs  and  was  unable  to  get 
loose.  As  soon  as  this  fact  was  ascertained,  every 
runty  steer  in  the  lot  came  up  and  began  to  gore 
the  one  who  was  fast.  After. they  had  gored  him 
to  their  full  satisfaction  they  went  away  and  con- 
gratulated one  another  on  the  manner  in  which 
they  had  done  up  the  big  steer.  Then  an  animal 
in  another  field  close  by,  that  had  watched  the  per- 


104 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

fonnance  across  the  fence,  said:  "It  is  well  for 
you  runts  to  do  jour  boasting  now,  but  when  that 
steer  gets  loose  each  one  of  you  will  swear  that  you 
were  his  friend.'' 

MORAL. — The  mean  and  contemptible  individ- 
ual fawns  on  the  powerful  in  order  to  curry  favor, 
but  as  soon  as  the  powerful  friend  is  in  trouble  the 
fawner  is  readv  to  turn  and  rend  him. 


S$an  and  t&e  full  l&ipe 

A  MAX  who  had  never  had  an  ache  or  a  pain 
was  lecturing  his  fellow-travelers  through  this 
vale  of  tears  on  the  uselessness  of  worry  and 
the  wrong  of  ill-temper.  A  month  after  that, 
a  large-  carmine-complexioned  boil  located  on  the 
back  of  that  man's  neck.  And  one  day,  when  the 
boil  was  at  high  tide,  the  man  was  riding  in  a  car, 
when  a  careless  boy,  clambering  around  over  the 
seat  behind,  hit  the  ripening  boil  a  jolt  that  made 
the  man  who  was  carrying  it  feel  as  if  he  had 
been  struck  with  a  lyddite  shell.  Then  the  man 
turned  and  reached  for  that  boy  with  great  vigor, 


105 


TOM   McNEAI/S   FABLES 

and  spoke  words  to  him  that  would  not  be  proper 
to  repeat  in  a  Christian  Endeavor  meeting.  And 
one  of  the  travelers  who  had  heard  the  man  lecture 
on  the  wrong-fulness  of  ill-temper  remarked  in  a 
voice  so  low  that  the  man  with  the  boil  could  not 
hear:  "A  full  ripe  boil  seems  to  knock  out  a 
theory." 

MORAL. — It  is  mighty  easy  to  be  good  when 
there  isn't  a  thins;  the  matter  with  you. 


and  ttje  Coin  Ctatl. 

A  FOOLISH  young  dog  went  out  hunting  with 
his  mother,  and  soon  discovered  a  hollow  log  where 
a  rabbit  had  rested  the  day  l>efore.  Then. the 
young  dog  rushed  at  the  hollow  log  and  began  :i 
furious  barking,  until  his  mother  came  up,  and 
after  one  sniff  said:  "My  son,  you  will  never  cut 
any  ice  as  a  hunter  if  you  waste  your  time  backing 
at  the  place  where  the  rabbit  stayed  yesterday." 

MORAL. — The  chump  who  spends  his  time  look- 
ing up  cold  trails  will  never  accomplish  any  thing- 
worth  speaking  of  in  life. 


106 


feporttbe  Kam. 

A  FARMER,  who  was  a  lover  of  nature,  and  also 
a  keeper  of  sheep,  was  walking  through  a  pasture- 
lot  and  stooped  down  to  pluck  a  tender  flower. 
And  as  the  agriculturist  stooped  to  cull  the  blos- 
som, a  large  and  vigorous  ram,  allured  by  the 
prospect,  took  a  running  shoot,  and  hitting  the 
farmer  near  the  base  of  the  spine  turned  him 
a  summersault  and  also  propelled  him  about  two 
rods  through  the  atmosphere.  For  an  hour  or 
two  after  that  the  ram  had  considerable  fun  talk- 
ing the  thing  over  with  the  crowd  of  sheep,  and 
describing  the  manner  in  which  he  had  knocked 
out  the  agriculturist.  But  on  the  following  day 
the  farmer  returned  with  a  gun,  and  killed  the 
ram  and  dressed  him  and  sold  his  carcass  to  the 
uninformed  for  lamb  chops.  And  as  one  of  the 
ram's  companions  saw  the  farmer  carrying  away 


107 


TOM  McXEAL'S   FABLES 

the  remains  of  her  former  consort,  she  said  to  an 
alecky  lamb  that  was  taking  some  gymnastic  exer- 
cises near  by:  "My  son,  I  observe  that  you  show 
a  disposition  to  be  unduly  gay.  Take  warning 
from  the  fate  of  your  father,  and  remember  that 
there  is  such  a  thing  as  carrying  a  joke  too  far." 


&timtilit  Cook. 

A  WOMAN  who  was  a  member  of  a  prominent 
cooking-club  persuaded  her  husband  to  purchase 
a  dog  as  a  house-guard.  The  third  day  after  the 
dog  had  been  taken  home  by  the  woman's  husband, 
it  was  seen  hiking  out  across  the  country  on  a  keen 
lope,  and  it  had  the  look  of  a  dog  that  was  not  fig- 
uring on  returning.  An  old  acquaintance,  meet- 
ing the  traveler,  hailed  him,  and  asked  why  he  was 
leaving  that  comfortable  home  to  take  his  chances 
in  a  cruel  world.  "Isn't  the  lady  of  the  house 
agreeable?"  asked  the  friend.  "Agreeable 
enough,"  replied  the  dog  who  was  emigrating, 
as  he  headed  for  a  bone  by  the  roadside,  "but 
she  insists  on  feeding  me  on  her  scientifically 


108 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


constructed  biscuit,  and  my  stomach  simply  won't 
stand  the  strain." 


Slpafceg  t&e  Sbillttmte. 


A  KANSAS  farmer  was  the  father  of  a  daughter 
who  was  remarkably  plain  in  appearance.  Her 
feet  did  not  seem  to  track  exactly  as  she  walked, 
and  her  breath  was  strong  enough  to  bale  hay  with. 
Xone  of  the  youth  in  that  section  seemed  to  take 
to  the  farmer's  daughter  —  and  the  years  were  roll- 
ing on.  Then  things  began  to  come  the  farmer's 
.way.  He  sold  forty  thousand  bushels  of  wheat  for 
a  dollar  a  bushel,  and  during  the  years  of  Repub- 
lican prosperity  sold  several  bunches  of  cattle, 
receiving  therefor  rolls  of  money  as  thick  as  the 
leg  of  a  Xorman  horse.  And  when  it  became 
known  that  the  farmer  had  bought  another  section 
of  good  bottom  land  and  likewise  had  a  large  wad 
of  money  in  the  bank,  suitors  came  about,  seeking 
the  hand  of  his  daughter.  Then  the  old  farmer, 
who  was  no  bug-eater,  even  if  he  did  allow  the 
hair  to  grow  long  on  the  back  of  his  neck,  com- 


109 


TOM    McNEAL'S   FABLES 


inuned  with  himself,  saying:  "I  observe  that  cash 
not  only  perfumes  the  breath,  but  seems  to  cure 
all  defects  of  form  and  complexion." 


Colt. 

A  COLT  that  had  roughed  it  through  the  winter 
and  was  still  covered  with  an  enormous  coat  of 
hair,  was  feeling  itchy  and  uncomfortable,  and 
while  in  this  condition  he  happened  to  hear  a 
long-haired  man,  who  was  standing  on  the  corner, 
complaining  of  the  government,  the  times,  the 
conditions  of  society,  the  administration  at  Wash- 
ington, and  asserting  that  the  country  was  on  the 
verge  of  several  varieties  of  ruin.  After  the  colt 
had  listened  to  the  harangue  for  some  time,  it  said : 
as  it  leaned  up  against  a  fence-post  to  scratch: 
''That  man  and  I  will  both  feel  a  heap  better 
after  we  shed  our  hair." 


£>tomac[)  tfjat  Ktbdled. 

A  MAN  who  was  a  lover  of  rich  grub  was  in  the 
habit  of  stuffing  himself  three  times  a  day,  while 


no 


Ill 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

at  the  same  time  lie  was  too  indolent  to  take  any 
exercise.  Finally  the  man's  stomach  called  the 
brain  up  by  telephone  and  said:  "Hello,  there, 
you  notify  this  dod-gasted  fool  who  owns  me, 
that  unless  he  works  those  legs  of  his  a  great  deal 
more  and  me  a  great  deal  less,  he  will  find  a 
strike  organized  in  his  system  that  will  make  him 
think  Hades  has  broken  loose." 

MOKAL. — Usually  a  man's  stomach  gives  him 
fair  Avarning,  but  usually  he  hasn't  sense  enough 
to  listen. 


2Droto0j>  Boy. 

A  YOUTH  who  loved  repose  was  called  repeat- 
edly by  his  paternal  ancestor  to  arise  and  go 
out  and  feed  the  horses;  but  the  youth  slept  on. 
Finally  the  old  man  gathered  a  trunk-strap  in 
his  strong  right  hand,  and  without  saying  a  word 
started  up  the  stairway.  But  before  his  heavy 
boot  had  struck  the  third  step  the  youth  bounded 
out  of  his  couch  and  began  to  put  on  his  garments. 
Then  a  wise  parrot,  whose  cage  was  hanging  in 
the  room,  observing  the  movement  of  the  boy, 


112 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

said  in  a  musing  way:  "The  sound  of  the  old 
man's  boot  on  the  stair  isn't  near  so  loud  as  his 
first  call,  but  it  appears  to  be  a  sight  more  pene- 
trating." 

MORAL. — It  isn't  the  volume  of  sound  that  a 
man  may  make  that  counts.  It  depends  on 
whether  or  not  the  sound  means  business. 


^Buarrpman  and  t&e 

A  CAREFUL  man,  who  was  running  a  stone 
quarry,  found  among  the  rocks  one  winter  day 
a  den  of  rattlesnakes.  Xot  a  snake  showed  any 
signs  of  life,  but  the  man  proceeded  carefully  to 
cut  the  ends  off  every  snake.  "Why  do  you  do 
that?"  asked  a  bystander.  "Those  snakes  seem 
to  be  dead  already."  "It  rnay  be  they  are,"  said 
the  careful  man,  "but  I  always  feel  a  lot  safer 
around  a  dead  snake  when  I  know  that  he  hasn't 
any  head  to  bite  with." 

MORAL. — While  you  are  doing  up  a  bad  thing, 
it  is  good  sense  to  do  it  up  so  that  there  will  be 
no  question  about  it  staying  done. 


113 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


jFable  fe&otomo;  t&e  lvalue  of 

A  MAN,  the  bridge  of  whose  nose  had  been 
broken  down  at  some  time  in  the  past,  was  one 
day  asked  by  his  curious  son:  "Father,  what  is 
the  trouble  with  that  nose  of  yours  ?"  "My  son," 
answered  the  man,  with  a  far-away  look,  "that 
nose  is  the  result  of  an  unwise  thirst  for  knowl- 
edge. When  it  was  younger  and  less  experienced 
than  it  is  now  it  undertook  to  stick  itself  into  an- 
other man's  business.  It  has  never  been  so  hand- 
some or  so  ambitious  since  that  time." 


Mmocetogf  and  t&*  S^ogfquttoeg. 

A  BHINOCEEOS,  who  was  traveling  through  In- 
diana in  connection  with  an  aggregation  of  wild 
beasts  and  other  living  wonders,  was  resting  in 
his  cage  after  the  heat  and  burdens  of  the  day, 
when  a  flock  of  mosquitoes  from  the  Wabash  bot- 
toms flew  that  way,  looking  for  business  and 
amusement  combined.  And  the  leader  of  the 
flock,  who  carried  a  bill  as  long  as  the  tine  of  a 


114 


115 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES  , 

carving-fork,  seeing  the  rhinoceros,  said  to  its 
companions :  "We  will  just  light  down  on  this  lub- 
berly beast  and  give  him  a  taste  of  high  life  on 
the  Wabash."  The  rhinoceros  said  not  a  word, 
but  smiled  as  he  used  to  smile  in  his  native 
jungle  when  he  saw  a  good  thing  in  prospect,  and 
rubbed  his  nose  horn  on  the  side  of  the  cage  as 
the  mosquitoes  tackled  him.  And  when  they  had 
finally  given  up  the  thing  as  a  bad  job  and  flown 
away  each  with  a  broken  bill,  the  beast  gave  a 
grunt  of  satisfaction  and  remarked:  "I  Avonder 
if  there  are  any  more  chumps  around  here  who 
would  like  to  go  up  against  this  hide  of  mine  ?  If 
there  are  any  others  who  would  like  to  have  some 
fun  with  me,  I  am  open  for  engagements.'' 

MOKAL. —  The     thick-skinned     individual     has 
considerable   advantage    in    this   world. 


Boj?  auto  tije  C5un. 

A  BOY  became  the  owner  of  a  new  gun,  of 
which  he  was  very  proud.  One  day  he  was  show- 
ing the  gun  to  a  one-eyed  man,  and  started  to 


116 


TOM  MoNEAL'S   FABLES 

look  into  the  muzzle  to  see  if  the  barrel  was; 
clean,  but  the  man  with  the  single  optic  restrained 
him,  saying :  "My  boy,  3-011  think  that  gun  is  un- 
loaded, and  that  it  is  perfectly  safe  to  look  into 
the  muzzle  end.  I  used  to  cherish  such  an  opinion 
myself.  If  I  hadn't  been  so  sure,  this  off  eye 
would  have  been  the  real  thing  instead  of  glass."' 

MOKAL. — It  is  always  safe  to  keep  at  the  back 
end  of  a  gun,  whether  it  is  loaded  or  not. 


Uijcrr  are  iDratobacks  to  all  Conditions. 

A  BOY  wrho  was  suffering  from  a  severe  attack 
of  spring  fever,  but  who  was  compelled,  in  spite 
of  his  indisposition,  to  go  out  and  hoe  in  the  gar- 
den, saw  a  large  fat  dog  lying  on  the  porch,  sleep- 
ing in  the  sunshine.'  " Would  that  ^  were  a  dog," 
said  the  boy  as  he  wearily  leaned  on  his  hoe-handle ; 
"I  would  have  nothing  to  do  then  but  eat  and 
sleep."  Just  then  the  lady  of  the  house  came  to 
the  door,  and  seeing  the  dog  lying  on  the  porch, 
which  she  had  lately  scrubbed,  she  was  overcome 
with  indignation,  and  going  into  the  kitchen  got  a 


117 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

cup  of  hot  water  which  she  threw  on  the  sleeping- 
dog,  who  waked  up  and  ran  away  with  a  howl  of 
pain.  "I  guess,  maybe,"  said  the  boy,  thought- 
fully, as  he  commenced  to  slowly  work  his  hoe 
again,  "that  I  am  not  so  blamed  anxious  to  be 
a  dog  after  all." 

MORAL. — All  conditions  of  life  have  their  draw- 
backs. 

Wbt  Eusljer  and  ttje  (Btraffe. 

A  LTSIIKR  who  was  visiting  a  show  l>ecame 
much  interested  in  the  giraffe,  so  that  he  could 
hardly  be  persuaded  to  leave  the  cage.  Finally, 
when  he  was  compelled  to  go,  he  turned  with 
a  long  and  thirsty  look  toward  the  animal  and 
said:  "Would  that  I  had  a  neck  like  yours,  so 
that  I  could  taste  a  fifteen-cent  drink  for  six  feet. 
Life  would  begin  to  be  worth  living." 


^ppocijondriac  and  t&e  Bop. 

A    HYPOCHONDRIAC,    who    was    always    com- 
plaining about  the  condition  of  his  health,  asserted 


118 


119 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

that  whenever  he  sat  down  he  felt  as  if  he  would 
never  be  able  to  rise  again.  And  a  boy,  hearing 
the  man's  dolorous  speech,  deftly  bent  a  long 
sharp-pointed  pin  and  placed  it  on  the  chair  in 
which  the  man  was  about  to  seat  himself.  When 
the  man  sat  down,  something  over  a  half-inch  of 
that  pin  was  inserted  in  his  person,  and  with 
amazing  alacrity  he  bounded  into  the  atmosphere, 
at  the  same  time  letting  out  a  yell  that  might  have 
been  heard  a  block  away.  "I  observe,"  said  the 
boy,  as  he  rapidly  slid  around  the  corner  and  out 
of  sight,  "that  he  doesn't  get  up  like  a  man  who 
is  so  allfired  sick,  after  all." 

MORAL. — All  that  many  a  grumbler  needs  is 
something  to  stir  him  up. 


fec&ool^op  ann  t&e  9£u0culat 
3n0ttuctor. 

AN  indolent  school-boy  incurred  the  displeasure 
of  his  preceptor,  who  gave  him  a  severe  lecture  on 
his  shortcomings.  The  boy,  feeling  aggrieved, 
told  a  companion,  who  advised  him  to  give  the 


120 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

school  teacher  a  piece  of  his  mind.  "But,"  said 
the  boy,  doubtfully,  "if  I  express  my  real  senti- 
ments on  this  subject  he  will  warm  me  up  so  that 
I  will  ache  for  a  week."  "Xo  danger,"  said  the 
companion.  "He  gave  me  the  same  kind  of  a  talk- 
ing-to  that  he  did  you,  and  I  said  right  out  what 
my  opinion  of  him  was,  and  he  never  touched  me." 
Encouraged  by  this  information,  the  indolent  boy 
repeated  his  offense  the  next  day,  and  the  teacher 
talked  to  him  more  severely  than  he  had  on  the 
previous  day.  Then  the  boy,  remembering  what 
his  companion  had  told  him  of  his  experience, 

0 

turned  loose  on  the  teacher  and  told  him  that  he 
was  the  meanest  man  who  had  ever  undertaken  to 
run  a  school.  Instead,  however,  of  weakening,  as 
the  boy  had  expected,  the  teacher,  who  was  a  mus- 
cular man,  took  the  boy  and  bent  him  across  his 
knee,  and  for  a  few  moments  the  unfortunate 
youth  howled  a  staccato  accompaniment  to  the 
sound  of  a  paddle  laid  on  where  it  would  do  the 
most  good.  The  next  day,  while  the  indolent  boy 
was  still  feeling  sore  and  sad,  he  met  the  com- 
panion on  account  of  whose  advice  he  had  gotten 
into  trouble,  and  said  to  him :  "Why  did  you  lie  to 


121 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


me,  and  tell  me  that  the  teacher  didn't  say  a  word 
back  when  you  cussed  him  the  other  day?"  "It 
was  no  lie,"  replied  the  other  boy,  as  he  winked 
his  other  eye.  "I  said  just  what  I  told  you  I  said, 
and  he  never  said  a  word  back  to  me, — but  I  forgot 
to  tell  you  at  the  time  that  he  was  two  miles  away, 
and  might  not  have  heard  what  I  said." 

MORAL. — There  are  a  good  many  people  who 
are  mighty  brave  when  there  is  no  danger. 


/Ci)r  Coj'otr  and  tljr  cHatrfj=Do(j. 

A  COYOTE  who  looked  as  if  he  might  have  seen 
better  days,  applied  to  a  watch-dog  for  the  job  of 
guarding  a  hen-roost.  But  the  dog,  who  was  per- 
sonally acquainted  with  the  coyote,  turned  down 
the  application  of  the  coyote,  saying:  "Why,  you 
are  the  most  notorious  chicken-thief  that  ever 
struck  the  State !" 

"I  will  admit,"  said  the  coyote,  "that  my  for- 
mer record  was  somewhat  shady,  but  I  have  re- 
pented, and  am  now  one  of  the  howlingest  reform- 
ers you  ever  struck." 


122 


123 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 


"Your  talk  would  go  considerably  farther  with 
me,"  answered  the  mastiff,  "if  I  didn't  happen 
to  know  that  you  didn't  commence  to  reform  as 
long  as  there  was  a  hen-roost  in  your  neighbor- 
hood that  wasn't  guarded.  You  may  pass  yourself 
off  as  a  genuine  reformer  to  some  stranger,  but  if 
you  stay  around  here  T  will  make  you  think  be- 
fore I  get  through  with  you  that  it  would  have 
been  more  than  four  dollars  in  your  pocket  if 
you  had  never  been  born." 


and  t&e 

AN  itinerant  preacher,  who  had  just  delivered 
a  fervent  discourse  on  the  beauties  and  joys  of 
Heaven,  started  to  walk  a  few  miles  to  fill  another 
appointment.  As  he  was  traveling  along  the  road, 
a  man  in  a  wagon  overtook  him  and  asked  him  to 
ride.  The  minister  climbed  up  on  the  seat  with 
the  driver  and  began  to  discourse  on  the  beauty  of 
the  future  life  and  the  desirability  of  a  residence 
in  the  ISTew  Jerusalem.  The  driver  seemed  in- 
terested to  such  an  extent  that  he  neglected  his 


124 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

horses,  and  allowed  the  wagon-wheel  to  strike  a 
stone.  For  a  moment  he  looked  alarmed,  and 
then,  turning  to  the  minister,  said:  "I  am  glad 
you  are  anxious  for  Heaven;  we  came  mighty 
near  going  there  just  then."  "How  is  that?" 
said  the  minister  in  some  alarm.  "Well,  this 
wagon  is  loaded  with  dynamite,  and  another  jolt 
like  that  would  blow  this  whole  outfit,  into  the 
kingdom  come."  "Let  me  out  and  I  will  walk," 
said  the  preacher,  as  the  sweat  started  on  his 
forehead.  "I  want  to  go  to  Heaven,  but  not  right 
now, — and  then  I  would  like  to  go  in  one  piece." 
"And  I  had  thought  from  the  way  that  man 
talked,"  said  the  driver,  as  "he  went  on  alone, 
"that  he  was  just  a-hungering  for  the  joys  of 
Heaven." 


SDoff  anto  t&e  ^ot 

A  DOG  that  had  acquired  a  great  appetite  for 
sweets  was  present  at  a  taffy-pulling,  and  seeing 
a  piece  of  wax  that  had  just  come  from  the  stove, 
hurriedly  snapped  it  up.  For  the  next  minute  he 
was  the  busiest  dog  in  that  part  of  the  country, 


125 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

trying  to  let  go  of  that  bit  of  taffy,  and  when  he 
finally  managed  to  get  most  of  it  clawed  out  of  his 
mouth  and  was  laving  his  jaws  at  the  water-trough, 
he  spoke  these  words  of  wisdom  to  his  fellow-dogs, 
who  Kad  seen  the  manner  in  which  he  had  cavorted : 
"Kemember,  my  fellow-canines,  that  it  is  fre- 
quently a  good  deal  easier  to  get  hold  of  what 
seems  to  be  a  good  thing  than  it  is  to  let  go." 

MORAL. — Read  this  fable  over  a  couple  of  times, 
before  you  rush  into  what  looks  like  a  good  specu- 
lation. 


Soutfi  and  tfie 

AN  alecky  youth  from  the  city,  while  visiting 
the  country  saw  a  beautiful  cone  hanging  from 
the  limb  of  a  tree,  and  said:  "I  will  take  this 
beautiful  work  of  nature  home  as  a  souvenir/' 
And  an  aged  farmer-man  who  was  sowing  turnip- 
seed  near  by  remarked:  "If  I  was  you,  young 
feller,  I  would  let  that  suvner  business  out." 
But  the  youth,  thinking  the  aged  man  was  a  jay, 
did  not  heed  his  words,  but  reached  up  and 
knocked  the  cone  from  the  tree  with  his  cane. 


126 


127 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

When  he  came  to,  the  aged  farmer-man,  who  was 
anointing  with  horse  liniment  the  places  where  the 
hornets  had  hit  him,  remarked  with  slow  but  dis- 
tinct speech :  "If  you  had  taken  my  advice,  young 
feller,  you  Avouldn't  have  had  so  much  practical 
experience,  but  you  would  have  looked  a  heap 
p.urtier." 


Ctmid  Coto. 

A  cow,  which  had  always  been  of  a  remarkably 
sweet  temper,  became  the  mother  of  a  red-complex- 
ioned  and  wabbly-limbed  calf,  of  which  she  was 
exceedingly  proud  and  which  she  guarded  with 
zealous  care.  One  day  a  dog,  wrho  had  been  in  the 
habit  of  driving  the  cow  where  he  pleased  and 
regarded  her  as  not  having  the  least  courage,  and 
as  being  the  easiest  mark  in  the  entire  herd,  seeing 
the  calf,  concluded  to  have  some  fun  with  it; 
but  to  the  astonishment  of  the  dog,  the  cow  made 
a  sudden  rush  and  tossed  him  something  over  a 
rod  into  the  atmosphere.  When  he  came  to  suffi- 
ciently to  recognize  things,  a  companion,  who  had 
seen  him  tossed  upward,  said :  "Well,  my  brindle 


128 


TOM  McXEAL'S   FABLES 

friend,  you  may  learn  from  this  circumstance  that 
a  cow  who  has  nothing  but  herself  to  look  after 
and  a  cow  with  an  offspring  to  care  for  are  two  en- 
tirely different  propositions." 

i 

MORAL. — The   timid   become  brave  in  defense 
of  their  own. 


Cramp  to&o  Bn&ergtood 

A  TRAMP,  who  in  his  earlier  and  more  pros- 
perous days  had  been  a  politician,  stopped  at  a 
house,  and  raising  his  battered  hat  to  the  woman 
who  came  to  the  door  with  a  deep  frown  on  her 
face,  said:  ''Madam,  I  am  a  hungry  wayfarer, 
but  I  do  not  come  here  to  ask  for  food  or  charity. 
I  noticed  this  house  as  I  was  passing,  and  said  to 
myself :  *I  can  tell  by  the  appearance  of  this  place 
that  it  is  presided  over  by  a  lady  w'ho  is  cultured 
in  mind,  neat  in  person,  and  an  excellent  cook.' 
1  could  not  resist  the  temptation  to  ask  if  I  might 
sit  here  for  a  few  minutes  and  rest,"  Then  the 
lady  said,  with  a  benevolent  smile:  "I  see,  poor 
man,  that  you  are  no  common  tramp."  She 
thereupon  brought  out  enough  pie,  cake  and  meat 


129 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

to  feed  a  strong  hired  man.  And  when  the  tramp 
had  filled  himself  to  the  limit  and  moved  off  down 
the  road  without  having  been  even  asked  to  chop 
a  stick  of  wood,  he  communed  with  himself,  say- 
ing: ''Verbal  glucose  is  cheap,  but  I  know  of 
nothing  that  yields  bigger  returns  on  the  invest- 
ment." 

MOKAL. — There  is  nothing  like  understanding 
human  nature. 


A  MAN  on  a  sleeping-car  was  snoring  at  a  rate 
that  made  the  windows  in  the  next  coach  ahead 
rattle.  The  other  passengers  made  a  roar,  and  de- 
manded that  the  man  either  let  up  or  leave  the 
car.  After  listening  to  their  protests  for  a  few 
minutes,  the  man  said:  "It  occurs  to  me  that 
your  roar  is  without  reason.  I  am  closer  to  that 
snore  than  any  man  in  this  car,  and  it  hasn't  dis- 
turbed me  a  particle." 

MOKAL. — Few  people  are  able  to  see  their  own 
faults. 


130 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


Bop  to&o  Eobed  a  iofee  not  mtetly  but 
fflfcH. 


A  LAD  who  had  taken  a  great  deal  of  interest 
in  a  lot  of  April-fool  jokes,  concluded  that  he 
could  have  fun  right  along  the  same  way  after 
April  1st.  He  therefore  arose  early  on  the  second 
day  of  April,  and  secretly  emptied  the  contents  of 
the  salt-cellar  into  the  sugar-bowl.  And  the  lad's 
paternal  ancestor,  not  expecting  the  April-fool 
business  to  be  carried  on  like  a  continued  story, 
dumped  two  spoonfuls  of  salt  from  the  sugar-bowl 
into  his  coffee.  Then  the  boy  laughed  a  gleeful 
laugh,  and  shouted  "April  fool  !"  at  his  parent. 
But  to  his  surprise,  his  parent  failed  to  see  the 
joke;  on  the  contrary,  he  turned  his  descendant 
across  his  knee  and  warmed  him  up  with  his 
strong  right  hand  until  the  boy  howled  so  that  he 
could  be  heard  over  -in  the  adjoining  township. 
When  the  old  man  finally  let  the  boy  up,  he  re- 
marked: "My  son,  you  will  remember  after  this, 
that  the  success  of  a  joke  depends  on  the  time 
and  place  in  which  it  is  sprung." 

.  —  There  is  nothing  more  liable  to  get 


131 


132 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


a  young  person  into  trouble  than  cuteness  with- 
out discretion. 


TO*  25op  toitf)  a  SDteableU  3ato, 

A  BOY  met  with  an  accident  which  so  disabled 
his  jaw  that  he  was  unable  to  use  it  without  suf- 
fering great  pain.  A  physician  was  called  in, 
and  after  a  careful  examination  he  pronounced 
the  injury  permanent,  and  told  the  boy's  father 
that,  while  the  jaw  would  probably  cease  to  pain 
the  boy,  he  would  never  be  able  to  make  much  use 
of  it.  "Happy  man  that  I  am!"  exclaimed  the 
father.  "If  that  boy  had  perfect  use  of  his  jaw 
he  might  turn  out  to  be  either  a  politician  or  a 
prize-fighter." 

MORAL. — There  are  mighty  few  things  you  can't 
get  some  comfort  out  of  if  you  only  try. 


TO*  €>lto  ^orstt  to&o  (Kot 

A  HORSE  that  had  made  a  great  record  for  in- 
telligent and  faithful  service,  was  persuaded  by 


133 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


a  giddy  young  filly  to  run  away,  kick  the  dash- 
board out  of  the  buggy  he  was  hitched  to,  spoil 
a  fifty-dollar  set  of  harness,  and  raise  thunder 
generally.  When  finally  the  jamboree  was  ended 
the  old  horse  was  brought  back  to  the  stable,  given 
a  good  licking  for  his  foolishness,  tied  up  in  the 
stall,  and  not  allowed  to  run  out  in  the  pasture; 
and  finally,  instead  of  being  allowed  to  haul  the 
light  family  carriage,  he  was  reduced  to  the  ranks 
and  compelled  to  pull  the  heavy  plow  through  the 
hot  summer  days,  his  owner  saying  by  way  of  ex- 
planation, that  he  proposed  to  take  some  of  the 
gayety  out  of  the  old  fool.  And  as  the  poor  horse 
toiled  on,  pulling  the  plow,  with  joints  stiff  and 
shoulders  sore,  he  said  sadly  to  himself:  "I  per- 
ceive that  one  fool  break  is  liable  to  ruin  a  repu- 
tation that  it  has  taken  several  years  to  build  up." 


jfo*. 

A  FOX,  seeing  a  fowl  tied  under  what  seemed 
to  be  a  box,  and  within  easy  reach,  sauntered  up 
and  made  a  close  examination.  After  sniffing 


134 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

about  for  some  time  the  fox  turned  and  trotted 
slowly  away.  On  the  road  away  from  the  box 
he  met  a  coon,  who  was  also  out  looking  for  chick- 
ens, and  who  had  seen  the  fowl  at  a  distance. 
"Why,"  asked  the  coon,  "did  you  let  that  soft 
snap  go  ?  Aren't  you  hungry  for  chicken  to-day  ?" 
"Hungry?"  answered  the  fox;  "well,  I  should  rise 
•o  ejaculate  that  I  am  hungry;  never  have  had 
a  better  appetite  and  less  to  satisfy  it  than  right 
now;  but  I  recollect  that  a  fool  friend  of  mine 
only  a  few  weeks  ago  went  after  a  soft  snap  just 
like  the  one  you  see  over  yonder,  and  yesterday 
I  happened  to  be  passing  the  house  of  the  man 
who  owns  this  neck  of  woods,  and  I  saw  the  hide 
of  my  friend  hanging  out  by  the  barn." 


to&m  ^e  toas  only 

A  AIAN  who  had  acquired  the  impression  that 
he  was  afflicted  with  several  serious  diseases,  was 
in  the  habit  of  dosing  himself  with  patent  medi- 
cines and  lying  in  bed  while  his  wife  supported 


135 


136 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

him  and  the  rest  of  the  family  by  taking  in  wash- 
ing. Finally  a  physician,  who  was  onto  the  situa- 
tion, remarked  to  the  wife :  "Madam,  if  you  will 
announce  to  that  husband  of  yours  that  you  hav? 
concluded  to  take  a  vacation  from  the  tub,  and 
that  he  will  have  to  either  hustle  for  a  living  or 
starve,  you  will  see  his  health  improve  faster  than 
any  man's  you  ever  saw." 

MOKAJ.. — There  are  plenty  of  people  who  im- 
agine they  are  sick,  when,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  it 
is  selfishness  and  laziness  that  ails  them. 


alligator  and  UK  "Coaas. 

Ax  alligator  lay  basking  in  the  sun  at  the  edge 
of  a  bayou,  with  his  mouth  open.  The  alligator 
appeared  to  be  asleep,  but  as  a  matter  of  'fact  he 
wasn't,  lie  had  a  plan.  By-and-by  a  bug  crawled 
in  between  the  alligator's  jaws,  partly  on  an  in- 
vestigating tour  and  partly  because  it  seemed  to 
be  a  cool,  shady  place.  Then  another  bug  fol- 
lowed the  first,  and  then  a  whole  family  of  bugs 
of  different,  breeds.  Then  a  troop  of  flies  wan- 


137 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

dered  in  and  settled  down,  on  the  tongue  of  the 
alligator.  After  the  flies  came  two  toads,  with  the 
idea  of  getting  in  their  work  on  the  flies.  Then 
came  more  bugs  and  more  flies  and  more  toads. 

But  while  these  various  insects  and  toads  were 
enjoying  the  cool  retreat  of  the  alligator's  mouth, 
there  was  one  wise  and  cautious  toad  who  con- 
tinued to  hop  about  on  the  outside,  gathering  up 
a  fly  here  and  there  as  it  could. 

"Come  inside  here/'  called  one  of  the  toads 
that  was  squatted  near  a  molar  of  the  alligator. 
"This  is  altogether  the  softest  snap  that  we  have 
struck  in  our  whole  lives." 

Just  then  the  alligator,  who  concluded  that  he 
had  a  mouthful,  suddenly  snapped  his  jaws  to- 
gether and  swallowed  all  the  fool  toads,  bugs  and 
flies  that  had  come  inside  the  opening  in  his  face. 

"I  have  noticed  all  my  life  long,"  said  the  wise 
toad,  as  he  hopped  away,  after  seeing  his  com- 
panions disappear,  '"that  the  fool  who  goes  up 
against  another  person's  game  will  get  the  worst 
of  it  in  the  end." 


138 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

^ounti  and  tfje 

A  HOUND,  who  had  a  long  slender  muzzle,  of 
which  he  was  exceedingly  proud,  met  a  stub-nosed 
bulldog,  and  began  to  make  sarcastic  remarks  in 
regard  to  the  smeller  and  jaw  of  the  latter.  "If 
L  had  that  nose  of  yours,"  said  the  hound,  "I 
would  have  something  put  on  it  to  draw  it  out 
into  a  decent  shape."  "In  regard  to  this  nose  of 
mine,"  retorted  the  bulldog,  as  an  expression  came 
into  his  eye  that  indicated  trouble,  "I  have  so  far 
found  that  it  was  long  enough  to  answer  all  the 
purposes  for  which  I  wish  to  use  it.  If  it  were 
longer,  I  might  have  trouble  in  keeping  it  out  of 
other  folks'  business." 


Jealous  peacock* 

A  PKOUD  peacock,  who  had  a  tail  of  rare  beauty, 
was  in  the  habit  of  posing  about  the  yard,  and  at- 
tracted considerable  attention  by  the  size  and 
brilliancy  of  his  narrative.  He  finally  came  to 
think  indeed  that  he  was  the  only  pebble  on  the 


139 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


beach.  One  day  he  noticed  that  the  mistress  of  the 
house,  and  in  fact  all  the  people  around  the  place, 
were  attracted  by  the  song  of  a  little  canary-bird 
hanging  in  a  cage  on  the  porch.  This  made  the 
peacock  warm  under  his  neck-feathers,  and  he'  gave 
his  tail  an  extra  flirt,  hoping  to  attract  the  at- 
tention of  the  people  away  from  the  little  bird; 
but  it  was  of  no  use,  as  the  canary  still  contin- 
ued to  hold  the  people  with  its  song.  Then  the 
exasperated  peacock  remarked  to  himself:  ''I 
don't  propose  to  be  outclassed  by  any  trifling  little 
snipe  of  a  canary-bird.  If  it  is  singing  you  want, 
I  will  tune  up  and  trill  a  few  notes  myself." 
But  when  the  peacock  opened  his  mouth  and  tried 
a  burst  of  song  he  made  such  an  infernal  noise 
that  the  man  of  the  house  set  a  large  brindle  dog 
on  him  and  drove  him  out  of  the  yard.  And  as 
the  dog  spat  out  a  mouthful  of  feathers  and  turned 
from  the  chase,  he  remarked :  "As  long  as  you  de- 
pended on  your  feathers  and  your  shape,  you  had 
a  fair  standing  in  society,  but  when  you  open  your 
mouth  you  get  your  foot  in  it." 

-MORAL. — If  you  have  worked  up  a  reputation 
on  your  shape  and  your  clothes,  don't  get  gay  and 


140 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


spoil  it  by  trying  to  display  accomplishments  you 
do  not  possess. 


A  MOSQUITO,  wishing  to  get  a  feed  from  the 
person  of  a  large  fat  man,  came  near  his  ear  and 
began  to  sing  a  mosquito  song  in  what  it  considered 
a  sweet  and  seductive  manner.  But  the  man,  in- 
stead of  being  charmed,  as  that  bird  had  expected, 
slapped  at  it  vigorously,  saying  that  he  would 
think  a  blamed  sight  more  of  the  moscfuito  if  it 
would  come  up  and  feed  on  him  without  trying 
to  make  him  believe  that  it  had  just  come  around 
to  give  him  a  friendly  serenade,  when  as  a  matter 
of  fact  its  only  object  was  to  bleed  him. 


A  FLY  that  was  discontented  with  its  lot  in  life, 
complained  bitterly  to  a  companion  because  it  had 
to  hustle  for  a  living.  "If  I  had  all  the  sweet  stuff 
I  wanted,"  said  the  discontented  fly,  "and  didn't 


141 


142 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

have  to  hunt  for  any  more,  I  would  be  contented 
and  satisfied."  The  next  day  the  companion 
found  his  friend  stuck  fast  in  a  jar  of  molasses, 
and  said:  "Well,  young  fellow,  you  seem  to  have 
enough  sweetness  there  to  feed  a  colony,  but  I 
judge  from  your  appearance  that  you  are  not  en- 
tirely happy." 

MORAL. — The  man  who  has  accumulated  much 
stuff  has  his  troubles  as  well  as  the  man  who 
wears  galled  places  on  his  person  on  account  of 
toil. 


and  tfje 

A  DOG  that  had  contracted  the  evil  habit  of 
running  about  at  night  was  accosted  by  a  hunk  of 
bologna  hanging  in  front  of  a  meat  market,  as  fol- 
lows: "Young  fellow,  a  year  or  two  ago  I  got  gay 
and  ran  away  from  a  good  home  myself.  I  hadn't 
been  gone  long  until  I  met  with  a  fellow  who  was 
doing  a  land-office  business  in  stray  dogs,  and  you 
see  where  I  am  now.  Take  my  advice,  and  don't 
monkey  round  far  from  home  after  the  curfew  has 
rung." 


143 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


MORAL. — Jf   you    have    a    good    home,    young 
man,  stay  there. 


Mloman  and  t&e  flDbettoorketo 

A  WOMA.N  who  had  more  enterprise  than  she 
had  experience  or  gumption,  put  twenty-four  eggs 
under  a  hen  who  had  indicated  that  she  was  will- 
ing to  go  into  the  family  business.  The  hen,  who 
was  an  ambitious  and  willing  soul,  saw  the  difficul- 
ties of  the  undertaking,  but  feeling  flattered  at 
what  she  considered  an  expression  of  confidence 
in  her  ability,  on  the  part  of  her  mistress,  con- 
cluded to  tackle  the  job.  She  was  not  able  to  cover 
all  the  eggs  at  one  time,  but  thought  by  sliding 
around  over  the  nest  she  might  manage  to  hatch  the 
whole  lot.  At  the  end  of  three  weeks,  however, 
the  hen  found  that  half  the  eggs  were  chilled  and 
the  other  half  had  been  broken  by  her  while  she 
was  sliding  around.  She  had  also  worn  the  feath- 
ers oif  the  under  side  of  herself,  and  was  a  nervous 
wreck  on  account  of  the  mental  strain  she  had 
undergone.  In  addition  to  all  this,  the  woman 
who  had  put  the  eggs  in  the  nest  came  out  and 


144 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 
/ 

abused  the  hen,  saying  that  she  was  no  good  on 
earth.  Then  the  poor  hen  remarked,  as  she  crept 
off  into  one  corner  of  the  yard  and  reflected  on  the 
vicissitudes  of  life,  "Alas !  this  is  what  comes  of 
tackling  a  bigger  job  than  you  have  capacity  to 
handle." 


fl&uattelina;  jfotote  and  t&e  Eucfep 

Two  FOWLS,  seeing  a  fat  juicy  worm  that  had 
carelessly  wandered  away  from  its  hole,  made  a 
break  for  it,  and  reached  it  at  about  the  same 
moment.  And  straightway  both  began  to  claim  the 
worm,  in  loud  tones  and  with  a  vociferous  man- 
ner. As  the  dispute  waxed  warmer,  the  worm, 
noticing  that  the  attention  of  the  fowls  was  tem- 
porarily distracted  from  himself,  pulled  out  at  his 
hottest  pace  for  his  humble  domicile,  saying,  as  he 
crawled  into  the  hole:  "Fight  it  out,  durn  you, 
but  I  want  to  remark  that  it  will  be  a  cold  day 
when  either  one  of  you  gets  another  whack  at 
this  worm." 

MORAL. — Both  parties  to  a  quarrel  are  gener- 
ally losers. 


145 


TOM  McXEAL'S   FABLES 


and  t^t  "&mg  of 


A  LIOX,  who  was  shut  up  iii  a  cage  in  a  menag- 
erie where  there  were  many  other  animals,  com- 
menced to  give  the  rest  of  the  beasts  a  talk  about 
the  superiority  of  his  blood.  UI  am  doing  you 
common  beasts  a  great  favor  to  allow  you  to  con- 
verse with  me  at  all,"  said  the  lion,  in  a  deep  bass 
voice.  "I  am  the  king  of  beasts.  My  ancestors 
for  many  generations  have  shaken  the  forests  with 
their  mighty  roaring,  and  all  the  animals  within 
hearing  have  trembled  at  the  sound."  And  a  little 
while  after  the  lion  had  finished  his  speech  a 
woman  weighing  about  one  hundred  and  ten 
pounds  came  in,  opened  the  door  of  his  cage, 
walked  inside,  and  with  a  small  riding-whip  com- 
menced to  larrup  the  lion  over  the  head.  At  her 
bidding  the  king  of  beasts  hiked  out  round  the  cage, 
lay  down,  rolled  over,  stood  on  his  hind  legs  and 
made  a  monkey  of  himself  generally  without  mak- 
ing any  protests.  After  the  performance  was  over 
and  the  woman  with  the  whip  had  retired,  the 
kangaroo,  who  had  been  somewhat  impressed  by 


146 


147 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

the  talk  of  the  lion,  winked  at  the  ant-eater  and 
said :  "A  king  in  a  cage  doesn't  seem  to  cut  much 
more  ice,  after  all,  than  one  of  us  common  animals 
who  never  had  any  royal  ancestry." 

MOKAL. — Koyalty  stripped  of  place  and  power 
would  become  as  common  and  tame  as  ordinary 
clay. 

^e  lEUformer  and  tfie  Bug. 

A  POLITICAL  reformer,  who  spent  the  most 
of  his  time  in  grumbling  about  the  awful  condition 
.of  things  in  general,  was  shown  to  a  hotel  where 
there  were  several  insects  known  to  science  as 
"cimex  lectularius."  Then  one  of  the  bugs  started 
to  make  a  raid  on  the  sleeping  reformer,  but  after 
taking  a  few  bites  he  was  observed  to  let  up  and 
walk  off  in  disgust.  "What 's  the  trouble  ?"  asked 
another  bug,  who  WPS  surveying  the  situation 
from  the  footboard  of  another  couch.  "Why  don't 
you  fill  up  when  you  have  the  chance  ?"  "Fill  up 
nothing!"  replied  the  disgusted  bug;  "that  man 
is  so  sour  that  his  meat  sets  my  teeth  on  edge." 
And  the  reformer  snored  on  undisturbed. 


148 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 


anto  t&e 

A  DOG  that  was  permitted  to  lounge  about  and 
sleep,  and  who  had  an  excellent  stand-in  with  the 
cook,  so  that  he  had  grown  corpulent  from  over- 
feeding, was  annoyed  by  a  family  of  fleas,  consist- 
ing of  a  paternal  flea,  his  wife,  and  four  hundred 
and  seventeen  active  and  hungry  children.  And 
the  head  of  the  flea  family,  hearing  the  complaints 
of  the  dog,  said  :  "Why  do  you  roar  ?  We  are  your 
friends.  If  it  wasn't  for  us  you  would  oversleep. 
yourself  and  die  from  lack  of  exercise."  But  the 
dog,  who  was  hankering  for  quiet  and  rest,  replied  : 
"Burn  your  friendship!  If  my  friends  have  no 
use  for  me  except  to  board  off  me,  I  prefer  to  go  it 
alone." 


Conceit^ 

A  FROG  that  was  stuck  on  its  voice,  was  sitting 
under  the  shade  of  a  watercress,  and  in  this  way 
escaped  the  eye-  of  a  frog-hunter  on  the  shore. 
Thinking  at  last  that  he  had  outwitted  the  searcher 
for  frog-legs,  the  amphibian  inflated  his  diaphragm 


149 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

and  let  out  a  croak  of  exultation  that  could  be  heard 
for  half  a  mile.  Then  the  frog-hunter,  hearing 
the  sound,  came  a-running  with  his  frog-net  and 
scooped  in  the  croaker  before  it  could  say  Jack 
Eobinson  in  the  frog  language.  As  the  frog's  wife 
saw  her  husband  scooped  into  the  net  she  said,  as 
she  slid  quietly  into  the  water:  "If  that  husband 
of  mine  had  had  brains  in  proportion  to  his  belly 
and  lungs,  he  would  have  chuckled  over  his  good 
luck,  but  he  wouldn't  have  bellowed  about  it  so 
that  he  could  be  heard  all  over  the  township." 


Carder  Copote. 


A  HUNGRY  coyote,  seeing  some  chickens  roost- 
ing in  a  tree,  began  walking  around  under  the 
branches,  looking  longingly  up  toward  the  fat  fowls 
that  were  just  out  of  reach.  And  as  he  looked  he 
grew  hungrier  and  more  anxious,  until  he  neglected 
to  watch  where  he  was  stepping,  and  stepped  into 
a  steel  trap  that  had  been  set  there  by  the  owner  of 
the  fowls.  And  an  old  wolf,  hearing  the  coyote's 
howl  of  pain,  came  up,  and,  taking  in  the  situation 


150 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


at  once,  said :  "If  you  ever  get  out  of  the  situation 
you  are  now  in,  young  fellow,  you  want  to  remem- 
ber not  to  keep  your  head  in  the  air  so  much  that 
you  can't  see  what  you  are  stepping  into." 


Coasting 

A  CERTAIN  hen  was  in  the  habit  of  cackling  vo- 
ciferously just  before  she  seated  herself  on  her  nest, 
and  giving  another  moderate  cackle  after  her  egg 
had  been  laid.  A  friendly  fowl  that  scratched  for 
worms  in  the  same  garden  with  the  hen  inquired 
the  reason  for  this  peculiar  custom,  whereupon  the 
hen  replied:  "I  was  raised  in  Kansas,  where  we 
were  in  the  habit  of  blowing  about  what  we  in- 
tended to  do  as  well  as  about  what  we  had  already 
done, — and  frequently  the  first  blow  was  all  the 
one  we  ever  had  a  chance  to  make.  I  acquired  the 
habit,  and  can't  get  over  it." 


$itt  and  t&e 

A  SCRAWNY,  stub-tailed  fice,  seeing  the  rising 
moon,  began   to  bark  a  furious  criticism  of  the 


151 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

queen  of  night;  but  the  moon  continued  to  sail 
right  along  as  if  nothing  had  happened.  Finally 
the  fice's  mother,  who  had  acquired  some  wisdom 
from  experience,  called  the  pup  into  the  woodshed 
where  they  slept,  and  said :  "My  son,  your  yelping 
doesn't  change  the  course  of  the  moon  any,  but  if 
you  had  kept  your  fool  mouth  shut  you  wouldn't 
have  ruined  the  reputation  of  the  family  for 
common-sense." 

MORAL. — Many  a  fool  might  have  a  fair  repu- 
tation for  wisdom  if  his  mouth  were  only  put  in 
the  hands  of  a  receiver. 


Colt 

A  FEMALE  horse,  who  was  the  mother  of  a  mule 
colt,  watched  over  her  offspring  with  tender  solici- 
tude, hoping  that  it  would  finally  develop  into  the 
likeness  of  her  family,  but  one  day,  when  the  colt 
was  getting  well  grown,  it  turned  loose  a  loud  and 
discordant  bray.  "Alas !  alas !  I  perceive  that 
it  is  of  no  use,"  said  the  mother  with  a  weary 
and  discouraged  sigh;  "I  thought  I  could  raise 


152 


TOM  Mc?vEAL'S  FABLES 

you  and  pass  you  off  in  society  as  a  horse,  but 
whenever  you  open  your  mouth  you  speak  like  an 
ass." 

MORAL. — Blood  will  tell. 


Squirrel  anto 

A  SQUIRREL  that  had  laid  up  a  vast  store  of  nuts 
was  surprised  at  the  large  number  of  visitors  at  his 
residence,  and  at  the  profusion  of  their  congratula- 
tions and  compliments.  As  a  result  of  these  things, 
his  head  swelled  several  sizes,  and  he  said  to  an  old 
neighbor  squirrel:  "You  see  how  this  thing  is:  I 
am  the  most  popular  rodent  in  this  neck  of  the 
woods."  But  the  neighbor,  who  had  lived  in  that 
locality  for  some  time  and  who  was  a  close  observer, 
on  hearing  this  remark  of  the  squirrel  with  the 
enlarged  cranium,  winked  his  other  eye  and  re- 
marked with  a  disdainful  whisk  of  his  tail: 
"Young  fellow,  you  will  find  after  they  are  all 
gone  that  it  was  the  nuts  this  crowd  was  after, 
and  not  you." 

MORAL. — The  man  who  has  favors  to  bestow 


153 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 


will  often  find  to  his  sorrow  that  his  personal  pop- 
ularity will  wane  after  his  power  to  grant  favors 
has  ceased. 


9pu;2leti  Calt. 

THE  owner  of  a  calf,  desiring  to  wean  it,  en- 
circled its  nose  with  a  strap  set  with  sharpened 
spikes ;  and  the  calf,  wishing  to  get  its  accustomed 
sustenance,  made  a  dash  for  the  mammilla  of  its 
maternal  ancestor,  but  was,  to  its  great  surprise 
and  chagrin,  violently  kicked  as  the  result  of  its 
effort.  As  soon  as  the  calf  had  recovered  suffi- 
ciently to  speak,  it  asked  its  mother  if  she  had 
ceased  to  love  it;  whereupon  the  cow  replied: 
"Xo,  my  son,  I  have  not  ceased  to  love  you.  It  is 
what  you  have  on  that  I  am  not  stuck  on." 

MORAL. — Disagreeable  habits  frequently  pre- 
vent friendships. 


TBitti  and  t&e  Crap. 

A  HUNGRY  bird,  seeing  some  grains  of  wheat  on 
what  appeared  to  be  a  platform  under  the  inviting 


154 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

shade  of  a  box,  hopped  up  on  the  board  to  feed 
-and  rest.  But  it  had  no  sooner  lit  than  the  plat- 
form suddenly  fell  away,  the  box  dropped,  and  the 
bird  was  a  prisoner.  A  wise  old  crow  passing  by 
saw  the  imprisoned  bird  gazing  sadly  through  a 
hole  in  the  box,  and  said :  "You  little  fool,  if  you 
had  asked  me  I  could  have^told  you  that  platform 
never  was  made  to  stand  on.  It  was  made  to 
catch  such  jays  as  you." 

MORAL. — Appearances    are    often    mighty    de- 
ceptive. 


A  GOOSE,  having  determined  to  sit,  and  not  being 
able  to  procure  any  eggs  to  sit  upon,  managed  to 
gather  together  a  collection  of  door-knobs,  stones, 
and  broken  crockery,  and  settled  down  to  business. 
All  summer  long  the  goose's  mate,  who  was  a  faith- 
ful sort  of  gander,  stood  on  guard,  occasionally 
"spelling"  the  goose  while  she  gathered  a  few 
nibbles  of  grass.  But  when  the  cool  days  of  Sep- 
tember came  on  the  gander  commenced  to  get  rest- 
less, and  finally  addressed  his  mate  as  follows: 


155 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

"See  here,  old  lady,  you  have  been  giving  me 
a  talk  all  summer  about  what  you  were  going  to 
hatch  out.  I  am  getting  blamed  weary,  and  am 
going  to  join  some  party  that  can  do  something 
besides  sit  and  hiss." 


jFarmer  and  t&e  Crotog. 

A  PAECEL  of  crows  watched  a  farmer-man  plant 
his  corn,  and  when  he  had  it  well  planted  the 
crows  lit  in  and  dug  it  up.  The  farmer-man  was 
wroth,  but  he  planted  the  field  again,  and  this  time 
he  concluded  that  he  would  leave  some  corn  on  the 
top  of  the  ground  where  it  would  be  handy  for  the 
crows  and  where  they  wouldn't  have  the  trouble  of 
digging  it  up.  But  the  crows  passed  by  the  un- 
covered corn  and  dug  up  the  covered  grains  again. 
This  made  the  farmer-man  hot,  and  he  expressed 
himself  in  language  that  was  both  forceful  and 
profane.  And  an  owl,  sitting  by,  heard  the  crows 
laugh  as  they  listened  to  the  remarks  of  the  farmer, 
and  asked  of  the  boss  crow :  "Why  didn't  you  take 
the  corn  that  the  farmer  left  lying  out  on  the 


156 


157 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

ground,  instead  of  digging  up  what  he  planted?" 
"There  are  two  reasons,  my  blinkey-eyed  friend," 
answered  the  boss  crow.  "As  a  rule,  the  corn  that 
the  farmer  is  anxious  for  the  crow  to  eat  is  mighty 
unhealthy  for  the  crow;  and  even  if  it  wasn't, 
if  we  had  eaten  the  corn  he  threw  outside  we 
wouldn't  have  had  the  chance  to  hear  the  farmer 
swear.  We  aim  to  combine  pleasure  with  business 
whenever  we  can." 


and  t&e 

A  FKESH  young  mocking-bird  was  one  day  mak- 
ing sport  of  a  barn-swallow,  on  account  of  her 
lack  of  musical  talent,  and  said :  "If  I  had  that 
voice  of  yours  I  would  trade  it  off  for  a  corn- 
stalk fiddle  or  a  disabled  jew's-harp."  The  swal- 
low, who  was  a  humble  and  patient  sort  of  bird, 
made  no  back  talk  on  account  of  the  sarcastic  ob- 
servations of  the  mocking-bird;  but  when,  a  week 
or  two  afterward,  she  looked  through  a  window 
and  saw  this  same  mocking-bird  shut  up  in  a  small 
cage,  she  said :  "I  am  aware  that  I  am  no  operatic 


158 


.TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

singer,  but  it  would  take  heavy  'boot'  to  induce  me 
to  swap  my  voice  for  the  voice  of  that  young 
mocking-bird." 

MORAL. — Oftentimes  the  plain,  humble  citizen 
who  has  no  particular  accomplishments  or  frills, 
seems  to  hold  the  edge  over  the  person  of  many 
accomplishments. 


and  t&e  ^ungtp  Croto. 

A  HEN  was  busily  scratching  in  front  of  a  stable 
door  for  provender  for  herself  and  brood,  when 
a  lean  and  hungry  crow  in  a  tree  near  by  began 
to  criticize  the  appearance  and  odoriferous  char- 
acter of  the  heap  from  which  the  hen  was  gathering 
sustenance.  But  the  hen,  who  had  been  reared  bv 
a  Boston  family,  and  who  was  a  bird  of  great 
culture  and  precision  of  speech,  replied :  "The  en- 
vironments, indeed,  are  not  so  aesthetic  as  would 
seem  to  fully  accord  with  the  most  refined  taste, 
but  the  picking  seems  to  be  a  vast  deal  better  than 
anything  you  have  struck  lately,  judging  from 
your  general  appearance."  And  with  a  maternal 
cluck  the  hen  distributed  three  more  fat  juicy  grub- 


159 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

worms  and  four  grains  of  corn  among  her  sur- 
rounding progeny. 

MOKAL. — It  is  better  to  follow  an  unpleasant 
occupation  that  yields  the  persimmons  of  success, 
than  to  stick  to  a  genteel  occupation  that  yields 
little  but  husks  and  wind  pudding. 


2Di0contentt&  goutf)  and  t&e  &nt. 

A  DISCONTENTED  young  man  who  was  attending 
a  picnic,  was  sitting  under  the  branches  of  a  cotton- 
wood  tree,  complaining  bitterly  of  the  lack  of  op- 
portunity. "Unless  you  are  one  of  the  big-bugs 
you  cut  no  figure  in  this  country  any  more,"  said 
the  bilious  youth ;  but  just  then  a  dark-complex- 
ioned ant,  whose  home  life  had  been  interfered 
with  by  the  picnic,  stole  up  under  the  young  man's 
pantaloons  and  fastened  his  nippers  in  his  calf. 
Whereupon  the  young  man  gave  a  yell  of  pain,  and 
began  to  seek  eagerly  for  that  ant.  And  as  the 
ant  slid  off  into  the  grass,  carrying  with  her 
enough  meat  to  feed  her  family  for  one  meal,  she 
said :  "Young  fellow,  I  am  not  a  big-bug,  but  you 


160 


TOM   McXEAL'S -FABLES 

will  observe  that  when  I  organize  myself  for  busi- 
ness I  cut  considerable  figure  in  the  vicinity  where 
I  operate." 

MOBAL. — It  isn't  size,  but  ability  to  hump,  that 
counts  in  this  country. 


t&at  Eacfeed 

A  YOUNG  and  foolish  bee  which  was  sent  out 
for  the  first  time  to  gather  honey,  instead  of  sock- 
ing its  dipper  into  the  heart  of  the  fragrant  alfalfa, 
took  a  load  from  some  noxious  and  loud-smelling 
weeds,  and,  carrying  it  home,  squirted  it  into  the 
honey-cell.  And  when  the  owner  of  the  bees  came 
to  sell  his  honey,  the  buyer  tasted  of  the  comb 
that  the  young  bee  had  helped  to  fill,  and  threw 
it  out  as  refused.  Then  the  queen  bee,  observing 
this,  said  to  the  young  bee :  '"One  bad  break,  you 
will  notice,  has  ruined  the  work  of  an  entire 
season." 

MOKAL. — One  onion  will  spoil  the  breath  of  the 
handsomest  woman,  and  one  mistake  may  ruin 
the  reputation  of  a  lifetime. 


161 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


Congerbatibe 

A  MISSOURI  ground-hog  came  out  of  its  bole  on 
schedule  time  on  the  second  day  of  February,  and 
looked  around  carefully  for  some  indications  of 
a  shadow.  There  was  no  shadow  in  sight,  but  just 
the  same  the  ground-hog  proceeded  to  pull  his 
freight  back  to  his  hole.  And  a  chipmunk  which 
happened  to  be  near  by,  hailed  the  ground-hog, 
saying:  "Hi,  there,  you  old  fool;  there  is  no 
shadow  in  sight  ;  why  don't  you  stay  out  and  attend 
to  business  ?"  But  the  ground-hog  answered 
calmly,  as  he  paused  at  the  mouth  of  his  burrow  : 
"Shadow  be  blowed!  I  have  a  chilblain  on  my 
nose  yet  that  I  contracted  three  or  four  years  ago 
on  account  of  pinning  my  faith  on  that  shadow 
business.  This  year  I  am  going  to  hole  up  and  let 
the  Government  Weather  Bureau  run  the  weather 
as  they  blamed  please." 


1BUt0  ana  t&e  Storping  Cat. 

Two  EATS  were  preparing  to  make  a  raid  on 
a  pantry,  when  they  discovered  a  cat  lying  near 


162 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

the  pantry  door,  apparently  fast  asleep.  The 
younger  of  the  two  rats  was  advancing  boldly,  on 
the  theory  that  the  cat  was  entirely  unconscious 
of  its  presence,  when  the  elder  rat  checked  it,  say- 
ing: "That  cat  appears  to  be  asleep,  but  it  will 
require  a  certificate  that  she  is  dead  before  I  will 
take  any  chances  on  getting  within  her  reach.  I 
was  raised  in  Missouri." 


SDucfe  anfc  t$t  Koogttr. 

A  KAXSAS  duck  that  had  faithfully  stuck  to 
business  during  the  summer  and  laid  several  dozen 
large  fawn-colored  eggs,  complained  that  she  was 
not  appreciated.  "See  that  hen  over  there:  she 
hasn't  laid  as  many  eggs  as  I  have,  nor  as  big,  but 
she  has  books  written  about  her  and  verses  written 
in  her  honor,  while  nobody  is  saying  a  word  about 
me."  "The  trouble  with  you  is,"  said  a  wise 
rooster  that  was  standing  near,  "you  don't  tell  the 
public  what  you  have  done.  You  lay  an  egg  and 
waddle  off  without  saying  a~word,  but  that  sister 
of  mine  never  lays  one  without  letting  everybody 


163 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


in  the  neighborhood  know  about  it.  If  you  want 
to  cut  any  ice  in  this  community  you  must  learn 
to  advertise." 


Jlndolent  SDog. 

AAT  indolent  dog  which  spent  most  of  his  time 
in  slumber,  lay  dreaming  by  the  tire,  and  barked  in 
his  sleep  as  if  he  were  hot>  on  the  chase.  And  the 
dog's  mother,  who  was  wearied  by  the  general 
conduct  of  her  son,  watched  him  in  disgust  for 
a  time,  and  then  said:  "That  son  of  mine  is  like 
a  lot  of  people  I  know :  all  the  work  he  ever  does 
is  in  his  mind." 

MOKAL. — It  is  actions,  not  dreams,  that  count 
in  this  life. 


Croto  and  tfje  Coyote. 

A  CKOW  which  had  fastened  onto  a  hunk  of 
cheese  was  sitting  on  the  limb  of  a  tree  with  the 
cheese  in  his  mouth,  when  a  coyote  who  had  read 
^Esop's  fables  came  along  and  began  to  bestow  glu- 
cose on  the  crow  in  large  quantities.  "You  are 


164 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

a  little  the  smoothest,  bird  in  this  State/'  said  the 
coyote  in  a  winsome  tone  of  voice.  "A  bird  that 
is  as  handsome  as  you  are  must  surely  be  a  singer 
from  away  back.''  But  the  crow,  instead  of  open- 
ing his  month  to  respond  to  the  compliment  and 
at  the  same  time  dropping  the  cheese,  as  the 
coyote  had  expected,  carefully  laid  the  morsel  up 
in  the  forks  of  the'  tree,  and  then,  turning  to  the 
coyote,  chuckled  a  low  chuckle  as  it  said:  "You 
thought  you  would  work  me,  you  lantern-jawed 
son.  of  a  thief,  but  if  you  ever  get  me  to  drop  any 
cheese  around  where  you  are  it  will  be  after  I  have 
ceased  to  be  onto  my  job." 


ftmiritiousf 

A  FROG,  becoming  ambitious  to  accumulate 
knowledge,  met  with  a  bull-snake  one  day,  and 
boldly  accosting  it,  asked  for  such  information  as 
the  snake  had  on  hand.  "All  right,"  said  the 
snake,  as  he  made  a  dive  for  the  frog;  "I  will  put 
you  on  the  inside."  And  he  did.  Then  the  frog's 
son,  who  happened  to  be  near  and  saw  his  mother 


165 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 


disappearing,  remarked  with  a  sigh,  as  he  hopped 
away  and  out  of  danger:  "Mother  might  have 
been  spared  to  us  a  good  while  longer  if  she 
hadn't  been  so  allfired  anxious  to  find  out  about 
other  people's  business." 


&nake  anb  tfje 

A  LARGE  bull-snake  sought  admission  to  the 
home  of  a  prairie-dog,  and  by  a  long  list  of  promises 
as  to  what  it  would  do  for  the  dog  and  his  family 
in  return  for  the  favor,  persuaded  the  dog  to  let 
it  in.  But  when  the  snake  Avas  comfortably  settled 
in  the  prairie-dog's  home,  instead  of  doing  any 
of  the  things  it  had  promised,  it  began  to  fill  its 
interior  with  the  younger  members  of  the  dog's 
family.  Whereupon  the  prairie-dog  reproached 
the  snake  for  breaking  its  agreement;  but  the 
snake  simply  replied:  "At  the  time  I  made  those 
promises  I  was  talking  for  meat." 

MORAL. — You  may  listen  to  the  smooth  talk  of 
a  confidence  man,  but  be  sure  that  you  never  put 
yourself  in  his  power. 


166 


fealoontet 
and  t&*  25um. 

A  MAN  who  had 
been  a  patron  of 
a  joint  for  a  num- 
ber of  years  found 
at  last  that  he  had 
spent  a  moderate- 
sized  fortune,  had 
patches  on  the 
bosom  of  his 
pants ;  was  shat- 
tered in  health ; 
out  of  a  job,  and 
down  to  his  last 
quarter.  With 
this  lone  coin  in 
his  hand  he  went 
into  the  joint  to  drown  his  thirst,  and  as  he  turned 
to  come  out  he  noticed  the  proprietor  of  the  estab- 
lishment drive  by  in  a  barouche  drawn  by  a  hand- 
some team,  while  large  diamonds  flashed  on  his 
fingers  and  from  the  bosom  of  his  shirt.  Then  the 
bum  surveyed  himself  for  a  moment  in  the  glass, 
and  noting  the  purple  hue  of  his  nose,  said  to  him- 


167 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

self  as  lie  figured  up  the  amount  he  had  blown  in 
on  that  joint:  "I  have  furnished  enough  cash  to 
buy  that  rig  and  those  diamonds  and  that  house 
up  on  the  hill.  All  he  has  furnished  me  in  return 
is  the  stuff  to  paint  that  smeller  of  mine,  and  after 
it  is  painted  to  a  finishing  coat,  I  can't  find  a  single 
individual  who  admires  the  color.  It  occurs  to 
me  that  I  have  paid  an  allfired  high  price  for  a 
mighty  poor  quality  of  paint." 


25dligmnt  C5oat  anto  tfje  Q^itror. 

A  MIRROR,  which  was  being  moved  from  one 
house  to  another,  was  set  up  against  a  stone  wall 
for  a  moment  while  the  mover  went  into  the  house 
to  get  some  other  furniture.  A  rantankerous  goat, 
passing  by,  glanced  at  the  mirror,  and  seeing 
what  he  supposed  was  another  goat  trespassing 
on  his  stamping-ground,  without  asking  any  ques- 
tions he  took  a  running  shoot  and  knocked  that 
looking-glass  into  about  seven  hundred  pieces.  He 
also  knocked  the  stone  wall  behind  the  glass  so 
hard  that  he  broke  off  one  horn,  skinned  his  head, 


168 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 


and  fractured  his  skull.  Then  a  mild-mannered 
sheep,  who  stood  by  watching  the  performance, 
said :  "If  that  goat  would  make  some  preliminary 
inquiries  before  jumping  into  a  fuss,  he  might 
lose  some  of  his  reputation  for  sand,  but  he  would 
get  credit  for  having  a  heap  more  sense." 

MORAL. — It  is  bad  policy  to  rush  into  a  scrap 
without  investigation. 


and  t&e  Bald^eadeti  Clerk. 

A  BALD-HEADED  clerk  who  was  much  troubled  by 
flies  feeding  on  his  dehaired  dome  of  thought,  put 
a  plate  of  molasses  on  his  desk,  under  the  impres- 
sion that  it  would  attract  the  dipterous  insects 
away  from  his  cranium ;  but  instead  of  leaving 
him,  they  gathered  on  his  head  in  still  greater 
numbers.  And  as  the  leader  of  the  flies  brushed 
his  whiskers  and  gleefully  rubbed  his  rear  limbs 
together,  he  said :  "It  isn't  the  superior  quality  of 
the  feed  on  this  man's  head  that  attracts  me  rather 
than  that  plate  of  molasses, — it  is  the  satisfaction 
of  hearing  him  swear." 


169 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


MORAL. — Some  people  will  be  mean  for  nothing 
when  they  could  make  wages  by  being  good. 


Eean  ^ottfe  and 

A  HORSE,  whose  master  made  loud  pretenses  of 
religious  devotion,  was  standing  hungry  and  un- 
blanketed  one  cold  winter  day  in  front  of  a  church, 
while  his  master  was  inside  fairly  raising  the  roof 
with  his  fervent  petitions.  Whereupon  the  horse 
shiveringly  remarked,  as  he  bit  a  splinter  from 
the  post  to  which  he  was  tied:  "Looking  at  this 
thing  from  the  standpoint  of  a  horse,  I  should  say 
that  if  the  man  who  owns  me  would  mix  more 
blankets  and  oats  with  his  prayers  they  would  go 
considerably  higher  and  count  for  more  than  they 
do  noAv." 


35loolie&  Piu  and  tfje  flfllalloto. 


A  MAN  had  a  blooded  pig,  of  which  he  was  es- 
pecially. proud.  The  pig  was  of  handsome  build, 
and  had  a  pedigree  that  ran  back  to  a  royal  line 


170 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

of  swine.  As  the  hog  grew  it  was  petted  by  the 
man's  entire  family.  It  was  given  a  daily  bath 
in  clean  water,  and  a  beautiful  blue  ribbon  was 
tied  about  its  neck  by  one  of  the  young  ladies  of 
the  household.  But  one  day  the  blooded  swine 
strayed  away  from  its  environments,  and  when 
the  man  found  it  that  hog  was  up  to  its  eyes  in 
the  muddiest  mud-hole  about  the  farm.  And  as 
the  owner  saw  the  satisfaction  with  which  that 
pedigreed  swine  wallowed  in  the  mire,  he  said 
in  a  tone  of  disgust:  "You  may  feed  a  hog  on 
dainties  and  bathe  him  in  rose:water,  but  after  all 
he  is  nothing  but  a  hog." 


SDteappotnteti 

ONCE  there  was  a  young  and  inexperienced  fly 
that  grew  ambitious  and  tackled  the  head  -of  a  foot- 
ball player,  but  after  getting  tangled  up  in  the 
player's  Hair,  and  not  being  able  to  get  anywhere, 
it  returned  to  its  mother,  weary  and  disgusted. 
Then  the  maternal  fly,  who  was  getting  in  her 
work  on  a  bald-headed  man,  said  to  her  offspring: 


171 


TOM   MoXEAL'S  FABLES 


"My  son,  after  this  possibly  you  will  have  sense 
enough  to  stay  where  your  efforts  will  be  appre- 
ciated." 


Hato  and  9£oral  £>ua0ion. 


Aisr  individual  who  was  violently  opposed  to  all 
sumptuary  laws  was  making  a  talk  to  an  agricul- 
turist, and  remarked  as  a  sort  of  clincher:  "I  say 
that  you  can't  make  men  good  by  law.  If  you 
want  to  stop  any  evil  you  must  use  moral  suasion." 
"Maybe  so,  maybe-  so,"  said  the.  farmer-man,  re- 
flectively ;  "but  I  have  noticed  that  I  have  a  heap 
more  apples  left  on  my  trees  if  I  leave  that  bulldog 
of  mine  loose  at  night." 

MORA],.  —  The  evil-doer  fears  the  penalty  of  the 
law  a  good  deal  more  than  he  heeds  the  admoni- 
tions to  be  good. 


Jnjutiinuuo 

A  FOOLISH  pup  while  strolling  through  the  fields 
one  day  in  company  with  its  mother,  stuck  its 
nose  into  what  it  supposed  was  just  a  common  hole 


172 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

in  the  ground.  But  just  then  the  female  bumble- 
bee who  was  rearing  a  family  in  that  hole,  backed 
up  against  the  nostril  of  the  pup  in  a  way  that 
caused  him  to  "yip"  with  great  vigor,  and  fall 
over  himself  several  times  in  his  haste  to  get  away 
from  that  immediate  vicinity.  Then  the  pup's 
mother  remarked  quietly,  as  she  examined  the 
swelling  on  the  smeller  of.  her  descendant :  "My 
son,  it  is  a  wise  thing  to  find  out  whom  a  hole  in 
the  ground  belongs  to  before  sticking  your  nose 
into  it." 

MORAL. — Reckless  haste  in  rushing  into  things 
that  he  knows  nothing  about  has  gotten  many  an 
individual  into  trouble. 


&miutiou0  Eanb  Cettapin. 

A  LA:ND  terrapin  which  had  heard  the  story 
about  the  turtle  winning  out  in  a  race  with  a  hare, 
got  gay,  and  issued  a  challenge  to  a  jack-rabbit 
to  run  a  mile  heat.  And  the  jack-rabbit  having 
accepted  the  challenge,  and  the  bet  having  been 
posted  in  the  hands  of  the  stake-holder,  the  terrapin 


173 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

waddled  off  in  high  glee  to  his  mother,  saying: 
"Mother,  I  will  win  enough  on  this  race  to  keep 
you  in  luxury  the  remainder  of  your  life."  But 
the  old  terrapin,  after  looking  her  alecky  son  over, 
quietly  replied :  "My  son,  that  old  story  about  the 
hare  and  the  tortoise  may  have  been  true,  but  I 
notice  that  in  this  later  day  the  individual  with 
a  land-terrapin  movement  isn't  winning  any  races." 


Unfortunate  Jflp. 

A  HUNGKY  fly  one  day  flew  into  a  grocery  store, 
and  seeing  a  barrel  of  sugar  standing  uncovered, 
said:  "This  is  the  softest  snap  I  have  struck  for 
some  time ;  I  will  just  light  here  and  fill  up  with 
sweetness  enough  to  last  me  as  much  as  a  couple 
of  days."  And  while  the  fly  was  filling  its  interior, 
the  man  who  was  trying  to  run  the  store  came  by, 
and  seeing  that  the  lid  had  been  knocked  off  the 
sugar-barrel,  put  it  on  again.  This  didn't  worry 
the  fly  in  the  least,  for  it  supposed  that  some  one 
would  soon  come  and  remove  the  cover  of  the 
barrel  in  order  to  get  sugar  for  some  customer. 


174 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

But  the  fly  did  not  know  that  it  had  wandered  by 
chance  into  a  store  whose  owner  never  advertised. 
And  when  some  weeks  afterward  the  sheriff  took 
charge  of  the  store  on  behalf  of  the  creditors,  and 
lifted  the  lid  from  the  sugar-barrel,  it  was  found 
that  the  unfortunate  fly  had  perished  from  thirst. 

AloKAL. — If  that  fly  had  been  thoughtful  enough 
to  carry  a  canteen,  he  might  have  done  well  for 
a  considerable  period. 


Eooster  an&  tfie  Cpcloiw. 

A  FOOLISH  young  rooster  that  had  never  seen 
a  cyclone,  flew  up  on  a  fence  one  murky,  sultry 
day,  to  get,  as  he  said,  a  breath  of  fresh  air.  And 
an  older  fowl,  after  taking  a  sniff  of  the  oppressive 
atmosphere,  called  to  his  mates  in  alarm  and  told 
them  to  follow  him  to  a  neighboring  cyclone  hole. 
But  the  young  rooster  on  the  fence  refused  to  fol- 
low the  lead  of  the  older  fowl,  saying:  uYou  oil 
fool,  why  do  you  want  us  to  go  into  that  hot  hole 
on  such  a  day  as  this  ?  There  is  no  danger  out 
here  so  far  as  I  can  see,  and  I  propose  to  stay 


175 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

here  and  get  what  little  fresh  air  I  can."  A  few 
minutes  after  that  a  cyclone  came  scooting  along 
that  way,  and  the  tail  of  it  caught  the  smart  young 
bird,  carried  him  two  miles,  and  finally  dropped 
him  with  hardly  a  feather  left  on  his  frame.  And 
when  finally  the  young  rooster  had  recovered 
enough  to  sit  up  and  take  notice,  he  said  feebly: 
"If  I  had  had  sense  enough  to  heed  the  words 
of  experience  instead  of  thinking  that  I  knew  it 
all,  I  might  have  suffered  a  little  inconvenience, 
but  I  would  have  been  in  a  lot  better  shape  to 
appear  in  society  than  I  am  at  present." 

MORAL. — The  conceited  youth  might  be  saved 
a  lot  of  trouble  by  listening  to  the  words  of 
experience. 


Pup. 

A  DOG,  hearing  her  offspring  barking  furiously, 
went  to  investigate  the  matter,  and  found  that  the 
pup  had  a  ground-mole  at  bay,  but  was  not  rushing 
into  a  close  conflict.  Whereupon  the  maternal 
dog  remarked :  "My  son,  if  you  would  use  vour 


176 


TOM   McXEAI/S   FABLES 

teeth   more   and  your  voice  less,  you  would  cut 
much  more  ice  than  you  are  doing  at  present." 

MORAL. — Action    counts    for   more    than    chin- 
music,  in  either  war  or  peace. 


Eiff&tmng-Sug;  tofjo  ^fjoufffit  l£e  toag 


A  LIGHTNING-BUG  who  had  fallen  into  the  error 
of  supposing  that  he  was  the  whole  thing,  sus- 
pended his  light  for  a  moment  while  he  en- 
gaged in  conversation  with  a  pincher-bug  that 
was  passing  by.  At  that  moment  there  was  some 
hitch  in  the  works  at  the  electric-light  plant,  and 
the  whole  city  was  suddenly  in  darkness.  And 
the  lightning-bug,  thinking  that  it  all  came  about 
because  he  shut  off  his  glow,  pompously  remarked  : 
"Excuse  my  mentioning  it,  but  you  observe,  I 
suppose,  what  shape  this  town  would  be  in  if  I 
were  to  move  out  of  it." 

MORAL.  —  There  is  a  vast  difference  between 
the  real  value  of  many  people  and  the  estimate 
they  place  on  themselves. 


177 


Crainsf. 


A  DOG  lived  on  a  farm  through  which  ran  a 
railroad.  Each  day  that  fool  canine  was  in  the 
habit  of  rushing  out  at  each  passing  train  and 
chasing  it  with  great  vigor  until  the  caboose  was 
out  of  sight  over  the  hill,  when  he  would  return 
and  crawl  into  the  shade  of  the  porch  and  wait 
until  the  next  train  came  along.  By-and-by,  when 
age  began  to  creep  on  the  canine  and  he  felt  his 
joints  growing  stiff  and  runs  harder  to  make,  he 
one  day  muttered  sadly  to  himself  :  "I  don't  know 
what  will  become  of  things  around  here  when  I 
get  too  old  and  stiff  to  run.  Those  tooting  outfits 
will  take  the  place." 

MORAL.  —  Many  an  individual  thinks  he  is  pry- 
ing up  one  corner  of  the  universe,  when  as  a 


178 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 


matter  of  fact  he  is  simply  wasting  his  time  and 
wind. 


Ringed  Buff, 

A  BUG  which  had  sailed  in  at  an  open  window 
on  a  summer  night  and  had  all  the  fringe  singed 
off  his  wings  by  an  open  gas-light,  was  watching 
a  young  man  go  up  against  a  brace  game  in  a  joint ; 
and  hearing  the  young  man  confidently  assert  that 
he  knew  what  he  was  about,  the  singed  bug  re- 
marked to  himself:  "I  thought  the  same  thing, 
young  fellow,  when  I  went  up  against  that  gas- 
light. I  know  better  now,  but  I  am  so  short  on 
wings  that  I  fear  I  will  have  to  permanently  re- 
tire from  business." 

MORAL. — Many  a  fool  learns  from  experience, 
but  too  late  to  do  him  any  good. 


Conceited  SDonkep. 

IT  chanced  that  a   horse   and   a   donkey  were 
being  shipped  to  market  in  the  same  car,  and  as 


179 


TOM   McXEAL'S  FABLES 

they  were  passing  through  a  certain  town  the  don- 
key, who  was  in  love  with  his  voice,  remarked  to 
the  horse  that  while  they  were  waiting  for  the 
trainmen  to  do  some  switching  he  would  entertain 
the  people  with  a  few  vocal  selections  from  his  rep- 
ertoire. Then  after  inflating  his  lungs,  he  turned 
loose  with  a  wild,  weird  bray  that  could  be  heard 
for  a  mile.  And  when  this  had  gone  on  for  about 
two  minutes  the  brakemau  appeared  on  the  scene 
with  a  large  elm  club  and  biffed  the  donkey  sev- 
eral times.  When  the  brakeman  had  finally  gone 
away,  the  donkey  turned  to  the  horse  for  sympathy, 
but  that  wise  animal  simply  said  :  "If  you  had 
kept  your  fool  mouth  shut  you  would  not  only 
have  saved  yourself  this  beating,  but  the  people 
generally  around  this  neighborhood  would  not  have 
known  that  I  had  an  ass  for  a  companion." 

MORAL.  —  Many  a  chump  has  gotten  into  trouble 
by  working  his  mouth  when  there  was  no  occasion 
for  doing  so. 


Cricket  and  t&e  <£>peta 

A  CRICKET  who  believed  it  could  sing,  managed 
to  get  located  in  an  opera-house  where  a  noted 


180 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

prima  donna  had  an  engagement.  And  as  the 
prima  donna  began  to  trill,  the  cricket  began  to 
chirp.  When  the  noted  trilleress  had  finished  her 
trill,  the  crowd  broke  out  in  a  storm  of  applause 
which  lasted  for  several  minutes.  When  finally 
the  applause  had  subsided,  the  cricket  turned  to 
a  companion,  and,  rubbing  its  feet  together  with 
great  satisfaction,  said :  "There  are  a  lot  of  ducks 
around  here  who  think  I  can't  sing,  but  I  suppose 
you  noticed  the  way  I  brought  down  that  house.'* 

MORAL. — Sometimes  an  individual  supposes  he 
is  cutting  a  large  amount  of  congealed  moisture, 
when  as  a  matter  of  fact  nobody  is  paying  any 
attention  to  him. 


lark'Uabfm  totjo  tjaD  Profited  fap 

(trample. 

A  JACK-BABBIT  which  had  been  captured  in  its 
infancy,  afterward  escaped  and  returned  to  its 
native  haunts.  It  was  noticed  thereafter  that  no 
other  jack-rabbit  on  that  stretch  of  prairie  was  in 
it  with  the  first-mentioned  when  it  came  to  dodg- 
ing and  doubling  and  getting  out  of  tight  places. 


181 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

An  interested  contemporary  called  on  the  first- 
mentioned  rabbit  and  besought  him  to  tell  where1 
he  had  acquired  his  skill.  "That  is  easy,"  said 
the  first  jack-rabbit  as  he  gently  fanned  himself 
with  his  left  ear;  "I  was  captured  while  young, 
and  trained  by  a  Kansas  politician,  who  tried  to 
keep  on  both  sides  of  the  prohibition  question." 


£ ooltel)  Country  flat 

A  COUNTRY  rat  was  invited  to  visit  with  a  cousin 
in  the  city.  The  city  cousin  was  located  in  one  of 
the  biggest  stores  in  the  metropolis.  The  country 
rat  had  been  accustomed  to  corn  straight,  but  the 
city  rodent  had  his  choice  of  the  best  there  was  in 
the  market.  The  country  rat  was  greatly  tickled 
with  the  change  until,  while  making  a  tour  of  in- 
spection, he  happened  to  step  into  one  of  the  traps 
that  were  set  around  the  big  store.  By  gnawing 
off  one  leg  he  managed  to  get  loose,  and,  calling 
to  his  city  friend,  said :  "I  will  hit  the  next  freight 
train  for  home.  You  can  keep  that  piece  of  a  leg 
that  T  left  in  that  trap  over  there  as  a  reminder 


182 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

of  a  blamed  fool  who  didn't  know  when  he  was 
well  off." 

MORAL. — The  individual  who  is  located  on  a 
good  Kansas  farm  had  better  think  it  over  a  good 
while  before  he  leaves  it  to  try  his  luck  in  the  city. 


SBttlr  to  1)0  caoultm't  be  imposed  Clpon. 

DURING  an  exceedingly  dry  season,  a  farmer 
who  was  out  of  corn  fed  his  mule  on  the  husks 
that  grew  where  the  corn  ought  to  have  grown. 
And  the  mule,  being  a  sensible  sort  of  a  bird, 
made  no  kick,  but  took  his  husks  without  a  word. 
The  next  year  there  was  a  good  crop,  but  the 
farmer  having  observed  that  his  mule  had  pulled 
through  the  year  before  on  husks,  concluded  that 
he  would  sell  "his  corn  and  feed  the  mule  on  husks 
again.  But  the  mule  immediately  organized  a 
strike,  and  remarked :  "Last  year  I  made  no  roar 
on  the  husk  proposition,  because  that  was  the  best 
you  could  do,  but  this  year  I  will  be  dad-blamed 
if  I  will  live  on  husks  when  I  know  that  you  have 
five  thousand  bushels  of  corn  in  the  crib." 


183 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


MOEAL. — It  is  not  safe  to  presume  too  far  on 
the  patience  of  good-nature. 


and  tfie  Jatmer. 

A  CHINCH-BUG  saw  a  farmer  standing  by  his 
wheat-field,  and  heard  him  joyously  exclaim:  "I 
have  the  world  by  the  anecdote.  That  field  of 
wheat  is  good  for  at  least  thirty  bushels  to  the 
acre."  Whereupon  the  chinch-bug  grated  her 
teeth  viciously  and  said  to  herself:  "You  may  be 
right,  my  buck,  and  then  again  you  may  not.  If 
I  get  over  the  chills  I  contracted  during  the  last 
spell  of  cold  damp  weather,  I  won't  do  a  thing 
to  that  wheat-field  of  yours." 

MOKAL. — Don't  figure  on  your  crop  until  it  is 
harvested. 


and  t&e  C&icknt^atok. 

A  HEN  who  was  just  beginning  to  rear  her  first 
brood  of  chickens,  was  visited  by  a  chicken-hawk, 
who  addressed  her,  saying:  "My  dear  Mrs.  Hen, 


184 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

you  are  wearing  yourself  out  looking  after  that 
flock  of  chickens.  If  you  don't  take  more  rest 
and  recreation  you  will  grow  old  and  faded  before 
your  time.  Just  go  away  and  visit  a  spell  while 
I  look  after  your  flock."  And  the  young  hen, 
feeling  flattered  on  account  of  the  attention  of  the 
hawk,  answered:  "I  am  feeling  in  great  need  of 
rest  and  recreation.  I  have  been  tied  down  here 
now  for  the  last  four  weeks,  and  haven't  had  a 
chance  to  even  visit  with  the  neighbor  hens." 
Then  the  foolish  young  thing  turned  her  flock  over 
to  the  hawk,  and  went  away  to  gossip  with  a  female 
Plymouth  Rock  over  in  the  next  yard.  But  when 
she  returned,  a  couple  of  hours  after,  she  found 
that  the  hawk  was  gone,  and  also  the  last  one  of 
her  tender  offspring.  When  she  related  her 
mournful  story  to  her  husband,  he  said:  "My 
dear,  if  you  had  looked  up  the  record  of  that  hawk 
outfit  you  would  have  known  that  not  one  of  the 
family  could  be  intrusted  with  a  flock  of  chickens." 
MORAL. — When  a  stranger  professes  unusual 
anxiety  to  serve  ydU,  it  is  well  to  wait  until  you 
can  look  up  his  record  before  you  accept  his 
services. 


185 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


A  KANSAS  coyote,  observing  a  fat  young  sheep 
feeding  in  a  corral,  poked  his  nose  through  a  crack 
and  asked  :  "Why  do  you  stay  with  the  plutocrat 
who  owns  this  ranch?  Don't  you  know  that  he 
is  keeping  you  here  in  order  that  he  may  shear  you 
hy-and-by  ?  I  am  organizing  the  opposition  to  the 
grinding  money-power  which  is  represented  by 
the  man  who  owns  this  corral.  Come  with  me 
and  join  the  forces  of  reform."  But  the  young 
vsheep,  which  had  more  sense  than  its  appearance 
would  indicate,  winked  its  other  eye  as  it  took  a  nip 
of  alfalfa,  and  answered  :  "Xot  if  I  am  personally 
acquainted  with  myself.  I  had  an  uncle  who  was 
fool  enough  to  join  your  forces  of  reform,  and 
if  I  am  not  mistaken,  I  see  some  of  his  wool  in 
your  teeth  right  now." 


fe>fitrp-9$an  and  t&e 

A  MAN  decided  to  go  into  the  sheep  business, 
and    advertised    for   herding-dogs.      A   lean   pot- 


186 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

hound  and  a  rough-haired  cur  applied  for  posi- 
tions, but  before  the  man  had  decided  as  to 
whether  or  not  he  would  try  them,  each  one  of 
the  dogs  called  him  aside  and  confidentially  in- 
formed him  that  the  other  dog  was  a  sheep-killing 
thief.  After  hearing  their  stories,  the  man  called 
them  up  and  said:  "You  two  seem  to  be  ac- 
quainted, and  ought  to  know  each  other  well. 
Since  hearing  both  your  stories  I  have  decided 
that  I  would  not  trust  either  one  of  you  as  far  as 
I  could  cast  a  two-year-old  beef  steer  by  the 
tail." 

MORAL. — It  is  never  safe  to  trust  the  indi- 
vidual who  makes  a  business  of  slandering  his 
neighbors. 


lungag  (Earn* 

Is"  a  certain  market-place  was  a  coop,  full  of 
chickens  waiting  for  the  executioner.  And  while 
they  were  awaiting  developments  a  game  rooster 
among  the  bunch  flapped  his  wings  as  well  as  his 
cramped  quarters  would  allow,  and  gave  a  lusty 
crow.  "What  have  vou  got  to  crow  about,  I  'd 


187 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

like  to  know  ?"  said  a  disgusted  turkey  in  another 
coop;  "you  will  lose  your  head  inside  of  twelve 
hours."  "Maybe  so,"  said  the  cheerful  rooster, 
"but  T  am  from  Kansas,  whore  we  never  say  die. 
If  evervthina-  failed  one  season  we  commenced  to 

./ 

crow  about  what  we  were  going  to  do  next  year; 
and  anyway,  if  T  have  to  die,  blamed  if  T  don't  in- 
tend to  enjoy  myself  while  I  live." 

MORAL. — Xever  say  die  as  long  as  you  are  able 
to  say  anything. 


Jupitn:  and  t&e 

IT  is  said  that  when  the  bee  first  started  in 
business  she  had  no  sting,  and  was  compelled  to 
take  a  great  deal  of  back  talk  from  other  insects 
because  she  wasn't  able  to  defend  herself.  At 
last,  growing  weary  of  this  sort  of  business,  she 
applied  to  Jupiter  to  let  her  have  a  double-acting, 
rapid-fire  stinger,  saying  she  wished  to  surprise 
a  few  ducks  who  had  been  in  the  habit  of  guying 
her  heretofore.  Then  Jupiter,  who  had  a  consid- 
erable supply  of  stingers  on  hand,  brought  one 
out  and  fastened  it  onto  the  bee,  but  at  the  same 


188 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

time  said:  "My  ambitious  female,  I  will  give 
you  this  stinger  as  you  request,  but  I  have  fixed 
it  so  that  you  can  use  it  but  once.  You  can  sock 
it  into  your  enemy  in  good  shape,  but  the  act  will 
cost  you  your  life.  Thus  will  you  be  punished  for 
your  desire  for  revenge."  Then  the  bee,  who  was 
a  honey-bee,  took  her  stinger  and  went  away  sad. 
After  she  had  been  gone  a  few  moments,  a  bumble- 
bee came  sailing  in  and  presented  a  similar  re- 
quest. "All  right,"  said  Jupiter ;  "here  's  the  stock 
I  have  on  hand.  Come  in  and  pick  out  a  jabber 
to  suit  yourself."  Then  the  bumblebee  picked  out 
a  double-action,  patent  reversible  stinger  about  the 
length  of  a  fork-tine,  and  said  he  would  take  that. 
Then  Jupiter  fastened  the  stinger  on  the  bumble- 
bee and  proceeded  to  give  him  the  same  sort  of  talk 
he  had  given  to  the  honey-bee.  The  bumblebee 
listened,  saying  not  a  word,  but  turning  to  Mer- 
cury, who  was  standing  near,  he  softly  winked  his 
other  eye.  When  the  stinger  was  fastened  on,  the 
bumblebee  started  as  if  to  fly  away,  but  when 
Jupiter's  back  was  turned  the  bumblebee  suddenly 
lit  on  the  back  of  the  boss  god's  neck,  and  said: 
"My  noble  maker  of  thunderbolts,  unless  you 


189 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

change  that  condition  about  this  stinger  business 
I  will  ram  it  into  your  spinal  column  up  to  the 
neck,  so  help  me."  Then  Jupiter,  seeing  that  the 
bumblebee  had  it  on  him,  said :  "Well,  take  your 
blamed  old  stinger,  and  use  jt  as  much  as  you 
choose."  And  as  the  bumblebee  winged  his  way 
to  earth  he  communed  with  himself,  saying: 
"Jupiter  supposed  that  he  could  work  me  as  he 
worked  that  honey-bee,  but  I  have  been  in  politics 
long  enough  to  get  onto  a  few  curves  myself." 
Thus  it  happens  that  while  the  honey-bee  must  die 
if  it  stings,  the  bumble-bee  can  sock  his  socker  in 
and  keep  a-socking. 

MOKAL. — This  fable  teaches  that  you  can  get 
mighty  near  what  you  want  if  you  only  know 
how  to  go  after  it. 


SDoo;  and  t$t  C&urn. 

A  DOG,  who  was  compelled  by  his  master  to 
furnish  the  power  for  an  old  fashioned  dog-churn, 
filed  a  complaint  with  the  boss.  "Why  should 
you  complain?"  asked  the  farmer.  "This  is  not 


190 


TOM  -McXEAL'S   FABLES 

A- 

as  hard  work  as  you  used  to  engage  in  when  you 
were  in  the  jack-rabbit  business.  Then  you  nearly 
ran  yourself  to  death,  and  did  not  get  your  feed 
regularly  as  you  do  now."  "It  is  not  the  hard 
work  that  I  complain  of,"  answered  the  dog,  "but 
the  fact  that  I  don't  seem  to  be  getting  anywhere." 

MORAL. — The  most  unsatisfactory  toil  is  that 
which  does  not  seem  to  accomplish  anything. 


Jt  SDependsf  on  tfie 

A  HOKSE  that  had  been  raised  near  a  railroad 
station,  and  who  had  no  fear  of  trains  or  engines, 
expressed  his  contempt  for  a  steed  from  the  coun- 
try, who,  happening  to  be  near  the  railroad  track, 
was  nearly  frightened  to  death  at  the  sight  of 
a  train  of  cars.  "What  are  you  afraid  of,  you 
cowardly  fool?"  asked  the  town  horse.  "That 
train  won't  hurt  you  a  particle." 

The  next  day  the  town  horse  was  driven  out 
into  the  country,  and  passing  by  the  home  of  the 
country  horse,  he  espied  a  hay-rake  lying  at  the 
side  of  the  road.  This  was  the  first  hay-rake  the 


191 


TOM   McNEAL'S^FABLES 

town  horse  had  ever  seen,  and  he  nearly  jumped 
out  of  his  harness  with  fright.  "See  that  fool 
horse/'  remarked  the  country  horse  in  a  tone  of 
disgust.  "He  scares  at  that  hay-rake  that 
wouldn't  hurt  a  fly." 

MORAL. — The  way  we  act  depends  largely  on 
what  we  are  used  to. 


A  BEAUTIFULLY  colored  butterfly  was  showing 
off  before  a  gang  of  humble  beetles,  saying,  as 
she  proudly  flirted  her  wings,  that  she  didn?t  care 
to  associate  with  common  bugs.  Whereupon  one 
of  the  beetles  remarked,  as  he  rolled  over  a  hunk  of 
dirt :  "It  occurs  to  me  that  if  this  highly  colored 
female  only  knew  that  her  father  was  a  measly 
old  yellow-backed  caterpillar,  she  wouldn't,  be  so 
high-headed,  nor  display  the  unseemly  gayety  she 
does  at  present." 

MOKAL. — When  you  hear  an  individual  boast- 
ing that  he  is  made  from  superior  clay,  you  can 
bet  that  his  ancestors  were  mighty  common  stock. 


192 


TOM  Mc:N"EAL'S  FABLES 


25oa0tmff 

A  SWAGGERING  bully  was  boasting  to  a  slender 
and  rather  frail  man  about  his  feats  of  agility  and 
strength.  "I  can,"  said  the  boaster,  "climb  to 
the  top  of  that  flag-pole  quicker  than  any  other 
man  in  this  town,  and  I  can  carry  you  and  twice 
as  big  a  load  as  you  can  lift  and  not  half  try." 
"I  haven't  a  doubt  of  it,"  said  the  frail  man 
quietly;  "but  if  that  is  a  measure  of  greatness, 
both  that  monkey  which  travels  with  that  son  of 
Italy  and  the  muckle-dun  mule  tied  to  yonder 
post  have  the  advantage  of  you.  The  monkey  can 
climb  that  pole  twice  as  quickly  as  you,  and  the 
mule  can  pack  three  times  as  much  as  you  can 
carrv." 


|)f  Stubbed 

A  SMALL  boy  who  had  stubbed  his  toe  on  a 
stone  was  crying  lustily,  when  a  man  coming  by 
called  to  him,  saying:  "Don't  cry,  my  boy;  that 
doesn't  hurt."  But  the  boy,  who  was  no  chump, 
replied,  between  his  sobs:  "If  you  are  referring 


193 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


to  yourself,  I  suppose  it  doesn't;  but  if  you  say 
it  doesn't  hurt  me,  you  are  a  blamed  old  liar." 

MORAL. — People  are  apt  to  think  other  people's 
troubles  don't  amount  to  anything. 


2Di0cretion  te  jftmggari?  to 


IN  a  certain  hotel  a  large  colony  of  bugs  had 
taken  possession  of  the  beds,  where  they  lay  in 
wait  for  the  weary  travelers.  On  one  occasion 
a  large,  fat  traveling-man  registered  and  called 
for  a  room.  And  the  bug  whose  business  it  was 
to  watch  the  register  immediately  carried  the  news 
to  the  rest  of  the  tribe  that  there  was  -extra  good 
picking  in  sight.  Pleased  with  the  prospect,  the 
bugs  had  a  hilarious  time  for  a  little  while,  and 
then  waited  impatiently  for  the  fat  traveler  to 
appear.  When  he  finally  came  to  his  room  he 
turned  down  the  bed-covers,  and  saw  there  a  dozen 
bugs  or  such  a  matter  sitting  on  the  sheet  waiting 
to  get  in  their  work.  But  instead  of  getting  into 
bed  as  the  bugs  had  expected,  the  fat  traveler 
swore  a  loud  and  vociferous  swear,  and  then,  tak- 


194 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

ing  a  cover  off  the  bed,  he  shook  it,  wrapped  it 
about  his  person,  and  lay  down  to  sleep  on  the 
floor.  And  when  the  leader  of  the  bugs  saw  that 
the  prey  had  escaped,  he  turned  loose  on  the  other' 
bugs  as  follows:  "If  you  infernal  fools  had  lain 
low  and  hidden  out  until  that  man  had  got  to  bed, 
we  might  all  have  had  a  feed.  You  have  ruined 
the  whole  business  by  being  too  greedy  and  too 
previous." 

MOEAL. — To  work  a  graft  with  success  requires 
some  discretion. 


SDanrinff  Bear. 

A  BEAK  that  had  been  trained  to  stand  on  his 
hind  feet  and  dance  to  the  music  of  a  fiddle,  was 
one  day  complaining  because  he  had  to  go  through 
his  performance,  when  he  happened  to  notice 
a  company  of  young  men  and  maidens  dancing 
on  a  platform.  They  were  hoeing  it  down  to  beat 
the  band,  and  seemed  to  be  having  more  fun  than 
a  cageful  of  monkeys.  And  as  the  discontented 
bear  watched  the  dancers  swing  on  the  corners  and 
all  promenade  with  apparent  satisfaction,  though 


105 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

the  exercise  caused  them  to  perspire  like  race- 
horses, he  said,  as  he  lumbered  on  toward  the 
place  where  he  had  to  do  the  dance  act  himself: 
"It  appears  to  make  a  lot  of  difference  whether 
one  is  dancing  because  he  has  to,  or  just  for  the 
fun  of  the  thing." 

AIoKAL. — The  question  as  to  whether  a  task 
is  work  or  pleasure  is  almost  entirely  in  the 
mind. 


toiti)  tfje  3lncon0  iterate  faster. 

A  HOKSE  that  had  been  neglected  during  the 
winter  was  found  by  his  master  in  the  spring  to 
be  covered  with  lice.  Then  the  master,  in  a  spirit 
of  mistaken  kindness,  poured  a  gallon  of  raw 
coal-oil  over  the  person  of  the  horse  and  turned  it 
loose.  And  when  a  week  had  gone  by  and  the 
horse  found  that  the  coal-oil  hadn't  left  enough 
hair  on  his  frame  to  make  a  wig  for  a  bald  eagle, 
he  surveyed  his  bare  and  blistered  hide  as  he  said : 
"Durn  this  thing  of  belonging  to  a  man  who  hasn't 
brains  enough  to  think  of  a  louse  and  a  horse  at 
the  same  time." 


196 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 


MOKAL. — The  fool  never  thinks  of  more  than 
one  thing  at  a  time,  and  most  fools  don't  even 
do  that. 


farmer  and  I£i0  &on. 

A  EICH  Kansas  farmer  sent  his  son  away  to  an 
Eastern  college  under  the  impression  that  the  boy 
should  be  given  educational  advantages  that  his 
sire  had  never  enjoyed.  The  boy  got  a  position 
as  center  rush  in  a  football  team,  and  grew  a  shock 
of  hair  like  a  windrow  of  rich  alfalfa  hay.  He 
wrote  to  the  old  man,  describing  the  great  benefits 
of  athletic  sport,  and  also  struck  him  for  money 
to  pay  his  share  of  the  expenses  made  necessary 
by  the  swift  gait  of  his  team.  But  when  the 
youth  came  home  in  vacation  and  the  paternal  an- 
cestor asked  him  to  figure  up  the  number  of  tons 
of  hay  in  seventeen  stacks,  each  one  so  many  feet 
high  and  so  many  feet  around,  the  young  man  was 
stuck.  Then  the  farmer  remarked  to  his  husky 
son:  "My  young  fellow,  if  athletics  is  all  there 
is  to  this  college  business,  it  occurs  to  me  that  I 
can  give  you  all  the  advantages  and  save  quite 


197 


TOM  McXEAL'S   FABLES 


a  good  deal  of  money  by  giving  you  a  position  as 
'back  stop'  on  a  threshing-machine  or  workin'  you 
in  as  'center  rush'  on  that  corn-field,  which  needs 
plowin'  pretty  blamed  bad  right  now." 


flgeti  l^orse  and  t&e  €>ld  &port 

A  HOUSE  who  had  been  a  goer  in  his  time,  grow- 
ing old  and  stiff,  was  taken  off  the  track  and  used 
for  a  family  horse  to  jog  about  town.  But  one 
day,  happening  to  be  near  a  race-track  and  see- 
ing the  horses  warming  up  for  the  first  heat,  and 
hearing  the  call  of  the  starter,  he  jumped  the  fence 
and  lit  out  around  the  track  after  the  trotters. 
But  as  the  bunch  came  around  the  turn  on  the 
second  half  the  old  racer  was  not  able  to  keep  out. 
of  the  way  of  the  flyers,  and  was  knocked  down 
and  run  over.  As  he  was  afterwards  dragging  his 
bruised  person  off  the  track  he  saw  an  aged  sport, 
who  had  had  his  hair  and  whiskers  dyed  and  was 
trying  to  act  as  coltish  as  a  youth  of  twenty-five. 
"Well,"  said  the  humiliated  old  horse,  as  he  looked 
after  the  man,  "there  seems  to  be  another  old  fool 


198 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 


who  thinks  he  is  still  able  to  trot  in  the  same  class 
he  used  to  go  in  forty  years  ago." 


fecamroto  anto  t& 

A  FARMER  who  was  troubled  with  birds  in  his 
corn  put  up  a  scarecrow  in  the  middle  of  the  field. 
It  was  a  tough-looking  figure,  and  for  three  or 
four  days  the  birds  were  mighty  shy;  but  finally 
a  blackbird,  who  had  his  nerve  with  him,  con- 
cluded to  investigate,  and  said  to  himself:  "That 
thing  appears  to  be  bad  medicine,  but  my  private 
opinion  is  that  it  is  a  bluff."  The  blackbird  ven- 
tured a  little  nearer  and  still  nearer,  until  he 
finally  came  to  the  scarecrow  and  found  that  it  was 
stuffed  with  straw.  Then  the  blackbird  went  back 
and  told  his  companions,  and  the  next  day  when 
the  farmer  went  to  his  field,  he  saw,  from  a  dis- 
tance, over  four  hundred  blackbirds  pulling  up  his 
corn,  while  a  couple  of  dozen  sat  on  that  scare- 
crow and  watched  for  his  coming,  so  that  they 
might  tell  the  rest  of  the  flock  when  to  hike  out. 

MORAL. — The  things  that  we  are  most  scared 


199 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


about   sometimes   amount  to  the  least  when  we 
come  to  investigate  them. 


TOeorp  t&at  SDttm't  Cfllork. 

A  CEKTAIX  man  who  was  long  on  theories  and 
short  on  practical  common-sense,  cherished  among 
other  theories  one  that  he  could  cow  any  animal 
by  looking  it  squarely  in  the  eye.  One  day  this 
man  chanced  to  meet  a  low-browed  bulldog,  that 
did  not  seem  to  be  acquainted  with  either  him 
or  his  theory.  As  the  dog  came  down  the  path 
the  theorist  faced  it  and  began  to  gaze  calmly  into 
the  optics  of  the  canine.  And  the  next  day,  as 
the  theorist  limped  over  to  a  tailor-shop  to  get 
measured  for  a  new  pair  of  pants,  and  then  to 
a  doctor's  office  to  get  him  to  patch  up  the  places 
where  the  dog  had  bitten  chunks  out  of  his  leg, 
he  said  to  himself:  "The  next  dog  I  try  my 
theory  on  will  have  to.  be  tied  up  good  and  plenty 
before  I  begin  to  look  him  in  the  eye." 

MORAL. — Many  a  theory  seems  all  right  until 
you  try  to  put  it  into  practical  operation. 


200 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 


Cattle  an&  fy 

ON  a  certain  range  in  western  Kansas  grew 
a  clump  of  cottonwood  trees  near  a  stream  of 
water.  Out  on  the  prairie  the  grass  grew  rank 
and  sweet,  but  the  owner  of  the  range  noticed 
that  the  most  of  his  herd,  instead  of  filling  up 
on  that  grass  would  stand  all  day  in  the  shade  of 
those  trees  and  fight  flies.  They  were  putting  on 
no  flesh,  and  the  prospects  for  profit  on  that  herd 
were  getting  mighty  slender.  For  a  day  or  two 
the  owner  of  the  range  tried  driving  the  herd  out 
to  graze,  but  as  soon  as  he  would  leave  them  they 
would  hike  back  to  the  shade.  Finally  the  ranch- 
man called  his  hired  man,  and  together  they 
soon  strung  a  wire  fence  about  that  clump  of 
shade-trees,  so  that  the  herd  could  not  get  under 
them.  And  when  the  steers  found  that  there  was 
no  chance  to  lie  around  in  the  shade  they  betook 
themselves  to  the  rich  buffalo-grass,  and  the  way 
they  laid  on  fat  was  a  pleasant  sight  for  sore  eyes. 
Seeing  which,  the  ranchman  said:  ''After  all, 
there  isn't  so  much  difference  between  a  man  and 
a  steer.  Give  a  man  the  chance  to  lie  around  in 


201 


TOM  McNEAL'S   FABLES 

the  shade,  and  the  chances  are  that  he  won't 
be  worth  the  powder  necessary  to  blow  him  into 
the  auriferous  hence." 

MORAL.  —  Luxury    doesn't,    generally    tend    to 
success. 


t&at 

A  HEN  that  had  reared  a  large  family  of  chick- 
ens until  they  were  half  grown,  left  them  one  day 
to  look  up  a  location  for  a  new  nest.  When  she 
returned  she  found  that  the  lady  of  the  house  had 
carried  off  the  finest  young  rooster  among  her 
brood;  whereupon  she  ran  to  a  neighbor  to  pour 
out  her  grief.  But  the  neighbor,  after  listening 
to  her  tale  of  woe,  consolingly  replied:  "Why 
should  you  grumble  or  mourn  ?  I  saw  the  presid- 
ing elder  stop  at  the  house  for  dinner,  and  suppose 
before  this  time  your  son  has  entered  the  ministry." 


Banqueter  and  t&e  2Dog:. 

A  CERTAIN  man  who  was  in  the  habit  of  boast- 
ing of  the  superiority  of  man  over  the  lower  ani- 


202 


203 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

mals  in  point  of  intellect,  attended  a  banquet  and 
filled  his  interior  with  wines  and  a  lot  of  indi- 
gestible truck  of  one  kind  and  another.  After 
the  banquet,  as  the  man  was  standing  at  a  street- 
corner,  heaving  the  contents  of  his  stomach  into 
the  atmosphere,  a  lonesome  dog,  who  was  strolling 
about  the  streets,  stopped  to  watch  him  a  moment, 
and  theji  said :  "One  of  the  most  curious  things 
I  have  run  up  against  is  the  fact  that  man  actually 
thinks  he  has  more  sense  than  a  dog." 


flDrator  anfc  t$t  jfarmn:. 

A  SILVEE-TONGUED  orator  was  dilating  on  the 
beauties  of  rural  life.  "A  farmer's  life  is  the 
life  for  me,"  he  said.  "Let  me  get  out  where  I  can 
commune  with  Nature  in  all  her  beauty  and  listen 
to  the  caroling  of  the  birds  as  I  hasten  joyously  to 
my  daily  toil." 

"Gosh!  but  that  feller  talks  purty,"  said  a 
farmer  standing  by;  "but  I  never  have  yet  seen 
a  man  who  talked  about  'communin'  with  nature' 
who  knew  any  more  about  farmin'  than  a  lame 
grasshopper  knows  about  the  planet  Jupiter." 


204 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


MOEAL. — It  is  usually  the  individual  who 
knows  the  least  about  a  business  who  talks  most 
about  its  delights. 


Cijimpamrr  and  tfjr  Clfpfjant. 

AN  intelligent  monkey  was  one  day  watching 
an  elephant  push  the  heavy  circus  wagons  up  the 
runway  into  the  car.  The  elephant  grumbled 
at  the  job,  but  his  keeper  prodded  him  with  a 
sharp  iron  and  made  him  buckle  down  to  busi- 
ness. "It  is  a  mighty  good  thing  for  that  keeper," 
remarked  the  chimpanzee,  "that  the  elephant 
hasn't  brains  and  temper  in  proportion  to  its 
muscle." 


JSmtty  Coto  and  t&e  Poke. 

A  cow  which  was  breechy  was  fitted  out  with 
a  yoke,  so  that  she  could  not  get  over  or  through 
the  fences  about  her  pasture.  It  worried  her  a 
lot,  until  she  happened  to  think  that  she  might 
be  able  to  work  some  chump.  There  was  in  the 


205 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

herd  a  cow  that  was  of  envious  disposition,  and 
likewise  a  fool.  She  hadn't  as  much  brains  as 
a  jaybird,  and  she  always  thought  that  somebody 
was  trying  to  give  her  the  worst  of  it.  Seeing  the 
cow  that  was  wearing  the  yoke,  this  envious  cow 
asked  her  what  it  was  for  and  why  she  wore  it. 
Then  the  cow  with  the  yoke,  who  was  onto  her 
job,  said:  "This  is  a  special  mark  of  distinction 
and  regard  that  has  been  presented  to  me  by  the 
man  who  owns  us."  Then  the  fool  cow  was  more 
envious  than  before,  and  said  that  she  couldn't 
understand  why  the  owner  of  the  herd  wanted 
to  show  such  partiality;  that  she  was  as  much 
or  more  entitled  to  distinction  than  any  cow  in 
that  herd,  and  yet  the  owner  had  never  given  her 
anything  to  wear  on  her  neck. 

Then  the  breechy  cow  smiled  inwardly,  for  she 
saw  that  her  game  was  working  to  a  finish. 
Finally  she  said :  "Well,  on  reflection  I  think  you 
are  right.  Of  course  I  feel  proud  of  this  yoke, 
but  you  are  really  entitled  to  it  as  the  leader  of 
the  herd.  Much  as  I  hate  to  part  with  it,  I  am 
bound  to  see  that  justice  is  done.  You  shall  have 
the  yoke."  Then  with  the  aid  of  the  envious  cow, 


206 


.TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

she  got  the  joke  off  her  neck  and  fastened  it  on 
the  neck  of  the  envious  cow.  And  the  next  day, 
when  the  breechy  cow  was  over  in  the  next  field, 
filling  up  on  alfalfa  that  didn't  belong  to  her,  and 
saw  the  envious  cow  packing  that  yoke  about,  she 
laughed  a  heartless  cow  laugh,  and  said:  "If  it 
wasn't  for  the  blamed  fools  in  this  world  there 
wouldn't  be  anything  like  the  chance  there  is  now 
for  the  enterprising." 


tol)0  ftllouton't  Hit. 

A  SCHOOL-BOY  who  wanted  to  stand  in  with  the 
teacher,  one  day  saw  another  lad  place  a  bent  pin 
on  the  chair  that  was  occupied  by  the  instructor. 
And  when  the  teacher  absent-mindedly  sat  down 
on  that  pin  and  inserted  about  a  half-length  of  it 
in  his  person,  he  arose  with  great  suddenness  and 
wrath  and  began  to  hunt  for  the  boy  who  had  put 
it  there.  All  the  boys  lied  to  the  teacher  with 
great  celerity  and  soberness  of  countenance,  ex- 
cept the  one  good  boy,  who  promptly  told  the 
teacher  who  had  placed  the  pin.  Then  the  teacher, 


207 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

who  was  a  large,  muscular  man,  walloped  the  boy 
who  had  placed  the  pin,  to  a  f are-you  well,  so  that 
he  had  sore  places  on  him  for  more  than  a  week 
afterwards.  But  he  commended  the  good  boy, 
and  told  him  that  he  was  following  in  the  foot- 
steps of  George  Washington,  and  that  if  he  kept 
on  he  might  some  day  be  the  father  of  a  country 
himself.  And  the  good  boy  was  much  puffed  up 
by  the  praise  of  his  teacher,  and  concluded  that 
he  was  nearly  the  whole  works ;  until  after  school, 
when  the  boy  who  had  been  walloped  and  a  com- 
panion who  had  also  been  touched  up  for  lying, 
caught  him  and  tore  his  clothes  and  pounded  his 
face  until  it  resembled  a  map  of  the  continent  of 
Asia  on  account  of  the  ridges  that  were  on  it, 
while  his  eyes  looked  as  if  they  were  set  in  raw 
liver.  And  when  the  good  boy  was  able  to  gather 
himself  up  and  reflect  on  the  concurrence  of 
events,  he  concluded  that  the  story  about  George 
Washington  never  telling  a  lie  was  probably  a 
fake. 

MORAL. — Virtue  isn't  always  rewarded  in  this 
world. 


208 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


toijo 

A  MAN  was  walking  down  the  street  with  his 
coat  buttoned  up  around  his  chin  and  a  blue  tint 
on  his  nostril.  He  met  a  man  coming  up  the  street 
with  his  coat  open,  his  hat  set  on  the  back  of  his 
head,  and  whistling  a  merry  tune  as  he  walked. 
When  the  men  had  passed  each  other,  the  man 
with  his  overcoat  buttoned  up  and  the  blue  tint 
on  his  nostril  turned  and  looked  after  the  cheerful 
whistler  as  he  turned  the  corner,  and  said:  "Yes, 
whistle,  durn  ye  !  —  but  if  I  had  won  that  five  hun- 
dred we  bet  on  the  election,  instead  of  you,  you 
would  be  carrying  this  chill  instead  of  me." 

MORAL.  —  The  state  of  a  man's  mind  has  much 
to  do  with  his  opinion  in  regard  to  atmospheric 
conditions. 


cUooDrn  iimfa  and  tfjc  ^urprisra  Doa. 

A  MAN  with  a  wooden  leg  called  at  a  house 
which  was  guarded  by  a  large  mastiff  of  decidedly 
unfriendly  disposition.  The  dog  rushed  out  to 
meet  the  stranger,  and  without  preliminary  re- 


209 


TOM  McNEAI/S  FABLES 

marks  socked  his  teeth  into  the  wooden  limb. 
Then  a  look  of  surprise  and  mortification  came 
over  the  face  of  the  mastiff,  and  tucking  his  tail 
between  his  legs  he  turned  and  crawled  under  the 
porch,  as  he  said :  If  these  inventors  have  got  to 
the  point  where  they  can  make  men  out  of  wood,  it 
is  about  time  for  watch-dogs  to  go  out  of  busi- 
ness," 

MORAL. — Nothing  will  take  the  conceit  out  of 
an  individual  quicker  than  to  run  up  against  a 
proposition  that  he  supposed  he  understood,  but 
finds  that  he  does  not. 


tofjo  toag 

A  DISCONTENTED  man  who  was  always  com- 
plaining that  he  had  no  chance  to  rise  in  the  world, 
was  sitting  in  a  room  under  which  was  a  cellar 
where  were  stored  a  couple  of  kegs  of  powder. 
By  some  accident  a  spark  was  dropped  into  one 
of  the  kegs,  and  the  building  was  blown  about  a 
hundred  feet  into  the  air.  As  the  complainer 
felt  himself  lifted,  he  let  out  a  yell  of  fear ;  where- 


210 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

upon  a  man  standing  near,  who  had  known  the 
discontented  man  for  a  long  time,  said:  "There 
it  is ! — that  man  has  been  complaining  for  the 
last  twenty  years  that  he  had  no  chance  to  rise 
in  the  world,  and  now  when  he  has  a  lift  he 
roars  about  it." 


and  t& 

A  BOY  who  was  the  son  of  rich  and  aristocratic 
parents,  who  insisted  on  keeping  him  dressed  up 
all  the  time,  was  watching  some  poor  boys  mak- 
ing mud  pies  in  an  alley.  For  awhile  he  watched 
the  play  with  deep  interest  and  longing,  and  then 
an  idea  struck  him.  He  called  one  of  the  ragged 
boys  and  proposed  to  trade  clothes  with  him  for 
a  spell,  saying:  "You  wash  up  and  put  on  these 
clothes  of  mine,  and  I  will  put  on  yours  and  get 
into  that  game."  At  first  the  ragged  boy  was 
struck  with,  the  proposition,  and  proceeded  to 
clean  up  in  good  shape,  and  put  on  the  fine  togs 
of  the  rich  man's  son,  agreeing  that  he  would  not 
do  a  thing  to  get  them  soiled.  The  rich  boy 
put  on  the  ragged  clothes  of  the  alley  boy,  and  in 


211 


TOM   McXEAL'S   FABLES 

a  minute  was  into  the  mud-pie  business  up  to 
his  elbows.  For  a  little  while  the  poor  boy 
strutted  about  in  his  borrowed  clothes  and  seemed 
to  enjoy  it,  but  as  the  play  wrent  on  he  became 
uneasy,  and  finally  called  to  the  rich  man's  son, 
saying:  "Here,  feller,  take  your  togs  back  and 
let  me  into  that  game.  These  things  don't  feel 
comfortable  nohow,  ajid  besides  there  ain't  no 
fun  in  just  standin'  'round  dressed  up  like  a 
dummy." 

MOEAL. — When  the  whole  thing  is  sized  up, 
one  individual  hasn't  so  much  cause  to  envy  an- 
other as  he  mav  think. 


Camel  an&  t&e 

THE  beasts  in  a  menagerie  got  into  a  dispute 
among  themselves  as  to  which  one  among  them  had 
the  most  enterprise  and  energy.  It  was  finally 
decided  to  leave  the  matter  to  a  chimpanzee  that 
was  engaged  in  picking  a  few  insects  off  his 
person.  When  the  question  was  put  to  the  chim- 
panzee as  judge,  he  promptly  answered  that  the 


212 


.TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

camel  had  more  enterprise  and  energy  than  any 
other  beast  in  the  whole  show.  Immediately  on 
the  rendition  of  this  decision  there  was  a  roar 
among  the  beasts,  similar  to  the  roar  of  the  losing 
team  in  a  baseball  game  when  they  express  their 
earnest  desire  to  kill  the  umpire.  ''This  is  the 
rottenest  decision  I  have  ever  heard  of,"  said  the 
tiger,  with  a  fierce  snarl  of  rage.  "There  is  noth- 
ing like  it  in  the  history  of  courts,"  chimed  in 
the  kangaroo.  "Every  one  of  this  outfit  knows 
that  the  camel  is  the  laziest  beast  of  this  entire 
aggregation."  "Hold  on!"  said  the  chimpanzee, 
as  he  calmly  picked  another  insect  from  his  per- 
son. "This  decision  is  perfectly  right.  Isn't  it 
a  fact  that  the  camel  is  the  only  animal  in  this 
show  that  has  a  hump  on  himself  all  the  time?" 
And  with  a  low  chuckling  laugh  the  judge  went 
on  with  his  picking. 


jpat  and  t&e  Eean 

A    LEAN,    ill-favored    Arkansaw    hazel-splitter, 
which  had  not  enough  meat  on  its  hams  to  make  the 


213 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

filling  for  a  railroad  sandwich  nor  fat  enough  in 
its  entire  system  to  grease  the  running-gears  of 
a  katydid,  happened  to  be  rooting  for  grub-worms 
near  a  field  in  which  a  shapely  Kansas  porker 
was  filling  his  interior  with  succulent  alfalfa. 
The  Kansas  hog  began  to  laugh  and  make  derisive 
remarks  about  the  Arkansaw  swine,  but  the  hazel- 
splitter  simply  observed,  as  it  rammed  its  rooter 
into  the  subsoil  and  dug  up  another  grub:  "You 
may  laugh  and  snicker  at  my  appearance  now,  my 
beaut,,  but  I  will  be  here  doing  business  a  year 
from  now,  while,  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  when  that 
man  I  see  coming  with  a  knife  gets  here  he  won't 
do  a  thing  to  you." 

MORAL. — Poverty  and  ill-shape  have  some  ad- 
vantages. 


JFaker 

A  LARGE  and  plethoric  toad  advertised  that  he 
had  a  sure  remedy  for  all  sorts  of  imperfections 
of  the  skin,  and  a  beautifier  of  the  complexion; 
but  a  chipper  young  chipmunk  nearly  ruined  the 
business  of  the  toad  by  remarking  in  a  crowd: 


214 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

"When  you  have  cleaned  a  couple  of  handfuls  of 
warts  off  yourself  it  will  be  time  for  you  to  talk 
about  cleaning  up  skins  and  beautifying  complex- 
ions." 


Crocodile  and  t&e  hippopotamus!. 

A  DISPUTE  once  arose  in  a  zoological  garden  be- 
tween the  hippopotamus  and  the  crocodile  as  to 
their  relative  appearance.  The  hippopotamus  re- 
viled the  crocodile,  saying  that  the  very  sight  of  it 
was  enough  to  throw  a  wooden  Indian  into  spasms ; 
and  the  crocodile  retorted  by  saying  that  a  coun- 
tenance like  that  of  the  hippopotamus  would  make 
an  electric  car  lose  its  trolley.  The  dispute  waxed 
hotter  and  hotter,  until  half  the  animals  in  the 
garden  took  sides.  It  was  finally  suggested  that 
the  baboon  be  called  in  to  decide  the  matter. 
When  the  big  ape  ha,d  taken  his  seat  and  called 
the  assembly  to  order,  he  directed  both  the  croco- 
dile and  hippopotamus  to  look  him  in  the  face, 
and  after  a  moment's  thought,  he  said :  "It  occurs 
to  me,  after  looking  you  over,  that  creatures  that 
look  like  either  one  of  you  ought  to  have  sense 


215 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


enough  not  to  call  the  attention  of  the  general 
public  to  your  personal  appearance." 

MOEAL. — If  you   don't   parade  your   personal 
defects,  they  will  probable  never  be  noticed. 


SDontep  anb  t&e 

A  PATIENT  donkey  was  purchased  by  a  Boston 
mugwump  for  the  amusement  of  the  children, 
who  rode  it  about  the  yard.  One  day  the  mug- 
wump came  in  and  ordered  the  donkey  saddled, 
saying  that  he  had  been  directed  by  his  physician 
to  take  a  donkey-ride  for  exercise.  But  as  soon 
as  the  mugwump  straddled  the  donkey,  who  had 
listened  to  the  anti-expansion  speech  of  his  master 
the  evening  before,  it  humped  its  back  and  threw 
the  man  over  its  head.  That  evening  the  co^r, 
who  occupied  the  next  stall  to  the  donkey  and  had 
been  greatly  surprised  at  his  conduct,  asked  why 
he  had  acted  in  such  a  rambunctious  manner. 
"I  will  tell  you,"  said  the  donkey,  as  he  bit  off 
a  piece  of  thistle;  "I  am  willing  to  stand  almost 
anything,  but  blamed  if  I  propose  to  be  ridden  by 
a  bigger  ass  than  myself." 


216 


A  LADY  who  labored  under  the  impression  that 
she  was  going  about  doing  good,  was  giving  a  small 
boy  a  lecture  about  the  cruelty  of  robbing  birds' 
nests.  And  a  wise  blue-jay  that  listened  to  the 
lady's  admonition,  winked  at  a  companion  as  it 
remarked:  "That  woman's  talk  would  go  a  lot 
further  with  me  if  she  didn't  wear  so  many  dead 
birds  on  her  hat." 

MORAL. — Let  your  practice  correspond  with 
your  preaching. 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 


l&at  and  t$t  'Etap. 

A  EAT  was  induced  by  curiosity  to  investigate 
a  wire  trap  which  had  apartments  in  it.  For 
a  little  while  the  rat  enjoyed  himself  quite  well 
looking  through  the  trap,  incidentally  helping  him- 
self to  a  hunk  of  cheese  which  he  found  in  the  rear 
apartment,  but  when  he  had  satisfied  his  curiosity 
and  also  his  appetite,  and  turned  to  go  out,  he 
found  that  the  door  of  that  trap  only  opened  from 
the  outside.  And  as  he  was  standing  near  the 
wire  partition,  figuring  on  the  probable  length  of 
time  until  he  would  be  fed  to  the  cat,  he  noticed 
another  rat  heading  in  his  direction  and  called  out 
to  it:  "Young  fellow,  take  a  fool's  advice,  and 
when  you  see  what  seems  to  be  a  soft  snap  fixed 
up  for  your  especial  benefit,  let  it  alone.  I  have 
found  out  that  people  don't  build  wire  houses  for 
rats  and  fill  them  with  cheese  just  to  accommodate 
the  rats." 


l&oogtn:  and  t&e  Cfiicfeeng. 

A   BOOSTER   who   was    scratching  round  in  the 
glad  springtime  found  a  large  juicy  worm,  and 


218 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

immediately  in  a  loud  voice  apprised  the  other 
fowls,  and  especially  a  brood  of  young  chickens, 
of  the  fact.  The  chickens,  supposing  that  their 
paternal  ancestor  was  inviting  them  to  a  feast,  ran 
eagerly  to  where  he  was,  but  when  they  were  gath- 
ered about  him  the  rooster  calmly  swallowed  the 
worm  himself,  saying:  "My  children,  as  long  as 
you  thought  I  had  nothing  to  give  you,  you  cared 
no  more  for  me  than  you  do  for  that  tin  rooster  on 
the  bi*rn ;  but  when  you  think  I  have  a  few  worms 
to  scatter  among  you,  you  come  a-running  and 
greet  me  with  vociferous  declarations  of  affec- 
tion." And  with  a  low,  guttural  laugh  the 
rooster  instituted  a  search  for  another  worm. 

MOKAL. — Affection  is  often  assumed  in  the  hope 
of  gaming  financial  reward. 


SDeacon  and  tfie  Calf. 

A  DEACON  who  was  sure  that  he  was  filled  with 

j 

fervent  piety,  went  out  dressed  in  his  Sunday  suit 
to  feed  a  calf  out  of  a  bucket,  before  going  to 
church.  The  deacon  was  singing  a  familiar 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 


hymn  as  lie  carried  the  bucket  of  milk  out  to  the 
calf-pen.  And  the  calf,  which  was  of  a  playful 
and  rambunctious  temperament,  hearing  the  dea- 
con sing  with  deep  religious  fervor,  remarked 
lightly,  as  it  winked  its  bovine  optic :  "The  deacon 
thinks  that  he  has  the  peace  that  passeth  under- 
standing now,  but  wait  till  I  ram  my  head  down 
into  that  bucket  and  scatter  about  a  quart  of  milk 
over  those  Sunday  clothes,  and  you  will  hear  him 
change  that  tune." 


jatoktoara  goutlj  tofjo 
Cfjanrrej. 

THERE  was  once  a  youth  who  was  making  his 
debut  into  society — or  at  least  he  thought  he  was. 
To  use  the  classic  language  of  the  wild  and  woolly 
West,  the  youth  was  badly  mashed  on  himself. 
He  considered  himself  a  master  of  graceful  mo- 
tion, though  others  declared  that  he  was  as  awk- 
ward as  a  female  bovine.  There  was  a  maiden 
fair,  who  was  one  of  the  guests  at  the  social  func- 
tion where  the  youth  was  making  his  debut,  on 
whom  he  desired  to  make  an  impression.  When 


220 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

the  waltz  was  announced,  he  sought  her  as  a  part- 
ner. It  was  all  right  with  the  maiden  fair  until 
they  began  to  whirl  through  the  "mazy,"  when 
she  discovered  that  her  partner  could  not  waltz 
for  sour  apples.  This  made  the  maiden  consider- 
ably weary,  but  she  said  nothing  until  the  youth 
inadvertently  planted  his  number-nine  shoe  on 
her  number-three  foot,  and  then  she  gave  the 
youth  a  section  of  her  mind,  telling  him  during 
the  course  of  her  monologue,  that  she  wished  he 
would  go  away  somewhere  and  walk  over  himself. 
And  when  that  maiden  fair  had  roasted  the  youth 
to  a  finish  he  felt  that  it  would  have  been  t\v» 
dollars  and  four  bits  in  his  pocket  if  he  had 
never  been  born. 

MOKAL. — Hell   hath  no  fury  like   a   woman's 
corn. 


Cttp  SDoo:  and  ^i&  Country  Cousfin. 

A  CITY  dog  was  visiting  with  a  country  cousin, 
and  incidentally  giving  the  rural  canine  to  under- 
stand that  as  compared  with  a  city-bred  dog,  the 
rural  canine  was  a  very  rawr  specimen  indeed.  As 


221 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

the  pair  traveled  over  the  farm  they  came  to 
a  hollow  and  rotten  stump  where  a  yellow- jacket 
of  tempestuous  temper  was  rearing  her  young. 
The  city  dog,  without  making  any  inquiries, 
sprang  upon  the  stump,  saying  with  a  strong  Bos- 
ton accent,  "Ah!  this  seems  to  offer  a  new  field 
for  investigation."  The  country  dog,  who  had 
observed  the  maternal  yellow-jacket,  and  was  ac- 
quainted with  her  uncertainties  of  temper,  called 
to  his  city  cousin  to  go  slow ;  but  the  city  dog  re- 
plied that  when  he  wanted  advice  from  an  ignorant 
country  cur  he  would  call  on  him,  and  then  pro- 
ceeded with  the  investigation.  In  about  a  minute 
the  city  dog  let  out  a  howl  that  could  be  heard 
a  mile,  and  began  hitting  the  high  places  as  he 
propelled  himself  through  the  atmosphere,  away 
from  that  stump,  while  seventeen  yellow- jackets 
stayed  with  him  and  encouraged  his  bursts  of 
speed  by  socking  their  several  sockers  home.  And 
the  country  dog,  who  .stood  off  at  one  side  watching 
the  city  dog  until  he  disappeared  in  the  distance, 
said  as  he  wagged  his  tail  and  peacefully  trotted 
off  for  home :  "That  dog  may  know  all  the  ropes 
in  the  city,  and  I  take  it  from  the  wav  he  moves, 


222 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

that    he    is    gathering    considerable    information 
about  rural  life  also." 

MOKAL. — The*  individual  who  labors  under  the 
impression  that  he  knows  it  all  is  liable  to  find 
that  he  is  sadly  mistaken. 


250p0  to&o  TOed  SDiffmnt 

ONCE  there  were  two  boys  who  were  raised  to- 
gether. They  early  filled  their  young  minds  with 
such  choice  literature  as  "Bill  Smoots,  the  Pirate 
Chief;"  "The  Trail  of  Blood,  or  the  Cross-Eyei 
Terror  of  Boner  Gulch,"  and  other  books  of  the 
same  kind.  These  boys  played  hookey  together, 
and  while  they  were  resting  in  a  shack  that  they 
had  built  in  the  wood-lot  near  the  school-house, 
which  they  spoke  of  as  their  pirate  den,  they  laid 
plans  for  the  future.  They  weren't  entirely  clear 
as  to  what  course  they  should  pursue,  but  there 
was  one  thing  that  they  were  agreed  on,  and  that 
was  that  they  would  be  "bad  men"  when  they 
grew  up. 

After  awhile  one  of  the  boys,  whose  front  name 


223 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 

was  William,  moved  out  West  with  his  parents, 
and  grew  up  to  be  a  large  and  husky  individual 
with  a  somewhat  heavy  under-jaw.  William  did 
not  forget,  however,  the  impressions  of  his  youth, 
and  one  night  he  walked  off  with  a  halter  that 
didn't  belong  to  him.  There  was  a  horse  at  the 
other  end  of  the  halter,  which  also  followed  off 
after  William.  About  two  hours  after  William 
had  departed,  the  man  who  owned  the  halter  and 
the  horse  missed  them,  and  proceeded  to  gather 
up  his  neighbors  and  organize  a  search.  The 
crowd  who  were  after  William  had  to  travel  a 
good  many  weary  miles  before  they  got  into  his 
company,  but  they  got  there  at  last.  They  had 
a  brief  conversation  with  William  after  they  got 
hold  of  him  and  had  him  where  they  had  a  chance 
to  talk  to  him.  They  were  willing  to  accommo- 
date him  about  some  things.  For  instance,  they 
said,  as  they*  tied  a  rope  around  his  neck  and  led 
him  under  a  tree,  that  he  might  have  a  minute  to 
make  any  remarks  that  occurred  to  him  as  being- 
relevant  to  the  occasion.  William,  however,  was 
not  a  public  speaker.  He  did  not  care  for  the 
privilege  of  making  a  public  address.  All  he 


224 


TOM   McNEAL'S  FABLES 

wanted  was  the  chance  to  go  away  somewhere. 
Then  the  man  who  owned  the  halter  and  horse  that 
followed  William  off,  and  his  neighbors,  lifted 
William  up  by  the  neck  and  neglected  to  let  him 
have  a  foot-rest.  Then  they  went  away  and  left 
him  there.  When  William  was  found  the  next 
day  he  was  acting  very  much  like  a  man  who  was 
dead. 

And  yet  the  horse  that  William  led  off  would 
not  have  sold  in  the  open  market  for  more  than 


The  other  boy,  whose  front  name  was  Claudius, 
also  grew  up.  He  was  not  a  large  husky  man  like 
William.  He  was  slender,  and  dressed  after  the 
manner  of  the  swell  set.  He  went  to  a  business 
college  when  he  grew  up,  and  his  father,  being 
a  principal  stockholder  in  the  bank,  got  Claude 
a  position  as  cashier  at  a  salary  of  one  hundred 
dollars  a  month.  Claude  was  the  high  roller  of 
the  town,  and  one  or  two  hard-headed  old  business 
men  who  had  some  stock  in  the  bank,  grumbled 
on  account  of  his  style  of  living,  and  said  that 
no  man  could  live  at  a  three-hundred-dollar-a 
month  pace  on  a  salary  of  one  hundred.  Still 

12  225 


TOM  McNEAL'S  FABLES 

Claudius  was  not  fired.  He  managed  some  way 
to  hold  his  job  for  three  years,  and  then  it 
was  suspected  that  there  was  a  shortage.  The 
directors  insisted  on  having  an  expert  examine 
the  books;  and  Claudius  was  found  to  have  ab- 
stracted from  time  to  time  cash  to  the  amount  of 
twenty-five  thousand  dollars.  Then  Claudius  was 
arrested.  But  the  old  man  put  up  a  bond  for 
him — and  Claudius  continued  to  wear  a  brand- 
new  necktie  each  day  from  the  time  of  his  arrest 
until  the  time  of  his  trial.  When  it  came  til  trial, 
as  the  evidence  against  Claudius  was  dead  open 
and  shut,  he  concluded  to  plead  guilty.  And  the 
judge,  who  was  a  candidate  for  reelection,  and 
needed  the  help  of  Claudius'  father  mighty  bad, 
gave  the  boy  the  lowest  limit.  That  is  to  say  he 
only  put  it  to  him  for  a  year.  The  judge  also 
cried  quite  a  good  deal  while  pronouncing  the 
sentence,  and  there  were  several  women  in  the 
court-room  who  felt  so  sorry  for  Claudius  that 
they  had  to  wring  out  their  handkerchiefs  some 
two  or  three  times  while  the  judge  was  talking. 
And  when  Claudius  was  taken  to  his  cell  to  wait 
while  the  sheriff  got  ready  to  take  him  to  the 


226 


TOM  McXEAL'S  FABLES 

penitentiary,  the  ladies  brought  him  bouquets 
and  cake  and  other  things,  to  make  him  know 
how  much  they  sympathized  with  him  in  his 
affliction.  After  Claudius  had  been  in  the  "pen" 
for  the  space  of  six  months,  a  petition  was  circu- 
lated asking  the  governor  to  grant  him  a  pardou, 
which  the  governor  did,  and  when  the  springtime 
came,  gentle  Annie,  Claudius  was  free/  But  by 
that  time  the  body  of  William,  who  had  led  off 
a  $27.50  horse,  was  getting  considerably  decayed, 
as  it  had  not  been  embalmed  before  it  was  buried. 

MORAL. — The  thief  who  helps  himself  to  a 
number  of  thousands  seems  to  hold  the  edge  to 
a  considerable  extent  over  the  man  who  steals 
a  plug  horse. 


fcflioman  to&o  IBrofee  ^er 
of  a  2Bad  i?abit. 

A  PAETY  who  was  in  the  habit  of  going  out  be- 
tween acts  "to  see  a  man"  had  a  wife  wrho  was 
loving  and  confiding.  For  the  first  two  or 
three  seasons  after  their  marriage  she  believed 
what  her  husband  told  her,  but  as  time  wore  on 


227 


TOM   McNEAL'S   FABLES 


her  suspicions  were  aroused,  and  she  finally  hired 
a  small  boy  to  keep  cases  on  the  partner  of  her 
joys  and  sorrows.  And  when  the  boy  brought 
in  a  report  that  he  had  seen,  her  husband  taking 
astronomical  observations  through  the  bottom  of 
a  small  glass,  she  sighed,  and  remarked,  "  I 
thought  as  much," — but  she  said  nothing  to  her 
"hubby."  But  the  next  night  at  the  theater,  while 
her  husband  was  taking  off  his  overcoat,  she  man- 
aged, unobserved  by  him,  to  place  a  hunk  of  gum 
on  the  chair  on  which  he  was  about  to  sit  down. 
And  when  her  husband  was  seated  and  she  knew 
that  her  plan  was  working  out  according  to  sched- 
ule, she  smiled  to  herself  and  remarked  inwardly : 
"I  think  that  will  hold  him  for  awhile.".  When 
the  man  tore  himself  loose  after  the  play  was  over 
he  had  enough  of  the  plush  cover  of  that  opera- 
chair  attached  to  him  to  make  three  blocks  of 
a  crazy-quilt.  But  he  never  went  out  "to  see 
a  man"  once. 

MORAL. — True  genius,  coupled  with  persever- 
ance, is  bound  to  get  there. 


228 


DC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  UBRARY  FACILITY 


A    000718105    o 


